I'm not sure if I have ever posted this sketch. I wrote it for Harry Hill as he lives in same apartments as my mate. He gave him this but we heard nothing back and it was agreed we would only ask him once so as not to make my mate a nuisance neighbour.
Its a bit long and Harry never read it but I was hoping someone here might.
ACAP
TV Studio Stage
HH
Deadly Serious Tone
"As a comedian I make light of most subjects and this can often leave people thinking that I am flippant even unconcerned, when in reality nothing could be further from the truth.
Yes I often make cheap jibes and hilarious observations, but I have a serious side and tonight I would like to talk to you about something that is close to my heart and consumes most of my free time, I am of course talking about my work with ACAP"
Places Cap on head bearing the words A CAP
Continues earnestly
"Three years ago as I was walking home late from a Christmas party when I passed a rather shabby looking Donkey Puppet who was attempting work a crowd at a bus stop by singing the Chesney Hawke classic 'I am the one and only'.
Sadly this brave little puppet stood and sang as the people got onto their bus without donating; in fact one man lashed out at 'Dave the Donkey' and told him to get a proper job.
When I got home I was so troubled that I went back out in search of this brave little puppet only to discover that he had in fact been grabbed by some rowdy dustcart men and was now lashed to their wagons front bumper
That night I swore that I would do my utmost to help puppets that were down on their luck.
Three weeks later with the help of donations from friends and acquaintances and after being flatly refused a National Lottery Grant, we were able to open the first Acute Centre for Abused Puppets in the UK.
This short film you are about to see is designed to show the work we do at ACAP and at the end of it we hope that you too will buy a cap for ACAP"
Bedroom with posters of Newcastle United and Cheryl Cole on the wall
Large friendly looking Badger in a multi coloured striped toweling dressing gown sitting on a single bed
EDDY
Geordie accent
'Hello Mr Harry"
HH
"Hello Eddy"
EDDY
"Thanks for coming ta see us again like, it really keep's all our spirits up like"
HH
Embarrassed
"I do what little I can"
EDDY
Deadly Earnest
"Don't be bashful man if it weren't for you and Miss Julie we would all be up BLEEP creek withoot a paddle man."
HH
Flustered at the swearing
"Yes quite, well I'm here today to show the work that ACAP does and the many puppets it helps, so if it's ok with you Eddy I would like to share your tale with the viewers?"
EDDY
"Fire away mon, I dinna want what happened to me to happen to some other poor BLEEPER"
HH
"Up until two weeks ago Eddy the Badger was working as a glove puppet on the Northeast club circuit with his owner 'Foul Mouth Freddy Foster' in their headline act 'Eddy and BLEEPING Freddy'.
Things were looking rosy for the duo and there was even talk of their act traveling as far South as Sheffield. Sadly Eddy's partner Freddy developed the first stages of a tickly cough and decided to get first class medical advice free off the internet.
Pause
I'll let Eddy take up the story from here."
EDDY
Sits up and is very serious
"Well he had this tickly cough like and I says to him "Goin buy yorself some Worthers originals ya wassock.
But he wouldn't listen to me man and went onto a web site called 'Doctors who know nowt' and they said that what he had was TB and that he must have got it off me like because I'm a Badger.
HH
Concerned
"How do you react to that?"
EDDY
I told the daft wassock that what they had said was a load of Bleep as I've no pulmonary system; for BLEEPS sake I haven't even got a BLEEPING BEE......
HH
"So you clearly couldn't have TB"
Eddy
" Could I Bleep well anyways I went to bed in me box that night and then I heard a noise. It was Freddy and he was back on the web only this time he was on the 'Country File' website and was reading aboot Badger culls.
Any roads I kept an eye on him through a crack in the lid like and I watched him go into the kitchen and get an aerosol can of Mr Muscle oot the cupboard like.
So I thought this BLEEPING nutter is ganna do me in with gas while I'm a kip. So I was out of there like a BLEEPING shot man and I spent the night in Gateshead Bus station."
HH
Concerned
"Why didn't you contact the police?"
