Just a little something I put together. All thoughts welcome
A local news crew is interviewing a policeman
REPORTER:
Well here I am with Sergeant Savage of West Mercia Constabulary who claims to have got the crime rate in this troubled area of Birmingham down to zero. Sergeant Savage, good afternoon
SAVAGE:
Good afternoon
REPORTER:
Well a crime rate of zero, that’s quite a claim
SAVAGE:
Yes it’s amazing what can be achieved with a bit of hard work and determination but with the help of the community we have reached an absolute state of non-criminal activity
REPORTER:
Well I’m sure the viewers at home and the other police forces would like to be let in on your secret
SAVGE:
It really is no secret; it’s a perfectly straightforward scheme. Basically, we’ve made everything legal
REPORTER:
Legal?
SAVAGE:
Yep. Murder, arson, drug dealing, you name it, it’s now legal in this part of Birmingham
REPORTER:
Well, that’s quite an unconventional tactic
SAVAGE:
Look, these things we’re going on in abundance before I joined the force. We tried everything, fines, prison sentences, poison gas…
REPORTER:
Poison gas?
SAVAGE:
A short-term pilot scheme, it was fairly sucsessful but these things carried on and the prisons were overcrowded so we did the only thing that was sensible
REPORTER:
You made all crime legal?
SAVAGE:
Yes, and as a result the crime rate has dropped significantly, not just here but in surrounding areas as well
REPORTER:
Why’s that?
SAVAGE:
Well now, all the criminals from the surrounding areas are coming into this district there by making the crime levels in those districts fall. It’s a win, win situation
REPORTER:
Yes but surely it must be a nightmare for all the law-abiding citizens who do live round here?
SAVAGE:
What do you mean?
REPORTER:
Well they won’t be able to leave their houses for all the criminals running around
SAVAGE:
Ah but there aren’t any criminals remember
REPORTER:
Well technically I suppose but….
SAVAGE:
The fact of the matter is, people were moaning about they were scared to leave their houses because of all the criminals. Now we’ve got rid of those criminals and they still refuse to leave their houses despite the fact that these criminals no longer exist. We’ve done our part, it’s up to them to do there’s
REPORTER:
These people may not technically be classed as criminals any more but they are still evil, cowardly people living off the fear they instil in the hearts of the law-abiding citizens.
SAVAGE:
Technically yes, but we’re busy drawing up the second part of our plan which will eliminate the problem once and for all
REPORTER:
And what’s that?
SAVAGE:
Well, sooner or later, every single criminal in Britain will come here. We’ll have all the rotten eggs in one basket as it were. At that point, we’ll call on our good friends in the RAF and they’ll do the rest
REPORTER:
So you’re going to put all these criminals in the RAF?
SAVAGE:
No, we’re going to nuke the place
REPORTER:
Nuke the place?
SAVAGE:
Yes nuke it, raze it to the ground, obliterate every trace of these people while the rest of us carry on with our lives without the fear of crime.
REPORTER:
I have to say it’s a bold plan and one that could cause a certain amount of objections from rational thinkers
SAVAGE:
Well of cause, if these wishy washy, namby pamby, bearded, vegetable eating, pipe smoking, bleeding heart Liberals, have a better idea then we would love to here it.
REPORTER:
Really?
SAVAGE:
Yes. We’ll ignore it then shoot them but we will listen
REPORTER:
Well Sergeant Savage, thank you very much for your time in explaining your radical plan to us. I have to say I’m very much in favour of it and I look forward to annialiting the greasy scum off the face of the earth. Back to you in the studio
There it is. I the words of Richard Richard, "Hurrah for the filth!"
