Job 'n' Knock

"Job 'n' knock" is a comedy series of six episodes that I have written based largely on my own personal experience. It records the hilarious antics of a small decorating/building business as they work and "play" on their various jobs.
Throughout the first series we follow the hapless firm from one disaster to another.... dressing up in clients underwear, wiping out half a towns electric supply, getting in to a fight with an oap in a retirement home and accidently killing a client's peacock! They ply their trade on their, often unfortunate, clients.
Mick Simmons and Glen Morgan are the two partners that own the firm. Mick (the brains of the outfit) has almost as much trouble constantly trying to keep his, somewhat intellectually challenged partner Glen, and his not so bright son Ian on track, as he does his motley crew of workers.

The situations portrayed are my own recollection of events of which most actually happened. ("Only the names and localities have been changed to protect the guilty").

SCENE 1.INT.GLENS VAN.EARLY MORNING
GLEN IS DRIVING, IAN IS SITTING IN THE PASSENGERS SEAT SMOKING A CIGARETTE.

GLEN: Did you get my sandwiches out of the fridge?

IAN: No!

GLEN: Why?

IAN: Cos you didn't ask me to.

GLEN: I said grab the lunches from the fridge when I was letting the dog out for a piss!

IAN: Yeah I got mine.

IAN HOLDS UP HIS LUNCH.

GLEN: But you left mine in the fridge, nice one!

IAN: Mum said she's gonna stop making you lunch anyway

GLEN: Why?

IAN: Cos you never take it with ya.

GLEN: That's cos every time I ask you to get it, you bloody forget!

IAN: Why don't you get them yourself then?!

GLEN: Well I might as f**king well!

IAN: Where we going, to get Ninja?

GLEN: yeah, his vans broken down again!

IAN: Again? That's about the third time this year!

SCENE.2.EXT.OUTSIDE NINJAS HOUSE.EARLY MORNING.

GLEN PULLS UP OUTSIDE NINJAS HOUSE, HE BIBS THE HORN WITH NO CONSIDERATION FOR ANYONE WHO MIGHT STILL BE IN BED.
NINJA COMES OUT OF HIS FRONT DOOR AND ACCIDENTLY KICKS OVER HIS MILK BOTTLES MAKING DOGS BARK IN THE STREET. HE GETS IN THE VAN AND SITS NEXT TO IAN.

SCENE.3.INT.GLENS VAN.EARLY MORNING.

NINJA: Morning boys

GLEN: Alright Ninj?

NINJA PLAYFULLY GRABS IANS PRIVATES.

NINJA: How's it hanging Ian?

IAN: It's alright

GLEN: What's the matter with the van now Ninj?

NINJA: I don't know mate, it conked out in the KFC drive through on Saturday. Luckily id just been served.

GLEN: So what did you do with it?

NINJA: I took it in the restaurant and ate it in there.

GLEN: I meant the van you idiot!

NINJA: Oh, Still at kfc!

GLEN: I'll have to get Alfie to tow it to his garage, where did you leave the key, in the usual place?

NINJA: Yeah on the front wheel driver's side, Alfie knows.

GLEN: Well he should do, it's the third time this year!

IAN: You're a f**king nightmare Ninja, you're always breaking down, and crashing!

NINJA: You can talk. You crashed your motor 2 weeks after passing your test!

IAN: Yeah only cos I was pissed!

NINJA SARCASTICLY POINTS HIS FINGER AT IAN.

NINJA: Well you shouldn't be drinking and driving should ya!

IAN: Dad does!

GLEN: Yeah but I don't crash

NINJA: yeah he's had years of experience at it

NINJA AND GLEN LAUGH.

SCENE.4.EXT.YARD.EARLY MORNING.
GLEN PULLS UP AT THE YARD, THEY ALL GET OUT OF THE VAN AND GLEN UNLOCKS THE OFFICE DOOR.
MICK PULLS IN BEHIND THEM, AS HE GETS OUT OF HIS VAN HE NOTICES THE SKIP IS OVERFLOWING AND RUBBISH IS FALLING ALL OVER THE FLOOR. HE ENTERS THE OFFICE.