EDDY
"Have you any idea how the police treat us puppets? My mate Horace the Hedgehog went into a cop shop once after his owner put him in a washing machine on purpose like. Do you know what the BLEEPS did? They kept hold of him and now he's doing police road safety shows in schools! BLEEPING road safety in schools man! This is a guy who was earning three hundred quid a day mind, outside the Metro Centre! So dinna talk to me aboot the police man"
HH
Flustered by the swearing
"Yes quite, so you found yourself at Gateshead bus station"
EDDY
Matter of fact, calmer
"Aye, well any roads I was ganna have a kip in a fonebox when I saw ACAPS number in the little display panel and I fones them up like. I only had to wait twenty minutes or so and I was picked up and given a bed for the night and the next day I was posted here in a real smart box like. They give me my own room and I have a counselor to help with me BLEEPING swearing like"
Hharry
You picked up the swearing off your old owner did you"
EDDY
'Aye too BLEEPING right I did, the cheeky BLEEPER left me talking like a Glaswegian docker with BLEEPING Tourettes"
HH
"Well Eddy you will be pleased to hear that I have spoken to Miss Julie and there is a chance you could be with a new owner by the end of the week."
EDDY
Thumbs up, extremely pleased
"BLEEPING Magic that is, thanks Mr Harry"
HH
Walking along a corridor
"As sad as it is Eddy's story is not an isolated one. These rooms house some of the saddest of cases"
Harry then stops in his tracks as he can over hear a very loud conversation he looks through an open door into a room and sees a Sue type puppet from Sooty & Sweep who is talking on a mobile phone. She is wearing a purple V neck sweater and pearls and is talking Estuary English on a Blackberry
SUE
Talking on phone in an appalled manner
"This place hasn't even got an Aga, I had to cook a Risotto on a gas ring last night. If I stay here any longer darling I'll probably develop rickets or something ghastly like that.
HH
Knocks on the open door as he walks in his tone is friendly
"Hello I believe you came in late last night so we haven't met"
SUE
Holds phone to chest and talks down to Harry
"Walk right in why don't you!"
HH
"I'm sorry to invade your privacy, my names Mr Harry well that's what the other puppets call me anyway"
SUE
"From the look of you I can't say I'm surprised, anyway clear off I'm on the phone"
HH
Pathetic attempt to impose authority
"Actually I help run the center"
SUE
Quickly finishes phone conversation
"Darling I'll call you back some sort of janitors here"
cont
"So you must be here in response to my email?"
HH
"I'm sorry I wasn't aware that you had emailed me, when did you send it?"
SUE
Looks at Blackberry impatiently
"Nearly sixteen minutes ago!"
HH
"Well I won't have seen it yet I don't read my emails until I get home and not until after I have had my tea"
SUE
"I see, I suppose an idiot like you thinks' a Blackberry is something they put in Pop Tarts!"
That aside, you're here now so I can outline what needs doing.
HH
"If I can help in anyway?"
Sue
"You can start by evicting that foul mouthed Badger!"
HH
Points out the fact that a camera crew is present
"Actually the reason I'm here today is to show the public the work that goes on at the centre."
SUEue
Spots the camera and straightens her cashmere jumper
"Are we on now?"
HH
"Yes"
SUE
Straightens up, changes tack to a softer voice
"If this is being shown in Gstaad I would be grateful if anyone who know the Farquhar Henderson family if they could get them to phone this centre as soon as is possible so we can clear this mess up."
HH
'If your watching call 0208 800000000 and ask for Miss Julie, she's the centre's day manager"
SUE
Scoffs, nastier tone
"
Manager! She spends all of her time with that hideous Badger trying to get him to string two words together without using foul language. It's a complete waste of time and resources if you ask me! Besides aren't we culling Badgers these days?"
HH
Looks directly into the camera and is extremely earnest
"ACAP never puts a healthy puppet down"
SUE
"For god's sake,I was attempting to sleep last night but the noise coming through that wall was like a Pornographic version of 'When the boat comes in!"
HH
"Miss Julie tells me that you were found abandoned in a skip in at Tower Hamlets"
SUE
"I was not abandoned I was mistakenly and unceremoniously thrown out of a town house by some northern lout of a labourer who was doing the heavy work for one of London's foremost interior designers!
Furthermore for your information that hideous skip truck that I was rescued from may have been parked in Tower Hamlets, whilst the ghastly driver was probably dropping lager off to his children. But I can assure you that the house in question was and is in Primrose Hill!"
