Feedback please! I might film this...

INT. CHILDS'S BEDROOM. DAY
Lucy, small child, is tucked up in bed. Ben, her dad, sits by her bedside. Ben does the voice of Mr McSnuffy. McSnuffy has a cartoonish, squeaky voice.

Lucyaddy, will you read me a bedtime story?

Ben: I'm sure you're old dad could manage a wee bedtime story for his little princess.

Lucy:I don't want you to read it daddy.

Benh, will I get mummy then?

Lucy:No. I want Mr McSnuffy to read it.

Dad is petrified but hiding it.

Ben:M...Mr McSnuffy he's...he's away on his holidays so I don't
think...

Lucy:No he's not.

Ben:He is. In fact he sent me a postcard saying he's having a lovely time...

Lucy:I saw you bury him.

Ben:What? No, I wouldn't do that!

Lucy:I saw you bury him in the garden, then I saw you cry.

Ben:But... you...you were at Granny's house when...

Lucy:I saw you do it in my dream.

Ben:In your dream?

Lucy: Yes. And in my dream I went outside and dug him up. Then when I woke up he was here.

She pulls McSnuffy (a sock puppet) out from under her pillow.

BenUnder breath) Jesus no.

Lucy:I don't think he's very happy with you. Maybe you should put him on and say sorry.

Ben:Maybe another time.

Thunder outside. Lights flash.

Lucy:I think you better do it now, daddy.

Ben...Ok then.

On the point of tears he puts the sock puppet on.

McSnuffy:I'm back, yaaaaayyy!

Lucy:I missed you Mr McSnuffy!

McSnuffy:I missed you too Lucy!

BenTrying to join in but scared) I missed you as well Mr
McSnuffy.

McSnuffy looks at Ben but doesn't say anything. Ben looks terrified.

MsSnuffy:I know a sweepy girl who wants a bed time story!

Ben:What shall we read, how about Little Red Riding Hood?

McSnuffy:No! Boooo! Let's read something new. How about this?

Picks up a book.

Mcsnuffy:It's the Necronomicon!

Lucy:What's that MrMcSnuffy?

McSnuffy:It the book of the dead, yaaaaayyyy book of the dead,
book of the dead!

Ben:That seems a little grown up....

McSnuffyThreatening) Read it.

He opens the book.

Ben:Um this is an old Argos catalogue.

McSnuffyh, sorry. This is the one.

Gives him the Necronomicon.

BenReading) La trach mo tegri ach opet decgh pla...

Lucy starts shaking and foaming at the mouth. She stands then falls down dead.

Ben:Lucy! What have you done?

McSnuffy:Read!

Ben:No.

McSnuffyLouder) Read!

Ben:Ach frev taxig troll pa neo mortis...

Ben grabs his heart and keels over dead. The Necronomicon falls to the other side of the room.

McSnuffyBen still doing McSnuffy's voice) Ah ha ha. Now to end humanity! Ah ha ha.

McSnuffy, still on Ben's arm, reaches for the Necronimicon but it's too far
away, he strains and stretches

McSnuffy:God dammit (gives up stretching) I did not think this through (He sighs and has a look through the Argos catalogue) Oh. Good price for a lawnmower.

END.

McSnuffy is an old character I created, if you'd like to see him in action on a TV show I had stuff on... http://michaelhugheswriting.tumblr.com/ Look for McSnuffy 1

I quite liked the twisted vibe to this. I think it would benefit from a bit of trimming to keep it snappy and the ending, although good, doesn't quite feel right dialogue wise. If you're filming this, then you're going to have to put the emphasis on the atmosphere. Not going to be cheap, but could be effective.

Haha, I liked this. I didn't know where it was going at first (perhaps need trimming a bit as Ben said) but really liked the dark twist and can imagine a small, squeaky puppet shouting 'It's the Necronomicon' being very funny.

Shades of the League of Gentlemen,Mikey Boy.I don't know if it's in the same league-nae pun intended-as your classic American Tan.I seem to remember a cracking actor on that one who kept on getting more lines.

Been checking out more of your stuff,Mikey.Loved the Scary Nurse videos(went out with one of them years ago) with Joyce Falconer.It shows what you get with a good actor in something as well.Thought the one with the three cups trick was a brilliant and clever idea.Good to see you going from strength to strength with writing,producing and directing.Did you also do the catering?

Thanks for the feedback guys.

Jaicee - I recently had to supply catering for a cameraman who came to shoot one of our sketches. Not sure how much he appreciated Tesco value bitter and stale Monster Munch.

Right upto the point Mr McSnuffy says "I missed you" this is excellent.
The dodgy bedtime story is a classic and you handle it really nicely.
I couldn't work out if mcsnuffy was a puppet or a pet till quite away in which was great.

Problem is your punchline is buried in the middle of the sketch. The rest is much vaguer and disogranised. Some really good ideas, I especially like the idea of mcsnuffy disloutely reading the argos catalogue. But it gets a little lost.

So I'd say end on a punch maybe 3-4 lines after mcsnuffy comes back and then end.

Good idea, works for me - agree it needs tightening up but then at my age everything needs tightening up!

What about (looking at the catalogue) "cor just look at those bed socks..."
Instead of the lawnmower line?

She can stick her foot in me when ever she likes, cwoor