Skit Comp 29.5 - 6.6.13

Thanks for contributing and congratulations to OTTERFOX and GAPPY for winning. Please celebrate and PM me for the next topic.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Otterfox, Gappy
Special mention: Michael Monkhouse

Your new subject is COMMUNICATION.

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 6.6.13

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Votes - Name
1 - 15 - Gappy
2 - 10 - Otterfox, Michael Monkhouse

A STAR IS PORN

NAKED NEWSREADER: David Cameron has announced radical plans to block Internet pornography, violence and other websites unsuitable for adults.
Children logging on will be asked whether there are parents in the house. If there are, kids will be prompted to tailor their Internet filters. The technology will also show children how to restrict access to social media sites and narrow the number of sites adults can visit.
Filters against the most obvious threats - such as grown-up pornography and self-harm sites - remain on if children repeatedly click OK to get through the filter set-up quickly. Providers must also verify the person setting the controls is underage, so adults cannot set up the filters.
Cameron insists, "We need a sophisticated system to let minors tailor exactly what their parents can see. This is what adult safety experts recommend...Every sprog will be prompted to protect their parents online, so Britain will have the most robust Internet grown-ups protection of any country in the world."
The PM has appointed little Tommy Binns - "a passionate campaigner for Internet safety and son of two" - as his adviser on preventing the sexualisation and commercialisation of adulthood:
"All this comes back to something really important: adulthood untainted by the worries and complexities of being a kid... These should be distinct and precious years, full of security and love. From one dickhead to another, I pledge to do whatever I can to preserve that innocence and protect our adults. Nothing matters more."

You can read about the measures on Cameron's Twitter feed, and all over the Net.

[Cheap mid-60s spy/SF TV show ambience. SPY sneaks round a corner of an unrealistic, silvery "base", and hides in the shadows. He gets out a clunky CB affair, and speaks into it]

SPY: Bar-tailed godwit calling mother nest. Bar-tailed godwit calling mother nest.

HQ: [Heard on the CB, obviously. Or maybe it's a cheap split screen effect, showing HQ at their radio set] Come in, godwit. Report.

SPY: Everything is going to plan.

HQ: Right.

SPY: Yes, everything is going to plan. I'm in enemy HQ, and I'm awaiting nightfall. I just hope they don't find me.

HQ: [Beat] Is that it?

SPY: What do you mean? I thought you'd be pleased. Everything's going to plan.

HQ: You don't have to tell me that.

SPY: But it's good news!

HQ: It's not news. Nothing's happened.

SPY: No news is good news.

HQ: What does that mean, for Christ's sake?

SPY: It means...it's good that everything's going to plan. That's news. Make a note of it.

HQ: I shall. I'll make a note of it along with the notes I made the last 7 times you called in to tell me that the plan was working.

SPY: Proves it's a good plan.

HQ: Shut up! Every time you radio me with meaningless plan adherence data you increase the chance of the enemy intercepting us. You might as well mention that we plan on kidnapping the emir's wife.

SPY: [Loud and exasperated] Oh, what! At least I never said that. I just said everything was going to plan, I never describwed every detail.

HQ: Yes, alright, keep your voice down, idiot.

SPY: Why? You're the clown who just said we're going to kidnap the emir's wife.

HQ: Yes, but I said it quietly, you're shouting your head off.

SPY: Oh, well, that just proves that intercepting the radio wasn't very likely, doesn't it, Steve?

HQ: [Loud] Don't call me Steve!

SPY: [Loud] Oh, what, should I call you Mr Henderson?

HQ: [Loud] No, for Christ's sake, keep the details to yourself! I don't want them to find out who I am, or that my boat is moored 3 miles off the east coast of the island, do I?

SPY: [Shouting] Well, I'll tell you what, Steve Henderson, I'm going to kidnap the wife, grab the files, plant the bomb with the cancellation code 4617 and then come back to you on your ship, The Tantalus at longtitude 18.34, latitude 18.17 and show you who's a good spy who knows how to keep things going to the bloody plan!!

[Footsteps off]

SPY: [Whisper] Someone's coming.

HQ: [Whisper] Shut up, then.

SPY: [Stage whisper] No, you shut up, Steve!

[Enter big clumsy GUARD, who stops inches from SPY]

GUARD: [Into radio] Boss? I heard some shouting about bombs and grid references, but I think it was probably cats.

BOSS: [Through GUARD's radio] I suspect you're right, I can't see any reason to check that theory. Have you patrolled the big secrets room?

GUARD: I have. I'm not sure if Geoff's on duty tonight, but he said he'd lost his keys, so I left it unlocked. I'm heading back to the surveillance room now - there's a baseball match I want to watch whilst looking at Playboy centrefolds.

BOSS: [Over radio] That's great work, Brannigan! You're the best guard this secret base has ever had.

GUARD: [Walking away] Ah, shucks, boss.

[SPY suddenly sneezes violently]

GUARD: [Automatically, over his shoulder] Bless you, puss

STANLEY: Hello I'm Stanley the expert in animal communications.