HH
Sympathetic Disbelief
"Miss Julie tells me she contacted the address you gave her but no one was there."
SUE
"Of course they weren't there you imbecile; they're not the sort of people who sit on up turned boxes eating kebabs and drinking cans of lager in a house that's being fully refurbished. They left for Switzerland the instant the commencement date was emailed to them by the interior designer."
HH
Cajoling
"Never the less you must be glad to have a nice place to stay till it gets sorted out"
SUE
"Nice place! Look at the décor! Farrow & Ball it isn't darling, then again I doubt if you people could spell anything more complicated than B & Q.
I can assure you that the minute my owners get back from their skiing trip this whole matter will be resolved and that oaf who threw me out of a third floor window leaving me for dead next to a broken toilet in that filthy skip will be before Horseferry road magistrates on no lesser charge than attempted murder.
And as for that pathetic doe eyed Miss Julie"....
Harry makes his excuses and closes the door over blocking out Sue and her ongoing rant.
Harry then attempts to smooth the issue over
HH
"As you can see some of our residents are very disturbed when they first arrive and it will only be after many hours of painstaking counseling with Miss Julie that this type of puppet will learn to accept that they have actually been abandoned by thoughtless owners"
Wawlking about the centre as he continues
"As you can see this centre has been designed to look and feel like a normal house so as to assist in helping the puppets get back to a normal way of life as quickly as possible."
Holds out his hand to show the room
HH
Proud
"This is the new TV lounge put together by your donations"
Camera pans around a carpeted room with Parker Knoll chairs and a wide screen TV.
In one chair is a Crocodile who is watching TV.
HH
Talks quietly in a bid not to disturb the Crocodile
"As you can see many of our residents are able to enjoy the normality this room offers."
Harry then moves across the room and sits next to the crocodile. The Crocodile turns to face Harry and smiles. It then turns off the TV using the remote control.
Kevin the Crocodile has three gold teeth and a pair of spectacles that has a plaster over one of its lenses. He is wearing a multi coloured striped toweling dressing gown
KEVIN
Scouse accent
"Alright Mr H"
HH
"Hello Kevin what were you watching"
KEVIN
"Crimewatch"
HH
"Kevin I have this camera crew with me in an attempt to show the public the work we do at here at ACAP.
I was wondering if you would be able to give the viewers an insight into your particular case"
KEVIN
'Yeah no problem Mr H.
Reflects
"It all started after I went down to Brighton to visit a few of me mates. As soon as I got there I was made up and decided to see if I could find some work locally so that I could stay for the summer.
At first I had no luck as most of the jobs advertised were not suitable for Crocodiles.
And as me savings dwindled I was at me wits end, then I was at a partee and got introduced to some feller calling himself Professor Codman, he told me that he had a massive tent on the beach and that I could get me head down in it for a few weeks. I thought was a bit moody you know like he was a crocodile serial killer or sometin, but then he said that there was a policeman staying in the tent as well so I thought it would be safe"
Anyway the next day I met him at Brighton pier and he took me for a coffee and I'm sure it was spiked.
Breaks down
The next thing I remember was that I was stuck living in a two story tent with this mad family. The auld fella was called Punch and his Judy funny enough was called Judy. They spent every day arguing and throwing their kid around the tent.
Then the policeman started taking me upstairs and beating me up at the window in full view of all these people who just stood around laughing at me while I was getting done in!. The beatings in front of these people got so regular that an ice cream van even started coming round selling lolly ices for them to have while the bizzy was battering me!
Determined
Anyway one night I overheard this Professor talking to someone outside the tent. He was saying that he was thinking of updating the show and that instead of the clacker that was being used to hit me on the head; he was now going to give the bizzy Pepper spray.
There was no way I was having that and as I was due to be taken upstairs for another beating I done one out the tent!"
HH
"Done one? You mean you escaped?"
Kevin
Snaps aggressively
'I just said that didn't I?!"
HH
Shocked and submissive
"Sorry Kevin please continue"
KEVIN
"Anyway when I got out the tent the alarm went up so I grabbed an abandoned inflatable bed and just let the tide take me to freedom.
