Skit Comp 10 - 17.7.13

Thanks to all for participating and congratulations to GAPPY for winning again. Please get pished as a farth and PM me with subjects for next wank. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - 404 Not Found, Michael Monkhouse
Speckled mention: Jakob Jensen

Your new subject: Magazines (suggested by Gappy). I flick through them with my free hand.

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 17.7.13

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Votes - Name
1 - 45 - Gappy
2 - 35 - Michael Monkhouse
3 - 15 - Otterfox, Jakob Jensen
4 - 5 - 404 Not Found, Steve Sunshine

A BIG HAND

STUDIO. PRESENTER and A NOB:

PRESENTER Good heaving ladies and gentlemen and you over there, and welcome to the 'Saturday Night Live Show', a show pre-recorded on Friday afternoon. My guest tonight is Ivor Cockburn, known to eleven countries and France for his stunning, stupendous and good shadow-puppetry... Ivor, welcome.

NOB Please, call me Ivor.

PRESENTER So Mr Cockburn, we'd love you to see your shadow-puppet of a rabbit.

NOB Oh for surely, yes. Most easy! For I have a bunny in this very bag, and for those watching on radio or listening in black-and-white, I am now extracting the fellow therefrom and holding it by the lug-holes before a strategically-positioned lamp so as to cast its shadow onto the wall opposite. And I'm sure you'll agree it looks just like one of our toothsome friends, no?

APPLAUSE.

PRESENTER Ivor you've missed the point. You're supposed to form an image with your hand so it looks like a bunny - like this.

NOB And what the bally heck's that? Looks just like your hand to me.

PRESENTER Yes, but you imagine it's a bunny.

NOB No need, my good man: I've one right here, just showed you.

PRESENTER But it's fun.

NOB Not really, the bugger's dead.

PRESENTER Okay. Next, how'd you do an elephant?

NOB Can't.

PRESENTER The gesture's too complex?

NOB No, the fiend's too large for this here bag. But were I performing in New York or Washington or Stoke - well, as Freddie Mercury quipped, 'The show must go on. Unlike your panties, little 'un.' So I would scour a zoo or a forest or Safari, slaughter the beast, then get my glamorous assistant Nigel to hold it in front of the lamp, thus creating the shape required.

APPLAUSE.

NOB Thank you, I try to do my best.

PRESENTER But you're meant to - I'll show you, look.

NOB Mmmm.... Nope. Still looks like your fist to me.

PRESENTER Last, how'd you do Europe?

NOB (laughs hysterically) Oh come, come, come, as the priest said to the choirboy. Europe holds a number of countries, and France, how the blinking heck would I fit that into the old swagbag? I'd need a sack like Jimmy Savile's during 'Grange Hill'.

PRESENTER For God's sake - look I'll do it, this is superb.

NOB Not bad, I'll admit. But still definitely your dick beaters.

PRESENTER Ivor you are the worst shadow-puppeteer ever.

NOB Ah, but I've been joking.

PRESENTER What?

NOB Of course I can do shadow puppets. Look at this...

PRESENTER What's that?

NOB I call it, 'The Hand'.

PRESENTER Right that's it. (starts to leave)

NOB No I can also do thumb, first finger, middle - maybe not...

PRESENTER (leaves)

NOB Bastard.

KALAMEK: Morning, Zintox. Lovely 32nd century day out there, isn't it? Good journey?

ZINTOX:Not bad. Bit of a matter transporter jam 'round cyber-Haringey.

RANTELLA:Typical. Well, we're just waiting for caffistix to be delivered, and we'll get started. Did everyone have a nice night?

KALAMEK:I just watched the 5D ultraball slam, and had an early night.

ZINTOX:Nice. I listened to Robo-Sensual Hyperphonics by Oodlegom Positron. Great record.

KALAMEK:Yes, and it's got the sort of name that would probably have sounded really futuristic eleven centuries ago, but which sounds completely normal to us.

ZINTOX:Good point. Yep, it's a really great album.

RANTELLA:Agreed. So, shall we get down to business?

ZINTOX:A really, really great album.

RANTELLAh, no, Zintox, we're not going through that again.

ZINTOXh, come on, Rantella.

