So, the story goes like this...
St John Morris is an eccentric, possibly slightly mad, seventeen year old. After bemusing and irritating his teachers by writing strange letters and stories instead of working, he is asked to leave his school and so begins writing as a form of therapy. However, his letters mutate in to dark, comic-fantasy in which the third and first person often become blurred. Soon St John the writer and St John the protagonist combine to beget a series of comic escapades set within a strange and aberrant world of non-sequiturs, anachronisms, and eccentric characters; Mr Baxter from Grange Hill, a round table death squad who try to devise increasingly outlandish ways for people to die, and a pet lime called Ranjit.
Here's one of the Bizarre Letters...
The Rt Hon Sir Brigham Slop, QC.
24, Onslow Avenue
Leeds
West Yorkshire
Dear The Rt Hon Sir Brigham Slop, QC.
I have live in a spice rack underneath the U-bend in Reece Dinsdale's downstairs toilet. I collect fine art, corks from vintage Beaujolais and I fashion brooches from the defecation which I sieve from the stinking waterway which surrounds my subterranean home. Through a combination of infection and lack of light, I am almost blind and spend much of my days in a smoking jacket, howling and listening to Stravinsky. My other hobbies include spitting at passing cyclists and playing postal chess with a beetroot from The Hague. My only form of communication with the world above is by tapping out the lyrics to pop songs on the pipes which run across the roof of my home. Reece ignores them but often they are heard by a homosexual spiritual called Kesting Portmanter.
Kesting is widely regarded as a charlatan and, subsequent to the publication of a damning article in The Mail on Sunday, disgruntled stockbrokers daub faeces over his front door. They also write things on his house. He came outside one Sunday morning and someone had written "You've been bummed", on his exterior wall. Kesting is actually a gifted psychic who is able to communicate with alien life-forms and Mike Polaris, the former world champion pedalo racer and voice of Suzie from the Trio advert, who is now living under an apple core in Plymouth (Mike, that is, not Suzie).
Kesting is often heard to complain that he cannot communicate with the gods or the dead. This frustrates him because he thinks that a prerequisite of being a spiritualist is that one should be able to converse with the aforementioned groups. This constant yearning for a deific bond can lead him incorrectly to ascribe the communications he receives. For example, he once said that a message which read 'we are coming to investigate your manufacturing processes' came from Roy castle. Sometimes, though, he does hear "voices", from God and other omnipotent entities, but they get on his nerves, so he tells them to f**k off.
Not sure why I'm telling you this. I just thought you should know.
Yours sincerely
St John Morris