Snippet from Kerry moon introducing Hypnotits

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INT.Small room, empty except for old chair, dressing table with mirror, a small toilet and a few crates of lager stacked in the corner. A thirty-something,large bosomed blonde(HYPNOTITS) sitting on chair looking in mirror, applying finishing touches to her make-up whilst smoking a joint and talking on mobile.

HYPNOTITS

....so I grabbed the cow by her extensions, threw her out and gave him a right ear-bashing. It's not the first time I've caught the bastard cheating but I made it clear in no uncertain terms that this was his last chance.I mean what do they give him that I don't?... .

STANDS UP WALKS OVER TO TOILET,HIKES UP SKIRT AND STARTS TO HAVE MANLY SLASH

He's got no scruples.I've a good mind to tell his wife..

KNOCK ON DOOR AND BARMAN POPS HEAD ROUND.

BARMAN

Your on.

HYPNOTITS

OK I'm on my way.....

HYPNOTITS FINISHES SLASH AND TAKES ONE LAST LOOK IN THE MIRROR

Yeah men they're all dogs.
Sorry love I've got to go to work but I'll call you later.Bye, bye.

HYPNOTITS LEAVES DRESSING ROOM FOR STAGE.

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INT. BAR

We want more Hypnotits.This is too short.But why Hypnotits?Is she/he a stripper forward slash hypnotist?Shades of League of Gentlemen.

Hypnotits Is a stag- party act who combines hypnotism with stripping. When she has trouble using conventional hypnotic techniques she whips off her bra to reveal rotating spirals on her nipples and says "Look into my tits, look into my tits. You are feeling sleepy." This normally does the trick.

I'm confused.

Hello Angiebaby. Hypnotits is a character in a comedy drama I am currently finishing writing. She/he is only in two scenes but is essential to the plot as it is through a regressive hypnotic trance that the protagonist(Norman Hobbs)finds out what he needs to do to find happiness. Hypnotits sets him on his journey but also leaves him with curse which will only be broken when Norman finds happiness at the end of his journey.Don't know if this makes any sense or helps at all.

Hello Angiebaby. Hypnotits is a character in a comedy drama I am currently finishing writing. She/he is only in two scenes but is essential to the plot as it is through a regressive hypnotic trance that the protagonist(Norman Hobbs)finds out what he needs to do to find happiness. Hypnotits sets him on his journey but also leaves him with curse which will only be broken when Norman finds happiness at the end of his journey.Don't know if this makes any sense or helps at all.

Is the joke she has a penis?

In which case that's funny

Thanks OTTY, that sheds some light on the matter.

If you're looking for constructive feedback I would suggest posting the scene that follows, so we can see how Hypnotits interacts with others.

At the moment I get the impression they are an uncompromising, tough character which is good.

I'd suggest rewriting her description of the altercation... if she's only in 2 scenes she really needs to make an impact.

Hypnotits does indeed have a penis and thanks for the advice AngieBaby. As a novice I find the structuring of scenes very difficult to put down in words.I can see scenes very clearly in my mind but have difficulty transferring them into the written word. I will put up Hypnotits' follow on scene as soon as I've managed to edit it down to something more than my ramblings (which is where I always start).Once again many thanks AngieBaby and Sootyj for feedback.
Really appreciated and helpful.