British Comedy Guide
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A few pages, feedback appreciated....

I was bored so thought i'd post this, etc. :

FADE IN:

EXT. STREET. DAY

A suburban house. Close up on Charlie Jonze, stood outside. He’s in his early twenties, likeable and confident.

Close up on Lizzy Fitzgerald, early twenties, enthusiastic, and cheerful. Their dialogue is said at a rapid pace:

CHARLIE
I can’t believe this. What are you trying to say?

LIZZY
I already told you it’s over. Okay?

CHARLIE
But surely we can get through this?

LIZZY
We haven’t seen each other for the last 4 months. What have you been doing?

CHARLIE
Wallowing in my own self-pity.

Lizzy shakes her head, rolls eyes.

LIZZY
Look, I just think if we stay together life is going to be left
on the back burner.

CHARLIE
But we’ve had some fantastic times together. Can I... I don’t... I just need an answer, all right? Is this because I chose to see The Cure over our anniversary dinner?

CLAIRE (O.S.)
I can’t believe you chose The Cure over her. They’re horrible.

Cut to close up on Claire hanging out of the neighbour’s bedroom window, eavesdropping on their conversation.

CHARLIE
Claire, would you f**k off.

Back to the conversation.

LIZZY
To be honest I feel there’s someone I’m better suited to.

CHARLIE
Are you sleeping with him?

LIZZY
What?

CHARLIE
I mean if there’s someone already out there, someone you’re better suited to then you must be sleeping together.
(pause)
Or is it a her?

Silence. Charlie then says:

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
I’m being serious.

LIZZY
Does it matter?

CHARLIE
Yes! Of course it does. What’s his name?

LIZZY
Damien.

CHARLIE
Oh, that’s great. You’re going out with the son of the bloody devil?

LIZZY
I’m sorry. It’s just a change for the better... for me.

CHARLIE
So, where am I supposed to go?

LIZZY
I don’t know. That’s your decision, all right?

DAMIEN
(sigh)
All right.

Reveal that Damien is actually stood outside, and he and Lizzy are in conversation.

LIZZY
By the way, don’t forget this.

A suitcase lands at Damien’s feet from Lizzy’s grasp.

CUT TO:

Charlie and Holly in conversation.

HOLLY
Look, go back to Rosemary. I’m sure she can easily accommodate you.

CHARLIE
She is my top priority.

HOLLY
It’s a bloody video store, Charlie.

CHARLIE
Please, Holly. Don’t be like this.

HOLLY
You can collect the rest of your stuff when you’re ready.

As Charlie reacts we hear the door close. Music cue:

EXT. VIDEO STORE. DAY

The car pulls up to the side of the road. A pair of feet descends from the open door. Charlie jams the keys into the lock but something hard; intrusive is preventing the key from being inserted.

Charlie tries to force the shutter up but to no avail. He tries again. Nothing.

CHARLIE
Goddamn it! Bunch of savages in this town.

Charlie kicks the shutter as hard as he can, before recoiling in pain.

He places a call on his mobile.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
(into phone)
Hello? Yeah, right. I’m calling for... no. Yeah, sure. I’ll hold.

Charlie sighs.

LIZZY (O.S.)
Hi, Charlie. What’s going on?

Quick reveal of Lizzy, bag slung over her shoulder, comes into shot.

CHARLIE
Oh, hi. Lizzy. Lizzy Gillespie.

LIZZY
Gillespie?

CHARLIE
Kind of like Dizzy Gillespie, the jazz musician.

LIZZY
Oh, the trumpeter.

CHARLIE
Yeah. It’s a play on words thing.

LIZZY
Uh, huh. I got it the first time.

CHARLIE
Right. And the both of you blow so you can see the similarities.

Charlie laughs.

LIZZY
Are you all right, Charlie?

CHARLIE
Yeah. Better than ever but instead of talking about me let’s keep the focus on you.

LIZZY
Fine.

CHARLIE
So, how are you feeling?

She leans against the cold metal shutter and begins to ramble.

LIZZY
Honestly? Shit.
(sigh)
Yeah. So, I’ve been seeing my boyfriend on and off the last couple of months. He’s just come back from Uruguay...

Charlie laughs.

LIZZY (CONT’D)
What’s so funny?

CHARLIE
Kind of sounds like you are gay.

Charlie laughs once again but Lizzy is not amused.

LIZZY
(slow build)
The point is I kind of met someone else last night. Well, I say someone else. He’s more like an old boyfriend I met in a pub but it wasn’t really a pub, more like round the back of Sainsburys.
(weakly)
Which is fine, right?

Before Charlie can respond Lizzy continues.

