Can you tell I'm Scottish from this?Please critique this small effort at something or other.
WORDS
A Short Monologue
Words are important . The meaning of words especially . If somebody says to me
" Hurry up! Get your arse in gear!" I can't help thinking - What do you mean -
"Get your arse in gear!"
I wasn't aware my arse was fitted with a gear or any other mechanical device for speeding me up . Do you just reach down , flick a switch conveniently located at either side of your anus and off you go at top speed ? Don't think so . Maybe somebody's working on such a device at NASA or somewhere but until it's in the shops , has proven to be safe for use in any situation , isn't inflammable etc. my arse will most definitely not be getting in gear . I may hurry and move a little faster .
If you ask a friend in a café , say.
"How's your sandwich?"
And they reply
"It's shite!"
My first reaction is to think
"They serve sandwiches with a shite filling in here? What bastards."
That sounds like a Heston Blumenthal recipe or something . You can hear Heston saying .
" Oh yes this is an old Tuscan peasant custom . When the old Tuscan peasants were out in the fields and feeling a bit peckish they liked nothing better than two slices of bread with an excrement filling . Plenty of fibre and all that."
No ! This imaginary , indeed completely fictitious friend's equally fictitious sandwich wasn't shite it just wasn't very good or indeed not very palatable .
You have to careful with the words you use .
"How's your pint?"
"It's complete pish!"
Well serves you right for buying a pint of urine then . Does it come in a trendy wee bottle and have an obscure foreign name which in fact is foreign for "pish" ?
More fool you . Not very nice or awful would describe it better .Then again can a pint of beer be full of awe ? Who knows?
Then , of course , there's sex . You have to be really careful what words you use on that horny , I mean thorny subject .
" Did you pull the other night?"
"I got off with this right dog!"
Apart from the fact that , I'm no lawyer or anything , but I'm sure it's illegal or at least slightly dodgy to get off with a dog . Think of the hairs everywhere as well . All over the furniture and carpets .
"She was rough as well."
Said the imaginary dog-loving friend .
What , you've picked up a female canine ,taken her home with you for the purpose of sexual gratification then you're complaining about her being a bit rough ? There's no pleasing some people .
Why not tell the truth and say because I was inebriated I was picked up by a young lady who when I had sobered up the next morning turned out to look slightly different from what I had imagined her to look like in my drink -sodden state . In mitigation I had drunk a pint of pish , eaten a shite sandwich because I was in a hurry and had had to get my arse in gear hence ending up with a dog in my bed.
Remember ! Words are important . Use them carefully .