Second SWYW Reject

Mike in the Midlands

MIKE
Scottish Accent
Morbid Obesity is a well documented problem; however it is all too often evaluated by the use of graphs and ratios which often fail to display the humanity of the issue. Tonight on 'Mike in the Midlands' we assess how two morbidly obese people view other people's perception of them."
I am at the home of Ken Davis, a forty stone wildlife TV enthusiast who lives with his thirty five stone wife Donna, above a kebab shop in Dudley. Both have been diagnosed by healthcare professionals as being 'Morbidly Obese' a claim they both refute out of hand.

DONNA
Brummie accent
That's right Mike, because we're not!"

MIKE
Donna the reality is that you are four foot eleven and weigh over thirty five stone, yet you refuse to accept that you're morbidly obese?

DONNA
I'm five foot actually Mike and I clearly could do with losing a few pounds but I've never been morbid Mike! If I was morbid why would I get things like that?

MIKE
This is a Christmas card from last year

KEN
Brummie accent/ High Horse Stance

It's a Christmas card from the staff at the kebab shop underneath us that is! I wouldn't mind where they're from they don't even celebrate Christmas but they went to the trouble of sending us a Christmas card, go on read it!

MIKE
It says to Ken and Donna the funniest customers in the world; it's signed Agram & Gupta

KEN
So as you can see there is no way we're morbid, every time we placed order on the phone we would crack jokes with them and everything.

MIKE
You order by phone?

KEN
We used to before we got the bucket; we used to go down personally and pick the stuff up. When we did Donna use to do impressions and everything while we were waiting, we had them in stitches. Donna do Cilla for them!

DONNA
Really poor impression of Cilla Black

I'll have four kebabs, three deep fried chickens chuck and a lorra lorra chips

KEN
You'd think was really was Cilla wouldn't you? It used to crack the lads behind the counter up every time?

MIKE
You said something about a bucket?

KEN
Yeah we use that now as it saves us having to go down. I just drop the bucket out of the bathroom window and they put our order in it. It used to be easier when we used the lounge window as you never missed any telly while you pulled it up. But drunks started swinging on the rope and stuff was going missing from our order. It's a bit of a pain having to go right through to the bathroom to use the back window but it's a lot safer, like I said some of the order was going missing!

MIKE
How often do you order food in this fashion?

KEN
Every night except for Tuesdays that's Pizza night. The lad brings that round and I drop the key to him and he comes up and we tip him. Donna sometimes hides behind the couch and pretends to be a big dog it cracks him up.

DONNA
Starts Barking

Woof Woof Grr grr

KEN
Chuckling to himself
You should see the lads face every time and we always give him two quid tip, it's only fair because we save four quid by ordering on Two For One Tuesdays and we save another three quid because we don't have the salad or any veg on the pizzas!

MIKE
You don't eat salad or vegetables?

KEN
Can't stand the muck

MIKE
Do you eat much fruit?

DONNA
I always have pineapple on my gammon and Ken loves apple doughnuts

MIKE
Do you exercise at all?

KEN
I had a bike once but it got a flat tyre so I never bothered after that?

MIKE
Where's the bike now?

KEN
I wish I knew! Those Choppers sell for a bomb these days on the internet.

MIKE
Ken you are by your own admission your forty stone, surely you can see why you would be classed as being morbidly obese!"

KEN
No I don't Mike, I really don't

MIKE
Ken at the risk of sounding rude there is no escaping the fact that you're fat!

KEN
I know I'm fat Mike no one's disputing that! But I'm not morbid and neither is Donna and that's our point! These modern day quacks want a new name for everything so they're calling perfectly happy fat people morbid and that's wrong that is. Here while we're on the radio I'll get Donna to do the Queen

DONNA
Terrible impersonation of the queen
My husband and I would like to thank.......

MIKE
Voices over Donna's continuing speech in the background

They're you have it, Ken and Donna, a couple who readily accept that they're overweight. But vigorously refuse to be labelled as being morbid.
I'm Michael Moffat and you have been listening to 'Mike in the Midlands'

Sorry, don't get it.

I think again a lot of filler, you could just have him state she is morbidly obese and she can reply "obese maybe but definitely not morbid, you can't be unhappy when you eat as many kebabs as I do" *smiles gleefully, holding up a kebab*

Thanks for the feedback folks, Peter I'm sorry you didn't get it but comedy is subjective so that could be the case.
Julio in relation to it's length I didn't find it to long as it was a sketch rather than a gag.
But both your points are valid and the fact that they were thrown out backs up your views so I could hardly complain.

There are some funny bits in there, but it's too long.
It also has no shape, or ending - reads as if you made it up as you went along.
The trick is to start with the ending and work back.

I can see what you mean Lazzard and I appreciate the feedback.

I think my problem is that this is the type of sketch I want to do and I find amusing.

If I was being honest I am happy with it and no one else is so I am not sure of my next move?

This is my humour and it's the type I love doing but seeing as no one gets it then it looks like I have hit the bottom of my personal barrel.

I think I'll take an extended break from sketch writing and from sitcom writing as well.

I think my best bet is to try and do the first chapter of a book and see what type of feedback that gets.

This is not a strop its just the reality of trying to find a commercial and acceptable format for others.
I would have to say that this competition has been an eye opener for me and I think I need to shut down and retool.

Thanks for the feedback and the reality check as I know what you wote was the truth.

Teddy

Write the book - but don't get hung up on feedback.

The thing with sketches - like screenplays and sit-com scripts - is that they are only half the story - they are just blueprints for others to follow, only coming alive when other people take them on.
So, like it or not, they have to find favour with other people - otherwise they never get off the ground and thus have no purpose.
Sketch writing is not the arena to be ploughing your own furrow if it means nothing gets made - that would be very unsatisfactory.
A novel, however - like a painting or a poem - exists whether anyone else likes it or not.
Those formats are all about you being happy with what you've done.

But I wouldn't be too down on your sketch-writing abilities.
The racist ventriloquist dummy got universal praise.
Why?
Short. To the point. Had a punchline.

Thanks Lazzard you've help me get to grips with what I need to do.

I have my own sense of humour and I want to keep it so I'll have a go at writing the first chapter of a book and I'll put it up and see if it gets good feedback.

If it doesn't but I get solid advice I can change it a tad to make it more comprehensive in its feel but hopefully be able to maintain what I see as funny.

I'll take a full week to write one chapter and get it buffed up to my best and take it from there.

Thanks again for the solid and sober advice Lazzy lad, I feel a tad invigorated!

Everyone knows you are a good writer Teddy. Just sometimes it is laid out poorly.

There are always funny bits within (I laughed at parts of this) You are a prolific and funny writer.
Keep at it through the hits and misses

You want to see me lay out a picnic Stephen, it looks like a bear has f**king attacked it!
Spot on with the observation though and thanks for the vote of confidence on content.

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ June 7 2013, 11:03 AM BST

I'll take a full week to write one chapter and get it buffed up to my best and take it from there.

View original

Get the story in your head first - plot it out, know where you're heading, even if you take a few detours on the way.
And take more than a week on a chapter.
The first stage (and some would say 2nd, 3rd & 4th stages) of editing and critique has to come from the writer BEFORE he sends it out into the wide world.
And that takes time - there's no deadline.

Good luck.

Thanks Lazzard I will clear my decks with some stuff I have yet to do and then get on to it as soon as I can.

What is SWYW?