Away Team Dilemma

We see three men in Star Fleet uniforms they are standing over a glass top. Two of them are holding tricorder type handsets.

MAN ONE
It's useless number one,we'll have to move them.

MAN TWO
Lifts the glass and places the tricorder inside.

Sir, according to my readings we could reduce them and they would still have a 24 hour window.

MAN ONE
Make it so

MAN THREE
Places his tricorder inside and we hear a series of clicks
I've put them into Whoops status sir.

MAN ONE
Looks at watch
Very well, gentleman after me if you will please we have I believe ten seconds.

The three men rush down an aisle of freezers and a through a set of plastic flap doors

We see a depot full of people in fancy dress hugging each other there are streamers going off and balloons everywhere

We see the sign
Asda Staff Fancy Dress New Years Eve Party 2013

I struggled with this Teddy. It's set up nicely, there's a good reveal and I think it's written pretty well. I'm just not finding it funny I'm afraid. Usefully, I can't explain why.

I know can't hit a coconut every time Rob so don't worry about that at all, I just try different angles every day to try and broaden my range so if I hit the bar then it was worth putting up.
I was hoping it might tickle a few Trekkies but doubt it has wide appeal.

Much improved with the editing. Could not see the joke before.

Regards

playfull

I should know better than to put stuff up that needs editing, but I get dragged into the idea rather than the plan so many times.
Thanks for the feedback Playfull

This is much better now Teddy, as with nearly all your stuff it would be lovely filmed, I think you have a directors eye in you (not literally, that would be eerie)

This one doesn't work for me I'm afraid
Firstly the Star Trek dialogue doesn't sound at all Star Trekkie and doesn't really paint a clear enough picture of what we are supposed to think is happening

Is the Tricorder meant to be something else & we are supposed to think it's a tricorder or is the man using a prop to check lamb?

And then you finish with two reveals which don't really complement one another.

Nice Germ of an idea perhaps but not ready Teddy.
(In my opinion anyway)

I agree Steve it was just an idea I had when I saw a lad stocktaking in Asda with what looked like one and he was spotty so it wrote it's self., which on reflection was lazy so next time I'll write it, then I can work on the dialogue and make it so.

Just done that Steve is it any better?

Yes
But I think if you lost the phrase Whoops status
& say that the've reached critical status & changed the 24 hour window to something like If we make the necessary reductions then we just might buy ourselves another 24 hours but it's a long shot. or something along those lines

I know you're a Trekkie Steve so I'll bow to your knowledge it's just that I didn't want to stray to far from basics otherwise I'm caught between two evils.

On one hand if it's to in depth it will go right over non trekkies heads and on a more serious note I can not risk breaking the Prime Directive either.

I just picked the two bits I thought stood out as a bit unconvincing.
My suggestions don't necessarily improve anything or even work themselves.

But I do like Star Trek, I'm sure I must have tried a Trek sketch at some time or other on here.

Watching the Stones and I thought it was the Wonga advert, Steve I agree it's no classic and thanks for your feed back.