Skit Comp 21 - 28.7.13

Thanks and congratulations to GAPPY for winning again. Please get pished as a farth and PM me with subjects for next wank. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - Jakob Jensen
Speckled mention: Michael Monkhouse

Your new subject: Driving (suggested by Gappy). Melanie C is a spanner. She drives me nuts.

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 28.7.13

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Votes - Name
1 - 55 - Gappy
2 - 35 - Michael Monkhouse
3 - 25 -Jakob Jensen
4 - 15 - Otterfox
5 - 5 - 404 Not Found, Steve Sunshine

Driving is a terrible topic for comedy.

There's no mileage in it.

[Smooth, slightly cheesy truck driving country music, a la "Teddy Bear" by Red Sovine, or "Convoy". The VOICE starts with a slow, rich spoken drawl, as is traditional for the genre, but the style gets more conversational as the piece continues]

VOICE: I'm a truck drivin' man
Truckin' on down the line all night and day
Truckin' this great nation side to side, up and down, for hard days and long nights
In a truck.

Why do I ride this big ol' rig?
Well, it's simple, folks. I have to. It's my job.
Basic statute of the employment contract, you know, truck driving. The essence of the post, you might say.

Oh truckin', truckin'
I been truckin' all my life
Truckin' in a trucker's truck,
Truckin's like my wife

Well, not sure about that bit, now I think about it. Doesn't make sense. Anyway, my wife's Sally. You'd like her. She's a trainee solicitor. Hopefully, in a few years she'll get a better job and I can give up this truck driving work. Because, as I said, the hours are long. I don't mind it, though; better than digging the sewer, I always say. Job's a job, isn't it?

[Radio crackle]

RADIO VOICE: Mayday! Mayday! My rig's on fire, I'm stuck in the cab. Emergency, repeat emergency. Need urgent assistance. Come on.

VOICE: [Uncertain} Err, yes, 1812, rubber...Johnny.

Never really got the hang of this stuff, to tell the truth. There's a book somewhere with all the lingo in. Meant to learn it but somehow...well, you know.

RADIO VOICE: Do you copy? This is an emerge-

VOICE: Let's just turn that off. [Click] Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. In short, truckin': not a bad career choice, but probably not for everyone. OK, bye.

[Music plays for a little too long before fade]

TAXI(N' THE BRAIN)

TAXI. A flustered BUSINESSMAN next to a COCKNEY CAB-DRIVER:

DRIVER Awright guv'nor?

BUSINESSMAN Yes, er - Shepherd's Bush please, I'm in a hurry.

DRIVER Right you are mate. (starts the cab) Mind if I putta bitta music on?

BUSINESSMAN If you must.

DRIVER Luverly jubbly. (puts on classical music) Know what that is Sir?

BUSINESSMAN Mozart?

DRIVER (laughs) Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart Sir? Don't make me barf! That is of course Fryderyk Chopin's Mazurki Opus 19 in B flat! You must recognize it from Ingmar Bergman's 1972 existentialist drama 'Viskningar och rop' - awright, 'Cries and Whispers' to the layperson - the one where Agnes - semantically equivalent to Agnus - Agnus Dei, geddit? - gets apothosized via the intercession of humble but believing servant Anna as played by Kari Sylwan - thus explaining Agnes' post-Christian salvation but not the epiphany of sister Maria via the seemingly post-Judaic but actually semi-Hinduistic Karen. No wonder her newfound sense of faith falls apart at the moment of Capitalistic Marxistic sharing of the estates - and they say Bergman's sole preoccupation is the soul itself, not political ideological miscarriages of justice... Fancy a fag?

BUSINESSMAN Er, yes please. Marlborough?

DRIVER (laughs) Marlborough? You kill me mate! Have one of these! (gives him an electronic cigarette)

BUSINESSMAN Thank you.

DRIVER 'Cos I look at life philosophically.

BUSINESSMAN Um?

DRIVER Sure, but not in traditionalistic Platonic-cum-Socratic thinkings as expounded by Descartes, Camus and Satre - more in the Hegelian, Nietzschian, Heideggerian sense of a Weltanschauung, epitomizing not only one's concepts - and notice I say 'concepts', not 'abstract concepts' - Lord I hate that, concepts are of their intrinsic nature abstract, no? - but also subconscious prejudices, Jungian prototypes, Freuduan post-natal traumas, even post-feminist sexual drives - (laughs) don't tell Germaine Greer I said that!... I'm not boring you am I?

BUSINESSMAN No, not at all.

DRIVER Good... Read any good books lately?

BUSINESSMAN Er - 'Financial Times'?

DRIVER (swerves to a halt) Nothing but a pseudo-fascistic semi-individualistic arch-plutocratic pamphlet purporting to uphold a belief in human endeavour whilst simultaneously undermining the afore-mentioned! I speak of the classics - Molière, Shakespeare, Chaucher, even - and I do so hate to cite twentieth-century genii in such a midst, but - Virginia Woolf? James Joyce? Samuel Beckett? Yet for the true movements of the innermost soul, one must return to Homer, Virgil, Catullus. For he wrote, 'I hate and I love. Why I would do that, you may ask. I don't know. But I feel its occurrence and am torn asunder.'

BUSINESSMAN You really think so?

