British Comedy Guide

SWYW Reject six

LARA
It's Carl he's having an affair.

DEBBE
Lara we've been through all this before, Carl loves you why would he cheat on you and with who for god's sake? He only goes to work and back?

LARA
What about his Thursday night Zumba class and that red headed whore of a teacher who takes it?"

DEBBIE
Shelly Forshaw! she's got to be twenty years older than him for a start, what in god's name has given you that idea?

LARA
Last week when I came back early from my art class, I saw his car just leaving and I could see a red head in the passenger seat!

DEBBIE
Did you ask him about it?

LARA
No

DEBBIE
Lara there could be a really simple explanation, you should just ask him.

LARA
I don't need to I know he had her in this house!

DEBBIE
Lara you're just letting your imagination run away with you.

LARA
Am I Debbie, am I really? Then how come when I got in the house I could still smell her cheap perfume all over the place?

DEBBIE
That could have been anything! Have you changed your aerosol freshener or plug ins recently? I'm sure there's a rational explanation?"

LARA
Then explain why when I went up the stairs I could see that the bed had been remade but the sheets were still warm.

DEBBIE
It's the height of summer Lara you could hardly expect the sheets to be cold under a duvet in this weather!

LARA
No Debbie I could sense it! Somehow I knew for certain what had gone on.

DEBBIE
Lara you need to take a step back, an accusation like that can cause serious long term damage to the strongest relationship

LARA
The damage has been done Debbie! He has betrayed me and he has done it in the bed we shared!

DEBBIE
Lara speaking as your best friend I have to be honest and say that your suspicions are quite honestly more like coincidences and they're tearing you apart

LARA
I'm no fool Debbie, we have memory foam pillows and mattress I could see their outline.

DEBBIE
That will have been your own shape you silly thing, it can stay all day everyone knows that, that's why they call it memory foam. All you have are conclusions; so far you've told me nothing that can't be reasonably explained

LARA
Oh is that so? Well I still had my art class bag with me so I mixed some plaster of Paris in the bathroom and made a cast from the pillow.

DEBBIEe
You never

LARA
I did and once it dried I took some bristles from the brush in the yard to make the hair and added a touch of make up to the other parts of the mould and look what came to life!

DEBBIE
Oh my God that's Shelly Forshaw head and what's that she's got in her mouth?"

LARA
Exactly!

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