Hi again,
Here's some more of my material.....surely there is somebody who thinks I'm funny!
A mate of mine and I were talking about how our favourite team had performed when my pal remarked that our centre forward had swung wildly at a gilt-edged chance.....I added 'if he was to have drunk several pints of water after a day on the beer he'd have had less of a 'slash'!
I met this girl in a night club whom I asked out on a date.....she seemed very nice but when we met up next she was wearing a rubber dress which had me aghast as I like ladies who don modest attire.....after a few minutes of conversing with her I knew this relationship was going to go nowhere and I was getting the impression she felt the same.....trying to be nice I quipped that because she was wearing this rubber outfit that instead of feeling like I'd like to ride her that she could join myself and a mate of mine so that we could use her as the ball in a game of squash.....needless to say this didn't go down well and we spent another five minutes in each other's company before deciding to go our separate ways!
A friend of mine put a post up on a social networking site in which there was a picture of two eggs covered in a pinky-purple film which looked like a scrotum.....people were posting comments as to how disgusting it looked when I added 'my old head-master in a Gestapo outfit couldn't look more like a 'b*llocks' than they do'!
There was another post put up on this site in which a famous football coach's head was super-imposed on to a picture of a naked man.....now this picture much have been taken during a cold snap as his scrotum looked like it had shrivelled up and was very small.....yet again, people were posting comments when I quipped 'Hey lads, would you look at the size of the sack on this guy.....with 'bags' that size it's a good thing he's the manager of the club and not the kit man, ey?'!
Back during the late Eighties my mates used to slag me because they thought that I resembled a guy who was the lead singer of a band who were big at the time.....now I didn't think I looked like him at all but I used to wear similar shirts to him and style my hair something like his also I suppose but I asked my mam what she thought.....now no surprises my mammy (Lord rest her) thought I was more handsome and remarked that I was probably taller than him too.....I cracked to her 'thanks mam, I am a better dancer than him aswell because when I throw shapes on the dance floor I'm in control of my trouser ferret while he moves like his trouser ferret is in control of him'.....she had to wipe away the tears!
I have to say it makes me feel sad the kind of things football fans chant at each other during games.....any supporter who goes to a match and out of their own freedom to choose chooses to sing abusively at the opposition yet simultaneously labels them 'scum' makes about as much sense as Neanderthal men calling baboons 'the hairy arseh*les'!
There's a bloke I know called Dave Tad.....apparently he has a Glaswegian relative named No Bad Ey Ya Wee Bash who is reasonably impressed by his favourite football team's performances!
There's this bloke that lives close to me who is extremely easy-going.....I'm telling you all now if he was caught up in several poison gas attacks while frequenting his local lap-dancing club he wouldn't be 'laid back' as often!
There's a guy who plays rugby for a club close to my home called Tommy Tannion.....well apparently his brother, Dar, is convinced he's one of The Three Musketeers!
People often say that a satisfied individual is 'as happy as a pig in sh*t' but I frequently wonder if the opposite is being 'as happy as a Muslim being offered a BLT sandwich at the tail end of Ramadan'!
People often say that dogs are man's best friend and while I will not argue with this assertion I have got to tell you that I think the four-legged creatures are trying to tell us that they are prophets too.....the reason being have you not ever noticed that when a canine sh*tes in your front garden they proceed to wipe their paws as opposed to their asses on the grass?.....I'm telling you what this is a case of is them letting us know that they prophesise that somebody is going to step in it soon and this is what we should be doing with our feet when this undoubtedly does occur!
A father passing on schizophrenia to his son.....giving him asthma too.....and having sex with your lady before and after she's shaved her p*ssy.....aw yeah, 'what's in the cat goes into the kitten'!!
It always makes me laugh when I listen to my mates favourite album called 'Sock It To Me Biscuits' as if they were to have named the recording 'Sock It To Me Cream Crackers' by mistake it wouldn't be long before some guy called Francie Furey climbed on to the stage wearing boxing gloves and see to it the lead singer was knocked into tomorrow!
A while back it was reported on the news that a company 'had gone to the wall' after encountering financial difficulties.....now I reflected upon the fact that back in my early twenties I 'had gone to the wall' on several occasions also.....but it was in a lane way on my way home from the boozer so I could un-zip my jeans and have a p*ss up against it that is.....at least it was only the pints I drank that went into 'liquidation' then though as opposed to the firm who had been employing me, right?!
There's this Norwegian bloke I know called Per Tree.....that's not that funny but what is is apparently he has a distant relative living here in Dublin named Turty who was asked what age Jesus Christ died at!
There's an Oriental guy in my local take-away here in Edenmore on the north side of Dublin called Mao Yang.....while speaking with him one day I enquired if his brother, Out The Ying, was asked about how many Chinks there are in Beijing!
I used to go to University College Dublin back in the early Nineties where one of my class-mates was called Abdul Aziz.....apparently he has a brother called Holy Jay who tries to fit in with the rest of us Irish people by taking The Lord's Name in vain with great frequency!
I hope at least some of the above was more to people's tastes although cheers for the honest feedback as that is always appreciated.....even the best known comedians have their critics and some of the negativity is building my character because if I got nothing but plaudits I'd just become spolit!