MICK: Who's been overloading that skip again? It looks like a shit hole out there.

NINJA PUTS HIS HEAD DOWN LOOKING GUILTY

MICK: What are you doing here Ninj? I thought you were going straight there?

NINJA: Glen picked me up. The van broke down at the weekend.

MICK: What again? F**king hell Ninj, that's about the fifth time this year ain't it?

NINJA: third!

MICK: Yeah whatever it's still gonna cost us again! One day you might make us
money instead of costing us it!

NINJA LAUGHS.

MICK: Did I say something funny?

GLEN: Ian, stick the kettle on

IAN GOES OUT TO THE KITCHEN AREA, A FEW OF THE OTHER WORKERS TURN UP, DON TERRY, AND LEE.

SCENE.6.EXT.YARD.EARLY MORNING.

TERRY AND LEE ARE GETTING RUBBISH OUT OF THERE VAN AND THROWING IT INTO THE ALREADY OVERFLOWING SKIP. DON WALKS INTO THE OFFICE.

GLEN: Alright Don, what time did you leave the club last night?

DON: About 11, I ended up getting on the vodka with Phil. I was f**king mullard when I got out of there. Feel like a pair of pants this morning.

MICK: Why the f**k did you come to work then? You ain't gonna be no good hung over are ya?!

DON: You know me Mick, nice cup of coffee and I'm raring to go, ready to put in a proper days graft.

MICK: You've worked for us for over twenty years Don and you've never done a proper days graft!

IAN ENTERS THE OFFICE WITH THE TEAS, TERRY AND LEE FOLLOW BEHIND HIM PINCHING HIS ARSE.

IAN: Get off you pair of gays!

TERRY: Oi Ninj, I didn't see your van out there, where is it?

MICK: Where do you f**king think!

DON: Bloody hell, again?

DON LAUGHS.

MICK: Did you three get that job finished yesterday?

TERRY: Yeah but you might get a cleaning bill from her!

MICK: Why?

TERRY: One of us walked dog shit up the stairs.

MICK SLAMS HIS PEN DOWN ON HIS DESK.

MICK: For f**k sake, can't you lot do a job without any complaints? Did you clean it up?

LEE: We tried but it wouldn't all come out so she said she was gonna send you a cleaning bill.

TERRY: But In fairness, it was her dog's shit.

MICK LOOKS AT THE TIME

MICK: 7:02 in the morning and already you lot have cost me money! If it ain't that fat tosser blowing up our vans, it's you lot walking shit through customers houses!

DON: What did you think of that porno I lent you Ian?

IAN: Shit! There weren't any women in it.

DON: What, do you need women in your porno's then?

IAN: Yeah, I ain't gonna have a wank over a load of blokes shagging each other
am I!

EVERYBODY LAUGHS.

MICK: I've told you to stop all that wanking Ian, you'll go blind!

IAN: My mum says it's only neutral for a boy my age to be always wanking.

EVERYONE LAUGHS.

MICK: Neutral a? [LAUGHING] Right as much as I'd like to sit here all day and let Ian entertain me.... You lot have got work to do, I'm already out of pocket this morning!

DON: What's the plans for today then boss?

MICK: To make it through the day without any cock-ups if that's possible!

GLEN: Do we know a good plumber?

MICK: Why?

GLEN: We've just got an email come through, someone wants a new bathroom put in.

NINJA: My mate Eeyore's a good plumber.

MICK: Eeyore?

NINJA: Yeah he's all qualified and that, he done my sister in laws bathroom.

LEE: Why do you call him Eeyore, is he slow or something?

NINJA: No he's hung like a donkey, ain't he Glen?

GLEN: Yeah he is, it's a good 11 or 12 inches!

GLEN HOLDS UP HIS HANDS GESTURING THE SIZE OF EEYORE'S PENIS.

MICK: How the f**k do you know?

GLEN: Cos he showed me.

NINJA: He shows everyone.

DON: I bet he f**king does! If I had an 11 inch cock id be whipping it out all day long. But as mines only 10 inches I don't bother!

EVERYONE LAUGHS.

GLEN: I forgot he was a plumber.

MICK: Oh but you didn't forget that he's got an 11 inch cock did ya.