LIZZY (CONT’D)
But that’s if you like freezing conditions and a pervert who thinks if he buys a women a Bacardi Breezer she’ll ride him like Red Rum.

Charlie nods thinking her constant banter is over but Lizzy continues.

LIZZY (CONT’D)
(deep breath)
Seriously though, I made the error of going back to a place I didn’t, uh, I guess the thing that let me, err... no. The big obstacle was, err... there wasn’t really... the truth of the matter is, err...

CHARLIE
You want to finish your sentence?

LIZZY
So, we’re over for good.

Both Charlie and Lizzy laugh before the reality of heartache sinks in.

CHARLIE
Yeah. I can’t stand it when relationships go wrong.

She nods in agreement.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
You’re probably going to go through a bunch of stages before acceptance. Firstly, there will be loneliness then anger...

LIZZY
I guess.

A pedestrian, causing no trouble, comes past the store and Charlie pushes him straight into a parked car without any hesitation.

Lizzy looks to Charlie, shocked.

CHARLIE
Holly and me broke up, by the way. She’s dating some guy called, Aaron.

The pedestrian pops up, and staggers back down the street.

ANGLE ON Charlie’s wristwatch, which quickly speeds up.

INT. CAFÉ. DAY

Charlie is completely lost in thought. Customers move around him so fast that their bodies become a blur. As Lizzy takes a seat opposite Charlie time returns to normal.

LIZZY
Have you got a hold of anyone yet?

CHARLIE
No. No, not yet. Fingers crossed though!

LIZZY
How long has it been?

CHARLIE
‘Bout ten minutes.

ANGLE ON The café’s clock, which quickly speeds up.

INT. CAFÉ. CONTINUOUS

Once again Charlie is completely lost in thought. Customers move around him so fast that their bodies become a blur. Lizzy comes into shot carrying a cup of tea and a coffee, time returns to normal.

LIZZY
Still no luck?

CHARLIE
Nope.

LIZZY
Right. Well, I thought this might help.

Lizzy hands Charlie a cup of tea.

LIZZY (CONT’D)
Okay. So, tell me about these hash bars.

CHARLIE
What do you want to know?

ANGLE ON Lizzy’s wristwatch, which quickly speeds up.

INT. CAFÉ. CONTINUOUS

Once more Charlie is completely lost in thought. Customers move around him so fast that their bodies become a blur. Suddenly, Lizzy hits out at the table before recoiling back in pain. Time returns to normal.

LIZZY
(incessantly
crying)
Why did this have to happen?

CHARLIE
Hey, just calm down.

LIZZY
I can’t stand it any longer.

CHARLIE
I’m sure I’ll get through in a minute.

LIZZY
I’m not talking about the man whose coming to fix the f**king door!

CHARLIE
Yeah. I know.

LIZZY
I’m talking about life in general, Charlie. I just feel like everyday is as the same the next. I get up, come to this place - finish, and then I take the bus home before I go back to sleep. Then all of a sudden I’m woken up, not only by the people upstairs arguing but a bunch of drunks outside my window who can’t speak a lick of the Queens f**king English yet begin every sentence with the words, “’ello darling.” Do you know what I’m saying?

Silence. Charlie does not respond.

LIZZY (CONT’D)
[Char...] Charlie?

Background noise.

Lizzy sees Charlie is on the phone. He hasn’t heard a word she has said.

LIZZY (CONT’D)
Charlie!

CHARLIE
(covers receiver)
Sorry. I didn’t actually catch any of that.

Lizzy cries again. Charlie clicks off the receiver and looks back to her.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
Hey, come on. Don’t be like this. It can’t get much worse.

LIZZY
You don’t know that.

CHARLIE
Listen to me. Yeah? Things happen but they’re not as bad as you think, all right?

LIZZY
Perhaps you’re right.

CHARLIE
Of course I am.
(in thought)
Then again I’ve been dumped and kicked out of my accommodation all in one day. So, I’m not so sure anymore.

LIZZY
Oh, crap. Sorry, I completely forgot. If it helps I know someone you could live with.

Charlie laughs, considering.

CHARLIE
Yeah. Who?

Lizzy looks to Charlie. Nothing.

She looks to him again. He looks around. Still, nothing.

LIZZY
Come on.

CHARLIE
(shakes head
in bewilderment)
No, no. Give me a clue.

LIZZY
Me!

CHARLIE
You?

A look of shock comes across Charlie’s face.

There we go. You'll probably get the, "Clerks" and "Pulp Fiction" references.

A lot of time and effort, i'm sure, went into writing the script, but i'm left with a feeling of 'where's the comedy'? Comedy comes from tension and there is no obvious tension here. Frustration, yes. Tension, no.

On the plus side, it's a fair stab at drama!

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