RANTELLA:No. We already know what the best album is. OK Computer by Radiohead. It's the best album of all time. Officially.

ZINTOX:Look, I like OK Computer as much as anyone. It's good, and really captures that vibe of I'm-a-bit-upset-and-angry-at-contemporary-society-up-to-but-not-surpassing-the-point-of-very-nearly-wanting-to-do-something-about-it. But, over the centuries, other records have eclipsed it.

KALAMEK:Yeah. What about Treetop Songs by Yap Yopti? The bassoon solo on that
record actually cures cancer of the nasopharynx. Or Bright Blue Blackingtons by Afffffffffffff-ht? Music so great that it that not only provided
the solution to peace in the Middle East, but can also be worn as a hat.

ZINTOXlus there's I Done A Big Tune by Billy & The Ballbags, which kicks arse.

RANTELLA:I don't care. The decision has been made. OK Computer is the best album of all time. What, do you think that back in the 21st century people were using the phrase "best album of all time" without thinking it through? Do you think our mighty forefathers, and farsighted architects of our glorious world threw the words "of all time" around willy-nilly?

ZINTOX:[GRUDGINGLY] No.

RANTELLA: No, neither do I. And has time stopped?

KALAMEK:[MUMBLING] S'ppose not.

RANTELLA:Right. So, you can have your Positron record at number 101 if you like, it's fine by me. Just behind Shed 7. But no higher. The hundred greatest records of all time have been decreed, and shall ne'er be questionéd. So, shall we do some work, finally? Who has ideas for the five hundred and
twelve thousandth issue of Q Magazine?

KALAMEK:How about a list and some photos of the Beatles?

RANTELLA:Brilliant! Now we're cooking with gas!

ZINTOX:All the gas ran out last year.

RANTELLAh yeah, I forgot.

Highschool reunion party.

Susie: Hiii Wendy it's Susie.

Wendy: Susie. Good to see you. It's been so long.

Susie: You are a big celebrity now how many magz appearances this week?

Wendy: Oh well there's a picture of me in the gossip news. In the dress of the week section right next to Countess Sylfie.

Susie: You famous people have such fantastic clothing.

Wendy: Then an interview with me about my morning rituals in Hot gossip website.

Susie: I bet you really like to fluss.

Wendy: My new commercial for stockings was also in Q-magazine this week.

Susie: Do you think Q would be interested in a photo session with my sloggy's?

Wendy: Photographed at the red carpet at movie premiere to Movie Magazine.

Susie: We all want to see a picture of who saw the movie first.

Wendy: I'm in a new TV program Eating with the stars where four famous people are eating together and making food for each other. The magazine TVTVTV made a small article about that.

Susie: Hopefully you don't eat like me. There's food and gravy all over the place afterwards.

Wendy: Oh yes and an article in the fitness Magazine about how I lost 5 Kg's in a month.

Susie: I heard the problem with overweight is people's mouth is bigger than their asshole.

Wendy: In my new movie I'm playing a gardeners wife. So the magazine My Garden and Me made and article about me and my relationship to gardens.

Susie: I can hear the grass grow in my garden right now.

Wendy: I also think that it's this week that pictures from theater award show was shown on Glamour.dk. I looked absolutely fabulous that night.

Susie: Once I was in the local paper for stealing a chicken and releasing it in a beer tent at town party.

Wendy: How about you? What are you doing now?

Susie: Still kinder garden teacher nothing fancy.

Wendy: Exiting. Got to go now.

Susie: Can we be friends on facebook?

Wendy: Sure, just don't tag me, write me, upload pictures of me or contact any of my famous friends.

Susie: Sure... thanks. I've already sent an invitation. How about birthday reminders?

Mind the Gappy.

I'm really uncertain. Jakob's sketch had some nice little lines, and a good set up, but sort of fizzled out at the end, just when I was hooked for a big finish. Michael's was very well put together, and had some excellent jokes and a real Python vibe...but I literally cannot work out how it links to the theme ("magazine" style TV shows, perhaps? Hmmm). So, err, I dunno.

Hold on.

*Tosses coin*

It's Jakob. The 10p doesn't lie.

The merger of Horse and Hound with Home and Garden could be interesting.

Somebody had better bring a shovel...

I liked the space adventure. So gappy gets a vote from me.