GLEN: It's not the sort of thing you forget easily mate.

NINJA: If he comes down Mick I'll get him to show ya.

MICK: I don't want to f**king see it! As long as he's a good plumber that's
all that matters.

GLEN: Give him a ring Ninj, see if he fancy's the job.

NINJA STARTS TO RING EEYORE.

TERRY: I'm surprised you're willing to use one of Ninja's mates after that wally he recommended to build that wall for ya!

MICK: Oh yeah! Oi Ninj he better not have any leaks!

DON: With a cock that size he's bound to.

EVERYONE LAUGHS.

NINJA: [PHONE CONVERSATION] [SOUNDING LIKE A DONKEY] Eeyore Eeyore......... alright mate it's Ninja, how's it hanging? [LAUGHING] right my boss wants to know if you can fit a bathroom for them...... yeah ok I'll get him to give you a ring and you too can sort out a date for it, and I've got someone here that don't believe your hung like a donkey......... he said why the f**k do you think they call him Eeyore Mick?

MICK: I never said I don't believe it you prick! I said I didn't want to see it.

NINJA: He said when he comes down he will show you Mick and then you can judge it for yourself!

MICK: Tell him if he gets it out in front of me I'll cut it down to 5 inches! You don't know any birds with big tits do ya Ninj?

NINJA HANGS UP THE PHONE.

IAN: I bet he gets a load of birds with a cock like that?

NINJA: Oh yeah he's shagged a lot of birds but none of them can handle his big cock.

DON: You'll never have that trouble Ian cos you've got a baby dick.

EVERYONE LAUGHS BUT IAN.

IAN: F**k off! No I aint.

DON: Leave it out, your cock looks like a baked bean wearing a roll neck.

EVERYONE LAUGHS BUT IAN.

IAN: I bet my cock's bigger than yours, you old codger!

DON: Come on then let's get them out and compare.

DON STANDS UP AND STARTS TO UNDO HIS FLIES.

MICK: Right that's enough, everyone piss off to work!

Hi Tony.

First of all, I think it is great that you are writing a sitcom based on your own personal experience. I think we write best when we write what we know.

Unfortunately, at the moment, I think this is too true to life - it's a group of men bantering. This is probably exactly what life is like at the firm, but it's not a story. There are quite a few characters, and I didn't really get much a sense of their individual personalities (expect for Ninja, who seems a bit thick).

Have you identified the story you want to tell in this episode?

I got to page 3.

Sorry it's amiable joke free ping pong dialogue. The characters are interchangeable if there's a plot I should have a rough idea what it is.
The joke about always forgetting sandwiches and mum stopping making them seems to have some life. If you can pull it out of the rest of the dialogue.

Thanks for your comment.
Each episode is mostly based around where they are working so it follows them throughout the day. What did you think of the sitcom The Royal Family? Did you find that to true to life?

Yes I like the Doyle family

Its funny, currently this is not
I'd study your craft and how sitcoms work

The Royle Family isn't true to life. It's just carefully constructed to make it appear that way. In actual fact, the characters and situations are planned and manipulated to within an inch of their lives.

Characters drive sitcoms. Characters must be exaggerated - David Brent isn't just a bit cringeworthy, he's the most cringeworthy boss in the world.

If I were you, I would start by taking one character - perhaps the boss of the firm. Decide what makes him funny. What personality traits does he have, and how does he rub the other characters up the wrong way? From there, you can construct stories around him, develop his relationship with the other characters.

I see you have written a lot - that's great. I am only just starting to get into that habit. And I think you have a good premise.

Just remember - you know these people. We don't. You have shared these experiences, laughed about them in the pub, reminisced about them months later. We haven't. Good luck with it.

Well that's your opinion Sotty. I will admit that this writing game is all new to me and that I have a lot to learn. I never thought I could write something like this until I watched the Inbetweeners. The Inbetweeners wasn't afraid to cross that line and neither am I. I'm telling it how it was just like Damon Beesley and Ian Morris did. And the Royle family currently is not funny but it did use to be. It has completely changed since the queen of sheba episode.

