Pre opening credits Kerry Moon episode 1

INT.-Delivery suite on a maternity ward.

Medical staff busily make final preparations for a new arrival. All involved in this shot are seen from the neck down including expectant mother on bed.Camera hovers over bulging belly of mother to be as she cries out in agony, pants heavily and gasps for air.

PREGNANT WOMAN

AAAARGH

CAMERA CLOSES TOWARDS PREGNANT WOMANS BELLY AND THROUGH SKIN AS IF ENTERING HER BODY

INT-WOMANS WOMB

A conversation takes place between a baby and an unseen ethereal being.

Baby peacefully sleeps in foetal position.
A calm, soothing voice talks to the baby who responds by trying to ignore it, turning away like a reluctant teenager being asked by his mother to get up for school on a Monday morning.

VOICE

Jake (pause) Jake (pause)

JAKE

Hm mm...

VOICE

Jake it's almost time. You have to start moving.
J..a..k..e J..a..k..e we have to have that chat now.

Jake

Just five more minutes.

VOICE

I'm sorry Jake but I must insist you wake up. We do not have five minutes.

JAKE

OK! OK! I'm awake.

VOICE

Thank you Jake I really appreciate your co-operation. Now like I said we do not have much time. Over the last nine months I have really enjoyed our time together. However there are some things I omitted from our little chats and now it is only fair that I give you the opportunity to see a little bit of what awaits you should you choose to be born.

Jake

(EXCITED VOICE)
REALLY? Am I Rich? Do I live in a mansion? Do I have a sports car? Do I have the same name? I love the name Jake it's just the coolest. Do I...

voice

Jake calm down, calm down. All this agitation is not good for you or your mother. Now just settle down and listen.
I am going to give you a little look into your future, a sneak preview if you like. Now what I show you is not a complete picture more like watching a movie trailer. Like all good trailers the ending will not be revealed and can only be seen if you the viewer is prepared to sit through the entire film. There is no fast forward button, no delete button. The only certainty is that the film will eventually end. Do you understand what I am telling you Jake?

Jake

(More solemn)I think so.

VOICE

Good.Then just close your eyes and I'll start the trailer.
(Starts humming Pearl and Dean Cinema music)
Ba BA BA BA BA BA BA BA BA BA BA BA BA BA BA BA BA BA BA yes!

Jake

What are you doing?

VOICE

Just building up to the trailer, you know setting the mood

JAKE

What?

VOICE

Sorry. No hot dog then?

JAKE

Just the trailer please.

(CAMERA FOCUSES ON FACIAL REACTION OF JAKE AS HE VIEWS PARTS OF HIS LIFE TO BE. NONE OF WHAT JAKE SEES IS VISIBLE TO THE VIEWER WHO CAN ONLY GUESS AT WHAT HE SEES THROUGH HIS FACIAL REACTIONS AND WORDS OF "VOICE" AS IT TRIES TO REASSURE JAKE.)

VOICE

It's OK Jake. Remember this is not the entire picture. Things could get so much better. But remember things could get much worse.

JAKE

(Pained voice)
Please stop. No more....THOUGH WAIT A MINUTE .Who is she? She is beautiful! NO GO BACK! GO BACK LET ME WATCH A LITTLE BIT LONGER

VOICE

Sorry Jake we have to stop now. I am afraid that is all I am allowed to show you.

JAKE

But who is she?

VOICE

You know I can't tell you Jake. But what I can say is that, should you chose to be born you will meet her one day. Under what circumstance I do not know. Only the boss is privy to this information but you will meet her.

(Muffled sound of panicked voices coming from outside of the womb and the sound of the mother to be in pain)

INT-MATERNITY SUITE

UN-named 1

Now listen Joan the baby hasn't turned like he should have and you're not dilated enough to leave him in that position for too long. I am afraid we're going to have to do a C section if we're to save your baby. Do you understand me Joan?

PREGNANT WOMAN

AAARGH.......Y...E..S.....EEEEE

INT -WOMB

VOICE

It's time Jake. You have to make your decision. You have two choices. You can come back with me and an eternity of comfort and safety or take a chance and be born. Be warned Jake both have their risks. Come with me and you will never know what it is to truly experience life. Or be born and experience life and all it entails, good and bad.
I need a decision Jake.

