THE NAME'S BOND
Int. Daytime. Film studio office . Studio head is seated at his desk .
There's a knock at the door.
Boss
Come!
Underling
He's here , RJ , the guy I was telling you about . The new James Bond .
Boss
He better be good. Don't disappoint me again , Smithers.Your ass is on the line if you screw up a second time.
Underling
RJ , this guy is perfect . He's got the lot . The looks - your secretary's practically throwing herself at him right now - the charisma -wow! Sensational - the sheer f**king pzazz of this guy . Our prayers have been answered .
Boss
Bring him in then.
The underling goes out and comes in pushing a dreadlocked black guy in a wheelchair . He is
wearing a dinner suit.
He talks in a strong East End accent .
New Bond
Alright , guv'nor ? How you diddling , me old cock sparrer ?
The Boss looks astonished . The Underling looks very pleased.
Underling
What did I tell you , RJ ? Isn't he sensational ?
To the New Bond.
Say the line! Say the line!
New Bond
The name's Bond , James Bond .
Shaken But Not Stirred Miss Money Penny!
Mimes holding a hand gun like Bond.
Underling
Still very pleased with himself.
Wow! Something else, eh?
The Boss is stonefaced . He speaks to New Bond.
Boss
Excuse me, my friend . Would you mind excusing us for a moment ? Would you leave us ? Please , sir?
New Bond
No problem , squire. I'll just nip across the old frog and toad to that nice little rub -a dub . I saw some right tasty Richards going in there when I arrived.
He leaves. The underling is almost ecstatic .
Underling
So, will I contact the press straight away and let them know we've got the new Bond . This is amazing. The best Bond ever...
Boss
Shut up!
Underling
Is there a problem, RJ? What s find!He's...
Boss
Shut up!
Pauses
Is there a problem , RJ ? Yes , there is a ...slight problem . Are you mad? How can he play James Bond ? Are you stoopid? The public would never accept a guy like him as James Bond.
Underling
But why not , RJ?
Boss
Why not? Why not?
Because ...he's a f**king Cockney!
Fades