Its currently no funny because its been off the air for some times has the inbetweeners which I also enjoyed

Nicely youre not going to persuade me to be amused by something I found unamusing

You asked for my opinion andthat's precisely what you got

You can learn to be funny

Thanks Jenny, that's really helpful. It has always worried me that I have too many characters but that's what the firm was and I have tried to keep it as real as it was. Why I mentioned the Royle family was because I feel that every episode didn't really have a plot or a story, it was just them sitting down watching tele. But it worked because people love watching things they can relate to. I think if we would of read the scripts to the Royle family before watching it we wouldn't of give it the time of day. Getting back to mine, once you get in to the story you see that the two bosses have completely different ways of running the firm and that's what makes it good. Thanks.

OK. Tell me about these bosses. How and why do they clash? What is it about their personalities that brings them into conflict with each other?

Tony, you have to have a plot - it's what drives a sitcom. Otherwise it's just pointless banter.

As true in sitcom as in life

Also, try and introduce some variation in the characters: at the moment they're three or four identical macho loudmouths. How about if their boss is a woman, who won't put up with their nonsense? That would give it more interest, and opportunity for conflict. How about if she's just been told by her accountant that the building firm is doing badly, and she has to decide which of the workers to let go? You've got the beginnings of a plot.

The Royle Family was funny because the characters were finely honed. Each one had an agenda. The plot was sometimes thin but it was character driven. You could imagine any scenario and know instantly how each would react.
That is the art of sitcom writing!

This seems to be you writing about what you saw and heard verbatim. Because it seemed funny at the time you automatically thought it would be funny written down exactly as it happened.

There probably is room for a sitcom about incompetent builders so your idea might have legs.
Unfortunately, your script doesn't.

I don't know who anyone is in this excerpt, I don't know what they do, I know nothing about them and I couldn't tell one characters line from another.

Try find some sitcom scripts that have already been broadcast; you can find them on the net and you will see how they are finely crafted.

Hi Tony, first off let me congratulate you on actually putting pen to paper and writing your first script. For what it's worth, your dialogue is believable, (I've worked on a building site before) the characters all feel familiar and there's a definite sense of camaraderie in there, which always helps. Plus I don't think a comedy about a team of inept builders has been done recently, so you're off to a good start. But you've posted the first 4 scenes of your script for critical review, so here are a few quick thoughts for what they're worth.

First, story. You need a story. A beginning, a middle, and an end. (Or as some say, a beginning, a muddle, and an end.) You need to work out what your story is going to be before you write a single line of dialogue. And when you've done that, you must bear in mind that the audience have to know what the general gist of this week's story is in the first couple of pages. At the moment what we have is just people talking in a van about sandwiches. We're also told that Ninja's van has broken down, but that's it. Does the story entail Ninja's van somehow? If it does, we need to know. At the moment, Ninja's van is the only plot element the audience has to cling to and if you don't revisit it later in the script, the audience will be left feeling dissatisfied. If you don't plan to revisit Ninja's van later in the story, don't make a big deal of it in the first couple of scenes.

Next, character. You need to sit down and write down all the interesting things about your characters, and how they interact with one another. Ask yourself, "Is this character funny?" and be honest with yourself. What is it that's funny about him / her? What does he bring? Be brutal. If the character isn't bringing much to the table, rework him or chop him out completely. I'm thinking that what you've done here is literally transplanted people you've actually worked with onto the page. That never works. You can take a real person, but on the page you have to magnify their character traits. Is one miserable? Then make him the most miserable bastard on the planet. Is one lazy? Make him a human sloth. Is one thick? Make him a complete cabbage-head. Your characters ARE your comedy, and the stronger personalities they have, the funnier their stories will be.

Next, jokes. Aim for 3 laughs per page. They can be funny lines, funny reactions, physical comedy, whatever. Rambling, semi-amusing banter isn't enough to sustain an entire episode. You actually do have some funny lines - I liked the baked bean in a roll-neck sweater for instance.

Lastly, just keep writing. Keep practising, watch shitloads of comedy and try to work out why one show is good and another crap.

Hope that helps, other people might disagree with my thoughts, but congratulations anyway for having the balls to throw your script into the bear-pit!

Very best of luck with your writing.