PRICELESS
EMPTY BAR, CUSTOMER and WAITER:
WAITER Greetings fine Sir and welcome to the cheapest bar in the whole wide Stoke! What'll it be - let me see - cuppa tea? - just eighty p.
CUSTOMER Fine, one cup of tea then.
WAITER Jolly good, one pound sixty.
CUSTOMER I'm sorry?
WAITER Gets bally busy this time of day Sir, one must double the prices.
CUSTOMER (looks round) There's no one here.
WAITER No but it pays to be prudent... Anything else?
CUSTOMER No.
WAITER Lovely, that's ten pounds.
CUSTOMER But...
WAITER Our tea menu does include a Jaffa Cake and hot buttered scone, the rights to which you have just forfeited with your last utterance.
CUSTOMER I don't believe this.
WAITER An unbeliever, eh? That's a hundred-pound fine Sir. Is agnosticism that which made this country great? Did we proud Brits win an empire quothing to the little black natives, 'There most certainly is a God, unless you beg to differ, in which case pray do spill the beans, that is if you have beans in this neck o' the woods'?
CUSTOMER You c...
WAITER We don't have a swear box Sir, I'll just jot that on the bill too... So, seated or standing?
CUSTOMER What would you suggest?
WAITER Can't help you Sir.
CUSTOMER Mmmm... Standing?
WAITER Three hundred pounds.
CUSTOMER (shoots down) Okay, sitting.
WAITER Five hundred pounds.
CUSTOMER (leaps up) Standing.
WAITER Eight hundred pounds. Would've been the standard three hundred but by having already placed both buttocks on the bench...
CUSTOMER Right I'm leaving.
WAITER Leaving without consuming eh? That's nine hundred pounds.
CUSTOMER Okay, gimme the tea.
WAITER Leaving AND consuming AND not paying? That's two thousand...
CUSTOMER MANAGER!
WAITER Calling the manager without authorization? That's five...
Enter MANAGER.
MANAGER Oh God, not again Burke. I've told you, we're a respectable restaurant... Sorry Sir what was it?
CUSTOMER Just ONE TEA.
MANAGER Fine. That's eight thousand seven hundred and thirty pounds.
WAITER No chance of a tip Sir?
