LORRAINE
Int. Breakfast time. Suburban living room . Two young nerds with English accents are seated in front of the television . There is a signed framed photo of Lorraine Kelly on the wall .
We hear a faint female Scottish murmur from the television .
Nige
Just look at that for a woman , Chris !
A vision in tartan !
Chris
No , not a vision , Nige ! If I may beg to differ . A Venus ! A Venus in tartan !
Nige
Well if I can differ back the way , too , Chris .
Mimes batting a ball.
A goddess! A goddess in tartan!
Pause
Chris
How can one woman be so ...flipping gorgeous!
Nige
Flipping gorgeous and ...exotic!
Chris
Most definitely, Nige ! A gorgeous and exotic Venus in tartan!
Nige
And the voice !
Chris
Oh , the voice , Nige !
Nige
When she says ...
Together
Nige and Chris
Och! That' awfy nice , so it is!
Chris
Sexy!
Nige
Most blooming defi-nightly , compadre.
Chris
I wonder what " Och" means, though .
Nige
Probably...
Pronounces it as " gaylick "
...Gaelic for
" Cover me in Dream Topping and lick it of slowly , Big Boy!"
Chris
Do you think so?
Nige
Nah ! I think it means her shoes are hurting her or something .
What about her name ? Sexy as anything , is it not?
Lorraine ... Kelly .
It's like saying "I'm A Sexpot!"
Chris
Like Marilyn Monroe!
Nige
Or Brigitte Bardot!
Pronounces "Bardot" as it's spelt and Brigitte as Bridget.
Chris
Sophia Loren!
Nige
Angelina Jolie!
Chris
Kirsty Young!
Nige
Another Tartan Temptress , Chris .
Chris
To be sure , Nige . There must be something in the air up there .
Kirsty... Young . Wow! The name says it all . And that come to bed voice.
In a deep Scottish voice
Police have made a number of arrests.
Nige
She could arrest me any time , Chris. And when say arrest I mean...you know...kissing and...stuff .And... I'd even let her use...handcuffs and a big truncheon ...
Chris stares at him
Chris
Oh , Listen! What's Lorraine saying?
Turns up the volume on the remote control
Lorraine
And I'll be back in a wee minute when I'll be joined by Kirsty Young who'll be discussing bras and lingerie in general .
Chris and Nige look at each other .
They high five.
Chris and Nige
Yes!
Fades