JAKE

What about her, will I remember her?

VOICE

I'm afraid not. Your memories are already beginning to fade and when I hear your decision your memory will be erased, your mind re- set if you like. So what is it to be Jake?

(Before Jake can answer the womb is cut open, hands reach in and pull Jake from the voice.)

VOICE

(Panicked for the first time)
JAKE! JAKE! JAKE!
(QUIETLY)
Oh bollocks.

CUT TO:

INT -MATERNITY SUITE

Medical team works frantically to resuscitate baby.

UN-NAMED2

There's still no pulse. Come on little fellow, breath.

CUT TO:

INT. Womb as it is stitched/stapled up?

VOICE

(AS IF SPEAKING TO SOMEONE ON A TELEPHONE)
No I wasn't given a decision...I... I know I was supposed to..... I have done this before you know... Take it up with whoever you want. I made an executive decision, whether it was the right one only time will tell.
Don't you talk to me like that! What's your name?
What do you mean what's it got to do with you? Do you know who I am?...No...no don't you dare hang up on me..... Hello? Hello!

(VOICE STARTS TO FADE STILL REMONSTRATING AS BELLY CLOSES)

CUT TO:

EXT. Head shot of man slowly coming out of what appears to be a dream of what we have just watched. As his eyes begin to focus he sees a man in a dog costume smiling at him. He looks around and sees a young boy eating an ice scream staring at him. He sits up and realises he is naked and on a bench in the middle of a park. The boy begins to panic.

BOY

MUMMY!MUMMY!

MAN

KERRY!

CUT TO: Opening credits.

This is well written but I'm not sure about it.It's a good idea but is child-birth funny to most people?I don't really know and consequently am a bit baffled by it.Then again what do I know?Good writer anyway.You ,that is.

Thanks for the feedback Jaicee. I have not really written much before but for some reason this scene kept coming into my head and I felt compelled to write it down. From then on a number of weird characters started to appear in my mind along with a plot .I am just glad someone has been kind enough to read it and give feedback. I think I will put up another scene and any critique would be greatly appreciated. I always find writing difficult but visualising a story not a problem so weak writing is often my concern. Ta once again Jaicee.

Hi OTTY,

I really liked it, I liked the premise and I liked the fact you did not try and force the humour. I think this idea has legs and I like your dialogue. I would like to read more.

Two things though -

1) The piece is repeated more than once on my browser - if it is the same for you I suggest you 'edit' it to remove the repetition. I nearly did not read it as it looked such a long piece.
2) The naked man on a park bench with a child present bothered me and I bet would scare the crap out of anyone at the BBC!

regards

playfull

Thanks for the advice Playfull. I removed the repeat and the nudity issue is just bad editing. In the re-write he is dressed albeit in rags. Thanks for the feedback.

I'm rather more bemused than amused.

It's not funny, nor is it dramatic.

It's just a whimsical bit of chat between a foetus and a voice.

It might as well be between an onion and I dunno a carrot.

Except it isn't really whimsical.

Genuinely what was the point?

I found this passage confusing: "It's time Jake. You have to make your decision. You have two choices. You can come back with me and an eternity of comfort and safety or take a chance and be born. Be warned Jake both have their risks. Come with me and you will never know what it is to truly experience life. Or be born and experience life and all it entails, good and bad."

I don't understand the suggestion that there might be some risk involved in "an eternity of comfort and safety."

I'd be interested to see you develop the idea further but I think you need to tighten it up and inject a few laughs.

Thanks for the feedback.
As already stated, I enjoy writing but do not consider myself to be a good writer. It is a short opening scene written to hopefully make the viewer curious enough to find out what is going on. It is not a story that is joke after joke more about the characters and the odd situations they find themselves in. A lot of the scenes are awkward comedy wise and not to every ones taste. I agree the line about risk is confusing but an eternity of comfort would be a risk to some as it could deprive them of the full emotional rollercoaster called life.
Once again thanks for the feedback, it's good to get some pointers.