I have been haunting the forum for a little while now, so I thought I ought to post something I have written. I wrote this short for a competition a while ago and It turned out a sort of E. L. Wisty tribute. I would really be interested to see if people like or dislike it. Or if anyone actually reads it at all...
ZORG
A short play
A single table with a plastic transport café style cover centre stage with two chairs. On The table are a cup, plate and a bottle of ketchup. A man is seated at the table looking at a folded newspaper. ZORG approaches carrying a cup and saucer.
ZORG: Is this seat taken?
MAN: Err...No...
ZORG sits.
ZORG: I am Zorg, destroyer of galaxies and ruler of the nine
planets.
MAN: Right and I'm Carol Smiley.
ZORG: Well Carol Smiley, I usually expect mortals such as
yourself to avert your terrified gaze from upon my
divine countenance. Could you pass the sugar please?
And to prostrate your puny frame when in my presence,
upon pain of an instant and horrible death!
MAN: What?
ZORG: Sugar, could you pass the sugar please?
Man Pushes sugar toward Zorg.
MAN: Oh God!
ZORG: No, but I can see it would be an easy mistake for a
mere mortal to make.
MAN: Mere mortal? You're mad you are aren't you?
ZORG: On the contrary, I am in a most exultant mood.
MAN: I didn't mean mad as in angry I meant.........doesn't
matter.
ZORG: I expect you're wondering why I have not yet destroyed
your galaxy?
MAN: No.
ZORG: I have been to an audition for big brother.
MAN: Well that explains a lot.
ZORG: Have you seen big brother?
MAN: No.
ZORG: Pity.
MAN: Not really.
ZORG: I initially thought of going on 'I'm a celebrity get
me out of here!'
MAN: You have to be a celebrity to get on that.
ZORG: I am Zorg destroyer of galaxies and ..
MAN: Ruler of the nine planets. I know. But you aren't much
of a celebrity round here are you.
ZORG: You recognised me Carol.
MAN: No, I didn't, but don't worry I won't forget you.
ZORG: That is one of the problems with being a destroyer of
galaxies. When you have vaporised a thousand billion
sentient beings with just a single thought, there
tends to be no one left to talk about it.
MAN: So they wouldn't have you on 'I'm a celebrity' then?
ZORG: That Anthony and Declan they were this close (holds
finger and thumb slightly apart) to being squeezed out
of existence!
MAN: Don't suppose you've thought of going on 'pointless'
have you?
ZORG: Ah! Is that an example of your Earthling humour? Only
as a supreme being I don't tend to go in for humour.
No need you see, I never feel the need to lighten my
mood as I am in fact a creature of celestial light.
MAN: More like a Looney.
ZORG: I do sometimes employ a wry smile. I feel it adds to
the general air of menace when I am poised to
annihilate a thousand petrified civilisations. Doesn't
hurt to put on a bit of a show I feel. The Lord of the
dark universe, or the wife as I call her, keeps trying
to get me to cut the smile, she says it looks like a
smirk. A smirk! Women eh? If I live another Billion
years I'll never understand them. All that screaming
and worrying about the kids as their planets turn to
dust in front of their very eyes. Nice cup of tea here
though.
MAN: Look mate, you're spoiling my cup of tea and putting
me off picking me horses.
ZORG: You do realize that waging a few of your Earth pounds
on the outcome of a horse race is in fact a pointless
and futile exercise.
MAN: Now you sound like my wife.
ZORG: I meant that it is a pointless and futile exercise
because the horses, the race, the Earth pounds and in
fact the Earth, will all soon cease to exist.
MAN: The Earth?
ZORG: Yes.
MAN: Gone?
ZORG: Yes.
MAN: Vaporised?
ZORG: Yes.
MAN: What will be left?
ZORG: Do you know what dark matter is?
MAN: No.
ZORG: No, neither do I, thought it was worth asking though.
MAN: So you destroy whole galaxy's then do you?
ZORG: Yes.
MAN: You wipe out billions of living creatures with just a
thought?
ZORG: Just a thought, yes.
MAN: What gives you the right to cause all this carnage? To
annihilate entire species?
ZORG: It's a job.
MAN: It's a job!?
ZORG: I see you have been eating a full English Earth
breakfast, £4.99 Tea and toast included.
MAN: Yes, and?
ZORG: Who gave you the right to annihilate the flesh of the
Earth pig and the unborn Earth bird called chicken?
MAN: Ah! Your one of them bloody vegans aren't you?
ZORG: I have never heard of this planet 'bloody Vegan' of
which you speak.
MAN: Well if you had heard of it, you would only have blown
it up.
ZORG: No.
MAN: No?
ZORG: I don't 'blow up' planets. More accurately, I cause
them to cease to exist.
MAN: Silly me, I do feel a fool....Now piss off mate.
ZORG: Shall I explain how?
MAN: Would it matter if I said no?
ZORG: All matter is in fact just energy.
MAN: Never.
ZORG: E=mc2, or more precisely....mc2=E. Matter is in fact
an illusion created by the vibrational frequency of
the energy involved. The slower the energy vibrates
the denser the matter appears to be.
MAN: I bet your brain vibrates very, very, slowly then.
ZORG: You would be surprised.
MAN: No I wouldn't.
ZORG: Do you know what the smallest thing in the universe
is?