About twenty minutes later I washed up in Hove and made a reverse charge phone call to ACAP"
HH
"You know we do have a freephone number and they do charge treble for reverse charge calls"
KEVIN
"I've already said sorry to Miss Julie at least twenty times about that and I hate it when she starts crying"
HH
To Camera
"The budget is tight!"
KEVIN
Resumes unprompted
"Anyway when I arrived at the centre I was in a bad way, the constant beatings from the policeman had left me with three missing teeth and a squint in me right eye.
But thanks to Miss Julie and the staff I got free three gold teef (Shows three gold teeth)
Mouth back to normal
And with a bit of luck the plaster comes of me glasses next week. There is even talk of me gettin work in local travel agents window that specialises in holidays to Florida. I owe everything to ACAP and the work it does here
Harry stands up and continues walking through the centre as he talks
HH
Earnest
"As you can see this centre is vital if Puppets like' Kev the Crock' and 'Eddy the Badger' are ever to lead normal lives.
Sadly not all puppets reach the ACAP center, many fall foul of unscrupulous puppeteers and spend their lives often working long hours only to be locked into boxes at the end of the day until their next shift starts.
ACAP needs your donations to continue its good work. The more you give the more we can do, so please buy a cap for ACAP.
And remember it's not wholly one sided affair; many of the puppets that leave this centre have themselves gone on to do some pretty amazing things to help others in society.
Recently Gynnnnellladdlliod Mountain rescue team dropped former ACAP client "Maurice the Mountain Goat' down by helicopter to a family that was trapped inside an upturned caravan.
Picture on screen of a happy family by a caravan with all their hair sticking up and in the middle is a Goat puppet wearing a green paramedic jumpsuit type outfit
HH
Continues talking over the photo
"Maurice helped to entertain these people whilst their caravan was put back the right way up and the family was then able to get on with their holidays"
Back to the studio
HH
"But no story about the work we do at ACAP would be complete without the final word coming from someone who is undeniably our most celebrated client and to date our greatest success story. He can't actually be here now as he is currently appearing on New York's Broadway.
But thanks to a live satellite link, we can leave the last word to a puppet that needs no introduction and who in his time has worked with the true greats from Andy Pandy to Zig & Zag.
Ladies and gentleman I am delighted to present Colin the Chimpanzee!"
Fuzzy Screen
Colin the Chimpanzee is in a silk dressing gown and is sitting in on a seat at a lit up mirror and table in a stereotypical dressing room scenario. The picture is strained to suggest it is a live satellite link
COLIN
Waves excitedly to the camera with finger in his ear as he speaks in a fuax American accent
"Hello Mr Harry, hello UK.
All I can say is that ACAP saved my life, two years ago as you well know I came into your centre after a down turn in my career.
Reflects sadly
One minute they couldn't get enough of chimpanzees on TV and the next everyone was asking if I had any friends who were Meerkats. Then after a disastrous Panto season with Keith Chegwin in Leicester I was barely able keep a lid over my head.
Dramatically switches to upbeat
But hey Mr Harry, Miss Julie you certainly sorted me out. You put me on a flight to New York and then gave me numbers to call when I landed and hey now look at me now kids!.
Blows a kiss
As you can see I'm on Broadway playing in the 'Lion King' Three nights ago I was on the town with the Muppets and next week I'm on Sesame Street doing the letter 'C'.
All I can say to you people back in the UK is buy a cap for ACAP, because those guys really go the extra yard!
Extremley aggressive American voice from out of shot
Unseen Voice
"Where the BLEEPS that Chimpanzee gone now, Simba's about to find his fathers body"
Picture goes fuzzy
Back to the studio
HH
Flustered then sheepishly recovers
"Thanks for your time Colin I know you took that call on your break.
As you can see ACAP is often the only chance abused or abandoned puppets have, that's why I want you buy a cap for ACAP and help give a glove puppet a helping hand. Because the alternative can often be a fate no puppet should suffer"
Music starts
Chesney Hawkes 'I am the one and only'
Screen goes to a photo of a puppet Donkey lashed to the grill of a bin Wagon.
A Freephone number is on the bottom of the screen and it says in brackets underneath.
(Please Refrain From Reverse Charge Calls Were Possible)
Plays out to the music
The End