DRIVER No I'm joking... You know us taxi-drivers Sir, we're renowned for our sense of humour... Nah, what he actually said was 'Odi et amo. Quare id faciam, fortasse requires. Nescio. Sed fieri sentio et excrucior.' (laughs) Catullus may've been a literary-cum-linguistic legend, but I barely believe he could express the English vernacular several centuries before its very inception!... There I go again, my whacky sense of humour.

BUSINESSMAN Thank you. (looks at meter, takes out money) There you are.

DRIVER Nice one mate. (drives off)

BUSINESSMAN Bloody cab-drivers. Thick as shit aren't they.

THREE LADS STEVE, DAVE AND ANDY ARE AWAY FOR THE WEEKEND AND PILE INTO A TAXI FOR A NIGHT ON THE TOWN.

DRIVER:
So lads where are you off to tonight?

STEVE:
Ah The Stables I think it's called.

DRIVER:
Plenty of fine fillies there, eh!?

STEVE:
Yes we hope so.

DRIVER:
Come 'ere lads. One thing the ladies love is a good hard firm forehead. That's how I met me missus. She didn't think much of me face but she saw the front of me noggin and she was smitten. Couldn't get her home quick enough.

Unfortunately on the way home we got attacked by a baby.

STEVE:
What? How did-

DRIVER:
So I did what any man would do. Took the barrage of hits, fell to the floor, took off me socks and whistled into a manhole for as long as I could.

The strange thing was that the baby stood there staring at me. I could feel his eyes boring into the back of my skull, breathing ominously while he changed his own nappy.

STEVE:
And your missus was smitten because of that?

DRIVER:
She said only a manly man with the skull of a mountain goat could have withstood the assault. Fortunately that man had gone backup the mountains grazing so she took me to the hospital.

Four stitches on my lip; A sliced chin; gnawed nose; closed eyes but my forehead was perfect.

STEVE:
Closed eyes?

DRIVER:
I was asleep.

STEVE:
So she carried you to the hospital?

DRIVER:
Oh no no no...well yes.

STEVE:
How did that work?

DRIVER:
Ah here we are... Tenner please.

Just remember as long as you keep your forehead in top nick the women won't be able to resist you.

THE LADS HOP OUT OF THE TAXI.

ANDY:
What a nutter!

THE LADS WALK PAST A FEW SHOPS ON THEIR WAY TO THE PUB. IN ONE SHOP WINDOW THEY SEE A 'FOREHEAD REPAIR KIT', A PHARMACY HAS AN ADVERT THAT READS 'FORGE AHEAD WITH THE PERFECT FOREHEAD' AND HAS PICTURES OF HOLLYWOOD CELEBRITIES FOREHEADS ENTICING PEOPLE TO GET THE 'FOREHEAD OF THE STARS'.

DAVE:
What the hell is going on?!

STEVE:
C'mon there's nothing to worry about. Lets just enjoy the night.

INT PUB NIGHT.

DAVE IS ATTEMPTING TO PUT THE MOVES ON A GIRL.

DAVE:
Hi, my name is Dave.

GIRL: (DISMISSIVELY)
Good for you.

DAVE:
Yeah I know, I love it......so what are you drinking?

GIRL:
Alcohol.

DAVE:
Cool. Me too.

THE GIRL TURNS BACK TO SPEAK TO HER FRIEND. DAVE THINKS FOR A MOMENT AND CALLS HER TO LOOK AT HIM.
SHE TURNS BACK AND DAVE HAS HIS FRINGE PULLE UP TO REVEAL HIS FORHEAD.

GIRL:
Ugh! Thats disgusting!

THE GIRLS STORMS OFF.

STEVE COME OUT OF THE BATHROOM WITH A GIRL IN TOW. HE APPROACHES DAVE.

STEVE:
You can't just go around revealing yourself like that. You have to be much more subtle.

STEVES FOREHEAD IS COVERED IN LIPSTICK KISS MARKS.

STEVE:
Look, Andy's doing something right.

ANDY IS WALKING OUT THE DOOR OF THE PUB WITH A GIRL. THE MOMENT HE STEPS OUTSIDE HE IS ABSOLUTELY FLATTENED BY A FLYING BABY.

END.

EXTERNAL MAIN ROAD - A MAN IS STANDING AT THE SIDE OF THE ROAD WITH HIS THUMB OUT, HITCHING A LIFT. AT HIS FEET THERE ARE SEVERAL LIDL'S CARRIER BAGS , IN THE BACKGROUND WE SEE A LIDL'S SUPERSTORE SIGN.

SEVERAL CARS PASS UNTIL ONE FINALLY STOPS

Driver: Alright mate where you going?

Man: Swansea

Driver: Hop in, you can put the carrier bags in the back seat

MAN STARTS PACKING THE BACK SEAT WITH HIS CARRIER BAGS, THEN JUMPS INTO THE FRONT SEAT.

Driver: Where in Swansea you going mate?

Man: 23 High street please.

DRIVER PULLS OFF

Text on the screen reads

LIDL'S WE ARE NOW DOING HOME DELIVERIES, SELECTED AREAS ONLY.

END

My vote goes to Otterfox - Brilliant line - So I did what any man would do. Took the barrage of hits, fell to the floor, took off me socks and whistled into a manhole for as long as I could.

Otterfox for me, too. I personally would have prefered it if it had just been the ramblings of a crazy driver, and skipped the scene in the club. Then again, I do love the flying baby.

Anyway, it's a clear winner for me, incredibly memorable oddities.

Yes, Udderfox.

Very close this week but Carlos pips it as I wasn't expecting the ending.