MAN: Your circle of friends?
ZORG: Atom eh? Everyone says that.
MAN: The Zorg book of interesting anecdotes?
ZORG: Or you could have said protons or neutrons or even
electrons, all even smaller composite parts of the
Atom.
MAN: My will to live, that could be the smallest thing in
the universe.
ZORG: Quark.
MAN: Quark? Who's he? The dark lord of Tupperware burps?
ZORG: Quarks are the even smaller particles that exist
within protons. Do you know that the Hydrogen Atom
contains only one proton which is circled by one
solitary electron. To give you a realistic idea of the
scales involved imagine for a moment that proton to be
the size of a small grape. How big do you think the
orbit of its electron would be?
MAN: Is this what you do? Bore whole galaxies out of
existence.
ZORG: It would have an orbit of one mile diameter. Do you
know what this means?
MAN: If I say yes will you stop?
ZORG: It means that when you look very closely at an Atom,
you see it is in fact, to all intents and purposes...
empty.
MAN: Can I call you Atom brain then?
ZORG: Everything that ever has or ever will exist is made up
of... nothing. It is all merely energy resonating
visibly into this dimension in the form of Atoms;
these then loosely combine to give the illusion of
solid matter.
MAN: So all of this is just an illusion?
ZORG: Yes.
MAN: Thank Christ for that, I thought I was actually having
this conversation with you for a minute.
ZORG: Therefore in order for me to start the process of
rendering even the largest of galaxies into an
immediate and permanent state of non-existence I only
in fact have to move one single Atom. Using the
irresistible thought power of my superior brain I move
one Atom somewhere on the edge of the offending galaxy
infinitesimally away from its neighbouring Atom. This
in turn causes a weakening of the bond between this
Atom and its immediate neighbour. This of course then
affects the bond to the next Atom and so on and so on.
The cascading effect of this causes the very atomic
fabric of the galaxy to unravel. All of this happens
almost instantaneously, across the entire galaxy.
MAN: So you can destroy an entire galaxy by moving it
slightly to the left?
ZORG: Yes.
MAN: I wish I could move you slightly to the left then.
ZORG: Or...
MAN: Please don't feel you have to share.
ZORG: Occasionally for smaller galaxies I employ a different
method of annihilation.
MAN: Something a little easier than moving a whole Atom?
ZORG: Even a supreme being can feel like a change. When you
have...
MAN: Destroyed one Galaxy you have destroyed them all. I
know.
ZORG: As I have intimated, all matter is merely an illusion,
a mirage if you like, caused by the vibration of
energy. It is therefore a simple matter to dampen the
frequency of the vibration of the energy, using the
irresistible thought power of my superior brain. When
the energy stops vibrating and becomes still then the
very illusion of the Matter contained in the smaller
galaxy ceases to exist.
MAN: So if you were to sit very very still would the same
thing happen?
ZORG: Just because I have adopted this rather dull earthling
persona don't underestimate my capacity for wrath.
MAN: Wrath? Wrath? I thought you were already going to
vaporise the Earth. What difference does it make what
I say?
ZORG: You could try and reason with me?
MAN: What?
ZORG: You could give me a few reasons why I should spare
your puny planet and its tiny brained occupants.
MAN: (beat) No sorry, can't think of anything.
Man picks his paper up and reads it.
ZORG: You didn't try very hard?
MAN: Nope.
ZORG: What about your loved ones?
Man puts paper down again.
MAN: Loved ones? My wife has left me for a nightclub
bouncer, taking all our savings and my best black
suit. My parents have already started calling him
'son'. 'My parents' note! My daughter's only ambition
in life is to get onto Jeremy Kyle, and my son wants
an ASBO for Christmas. (beat) And I really loved that
suit. So if you want to end all human existence right
here right now, be my guest! You won't get any
arguments from me mate.
ZORG: After millennia of human development there must be
some achievements worth saving?
MAN: (beat) Nope.
ZORG: What about music?
MAN: Morrissey?
ZORG: What about art?
MAN: Unmade beds and sheep cut in half?
ZORG: What about the expression of the human condition
through the medium of dance?
MAN: Morris dancers?
ZORG: I see your point, but what about literature?
MAN: I'm sure the Readers Digest would still manage to get
delivered.
ZORG: You don't believe me do you?
MAN: No.
ZORG: Why do you doubt my words?
MAN: Partly because you don't look like a wrathful supreme
being, but mostly because I think you are a prat.
ZORG: Careful Carol Smiley my munificence has its limits.
MAN: Well go on then, do it.
ZORG: What?
MAN: End it.
ZORG: What now?
MAN: Yes, it's good for me.
ZORG: Well don't you want to prepare yourself.
MAN: I'm good.
ZORG: Make peace with your God?
MAN: No I'm ok, when you are ready.
ZORG: Right then. Would you like another cup of tea first?
MAN: No I'm fine, go ahead, when you are ready.
Zorg stands.
ZORG: I normally send thunder storms and meteor showers to
announce the coming of the end.
MAN: Don't worry about that stuff, it's a bit Old Testament
now anyway, just get on with moving that Atom.
ZORG: Right.
MAN: Or left.
ZORG: Yes, well here goes then. (pause).
BLACK-OUT.
ZORG: (o.s.) That never happened before!
