The Road Crew. Revised opener...

Thank you all for your thoughts last time. Its good to have a place to go that helps you rethink your errors.

Can anyone tell me please if this works any better.

INT. BRIXTON ACADEMY - DAY

FADE IN:

THE STAGE LIES EMPTY APART FROM A DRUM RISER SITTING UPSTAGE CENTRE. RESTING ON TOP OF IT ARE THREE ROADIES DRESSED IN CARGO SHORTS AND DARK T-SHIRTS.

THEY ARE:

SOLOMON (SOLLY) TRIFFORD, WHO LIES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RISER, TWIDDLING HIS TOURCH, LOST IN THOUGHT.

PAUL CONNOLLY SLUMPS ON THE FRONT EDGE, HIS HEAD NEVER LEAVES HIS HANDS

DENNY WILSON SITS ON THE BACK CORNER IN A CAP, ONE FOOT UP ON HIS KNEE PICKING ELECTRICAL TAPE FROM THE SOLE OF HIS BOOT. HE STOPS CHECK HIS WATCH AND HUFFS INDIGNANTLY.

SOLLY
What about "Boob Snooker"?

DENNY
What?

SOLLY
"Boob... Snooker". It's like snooker but with boobs.

PAUL'S VOICE SCRAPES OUT HOARSE AND HUNGOVER.

PAUL
What, instead of cues?

DENNY
Where do they put the chalk?

DENNY GESTURES CHALKING HIS NIPPLES.

SOLLY
Don't be a Peanut, It's normal snooker but they've all got their Bronski Beats out innit.

DENNY
You mean like "Topless Darts"?

PAUL (burps)
Winner.

ALL FALLS SILENT. SOLLY IS DEEP IN THOUGHT. PAUL SPITS ON THE FLOOR. DENNY CHECKS HIS WATCH AGAIN.

DENNY
Where the bloody hell is this truck? Four hours we've been sat here. there's only two hours left till doors, there's no way we're gonna be able to put everything up in time.

NO ONE RESPONDS.

DENNY
Have you phoned him? (pause) Solomon. Have you phoned him?

SOLLY
You watched me phone him. He's not answering.

DENNY (patronising)
Well try him again then. Give me your phone I'll call him,

SOLLY
What are you, a thalidomide? You've got your own phone in your pocket use that.

DENNY REACHES INTO HIS SHORTS, PULLS OUT HIS PHONE AND DIALS.

SOLLY
How about a Sprinkler system for Christian gardeners called "Lettuce Spray"?

DENNY (hangs up)
He's not answering. He's an absolute liability that boy. I don't know why they still use him.

SOLLY
Steve's alright, he's just easily distracted.

DENNY
Easily distracted? he's like a Bluebottle on Ritalin. They should've bashed him in the head with a lump hammer when he was still in the womb.
(sighs)
I'll call him again.

SOLLY
Don't distract him, he'll probably crash. Just leave him alone. He'll get here when he gets here, there's nothing we can do about it.

DENNY (thinks)
I'll phone him again.

DENNY WAITS FOR AN ANSWER.

SOLLY
How about "Take the Clunge"?

DENNY
No!

SOLLY
Hold up, you don't know what it's about yet.

DENNY
The BBC are not going to commission a game show concocted by some prize vagina like you about giving away vagina's as a prize.
(beat)
Especially not nowadays.

Paul
What's "Take the Clunge"?

SOLLY
Well, for five thousand pounds the lucky contestant has to be blindfolded and sat beneath one of those old bench style public toilets. Then, his girlfriend, a supermodel, his mom, and a post op transsexual all sit down inside and...

STEVE ANSWERS HIS PHONE.

DENNY (into phone)
Ah, Steven you simpering quim. You are still alive then? We were begining to hope that you'd been involved in a horrendous traffic accident and were lying bloodied an mangled in a ditch somewhere.
(listens)
I don't care if your cats got aids and decides to take it's own life by setting itself on the fire then runs amok in your living room and sets fire to the curtains burning your house down. There is absolutely no excuse for being four hours late to a load in.
(listens for a moment then hangs up)
His missus has lost the baby. He'll be here in a minute.

THEY FALL SILENT PAUL BURPS SICK IN TO HIS MOUTH, CHEWS A LITTLE THEN SPITS.

SOLLY
How about, "Hassle Hoff"?

DENNY SLUMPS SLIGHTLY BUT IS INTRIGUED.

SOLLY
A hidden camera show wear David Hasselhoff gets slowly bullied over six weeks until he snaps.

PAUL (sitting up)
Winner.

PAUL QUICKLY REGRETS HIS DECISION TO MOVE AND SINKS BACK INTO HIS HANDS WITH A GROAN.

DENNY (shakes his head)
I'm gonna take a stoop.

DENNY EXITS STAGE LEFT.

PAUL
Tell me more about "Take the Clunge".

SOLLY
Well, do you remember, "Gash in the Attic"?

CUT TO:

INT. TOILET CUBICLE - DAY

DENNY ENTERS THE CUBICLE HUFFING AND PUFFING AS HE TUGS HIS SHORTS DOWN TO SIT.

DENNY (mutters then laughs)
"Boob Snooker"?

INT. STAGE - DAY

STEVE'S ENTERS.

SOLLY
You alright Steve mate? Denny told us your missus has lost the baby.

STEVE
Yeah dog it's been 'orrible our Stacey's been flappin' and moanin'. She was in a right state dog I'm tellin' ya.

SOLLY
I'm so sorry man. Is she alright.

STEVE
Yeah, she's alright now. They found him in the Aldi. He was asleep in amongst the biscuits.

PAUL GESTURES TO STEVE WITH HIS EYEBROWS. WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT AND IN ONE FLUID MOVEMENT REACHES INTO HIS COAT POCKET AND MAKES AN EXCHANGE WITH PAUL.

SOLLY (relieved)
Shit a brick. When you said she'd lost him we all thought you meant she 'd miscarried him.

STEVE
Nah, she don't have to dog he's walking now.

SOLLY (sighs)
Lets tip the truck.

STEVE AND SOLLY WALK OUTSIDE TO THE TRUCK.

PAUL WALKS IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.

FADE OUT:

I think you've lost something now. It read as if it's been written by a committee, which is presumably the result of you taking on board the advice of the people here.

Bugger!

Well, I think it's a lot better. There's a plot developing, and he's integrated it with the weird game shows theme. Carry on until you've written the entire episode, then you'll have to rewrite it several times, until things start to fall into place. Well done for taking peoples' advice on board!

I think you need to take on board the "rules" and then be able to apply them without thinking. That takes practise. However, you are obviously capable of writing funny stuff, and I still want to know what happens to these Roadies, so you must be doing something right.

Hi Chad,

Have you written the rest of the episode yet? It might be helpful to write an entire first draft, then go back and re-write, rather than re-writing the one scene over and over before carrying on.

Then you will know exactly what it is your first scene needs to achieve.

Hi Jennie,

The rest of this episode is finished in terms of plot and what will happen in each scene (as is the rest of the series). I haven't finished all the dialogue for it yet.

I know where I want to go within the story, I was just wondering how my opening scene stood up to interrogation and give me an idea wether or not I am on the right track with Comedy/Character/plot etc?

Looks fine to me, given that when you've finished you'll want to rewrite it anyway.

I think the first draft was definitely funnier but, as was said, it didn't have much plot in. I think maybe this has too much 'plot' and it slows the scene down just a little too much. Still funny though.

He'll need to cut loads to get to the final draft anyway, both jokes and plot - that's how it works. I've recently written my first proper sitcom pilot episode, and the amount of material I had to cut to get it down to half an hour was huge.