PATRICIA: Hi Stanley I'm Patricia Henderson. We talked together in the telephone about my dog Lord Woggalog who is not his usually happy self anymore

STANLEY: Yes can I see him?

PATRICIA: LORD WOGGALOG COME TO MUMMY.

[A yellow dog slowly walks into the room until it stands before the two persons where it looks at them with an emotionless expression on its face.]

STANLEY: This is very interesting Lord Woggalog tells me that he, as an existentialist and dog find it difficult to assume the responsibilities that his existence instructs him. The only way his life can come to make sense is to make the right individual choices. But he does not feel this is possible, therefore, he experiences an anxiety from implicit meaninglessness of it all.

PATRICA: What does that mean?

STANLEY: He caught the Friedrich Nietzsche-syndrome. He is now a Nihilist.

PATRICIA: What on earth do we do about that?

STANLEY: I have a toy that makes a noise when you squeeze it. It might work.

PATRICIA: Please try.

[Stanley throws the toy and the dog stares at it for a while then runs exited to the toy and plays with it.]

STANLEY: Phew that was a close call.

PATRICIA: So he's cured now?

STANLEY: Yes we got lucky this time.

RON IS IN A MONITORING STATION TRACKING VARIOUS GRAPHS AND CHARTS ON A NUMBER OF SCREENS. HE LOOKS AT ONE PARTICULAR SCREEN, TAKES A DOUBLE-TAKE AND GAZES WIDE-EYED AT THE SCREEN.

RON: (INNER MONOLOGUE)
Oh Christ! It's heading straight for earth! I've got to get a message to the chief, this needs to be escalated immediately!

REMAINING SEATED HE GLIDES QUICKLY OVER TO A LAPTOP ON A NEARBY DESK. HE WHIPS IT OUT AND BEGINS TYPING AN EMAIL TO THE CHIEF.

HE ATTEMPTS TO SEND IT BUT KEEPS GETTING A 'FAILED' MESSAGE.

RON: (INNER MONOLOGUE)
Damn it! How can I contact him? I'll try tweeting him....failed again! What am I supposed to do now?....Wait I must have his number here somewhere...

HE STARTS SEARCHING THROUGH RANDOM SHEETS OF PAPER AND BOOKS ON VARIOUS DESKS.

RON: (INNER MONOLOGUE)
Ah-ha!....Here it is, I'll text him...Message failed...for the love of flip! Looks like I'll have to do this the old fashioned way.

RON DIALS THE NUMBER BUT GETS AN AUTOMATED MESSAGE:

MESSAGE:
'WE WERE UNABLE TO CONNECT YOU DUE TO ONE OF THE FOLLOWING REASONS. PLEASE SELECT THE APPROPRIATE NUMBER: 1. YOU ARE RINGING FROM A SEWER PIPE ; 2. YOU WORE GARDENING GLOVES WHILST DIALING THE NUMBER ; 3. YOUR SIDEBURN HAS GOT TANGLED IN THE PHONE.......

FADE IN AND OUT.

MESSAGE: (CNTD)
27. THE YEAR FROM WHICH YOU ARE CALLING HAS NOT YET INVENTED THE TECHNOLOGY NECESSARY TO MAKE THIS CALL; 28. AN ASTEROID IS HEADING FOR EARTH.

RON HASTILY PRESSES 2-8.

MESSAGE:
Congratulations, there is an asteroid heading for earth. We are delighted to be of service. Goodbye.

RON RUSHES AROUND THE ROOM ANXIOUSLY TRYING TO COME UP WITH ANOTHER WAY OF CONTACTING THE CHIEF. AFTER A FEW SECONDS HE STOPS ABRUPTLY, OPENS A DOOR AND WALKS THROUGH.

WE SEE A MAN SITTING AT A DESK. ON THE DESK WE SEE A NAME PLATE WHICH SAYS 'THE CHIEF'.

CHIEF:
Ah Ron, finally. We've never actually spoken face to face. How can I help you?

RON OPENS HIS MOUTH TO SPEAK BUT HE MAKES A BIRD TWITTERING SOUND. HE CLEARS HIS THROAT AND TRIES AGAIN. THIS TIME HE MAKES THE SOUND OF SKITTLES FALLING ON A TILED FLOOR.

CHIEF:
Good God, its finally happened. Such is your use of modern technology that you have forgotten how to communicate vocally.

CHIEF: (HELPING RON ALONG)
Now annunciate. Think of what you're trying to say and let it flow.

RON:
Aaaa

CHIEF;
Very good, the first letter of the alphabet.

THE CHIEF THEN NOTICES THE ANXIOUS LOOK IN HIS EYES.

CHIEF:
What is it boy?

RON MAKES DOG WHIMPERING SOUNDS.

CHIEF:
Have another go.

RON:
Aaa as...a

CHIEF:
Asa: The Boy with the Magic Shin?...No?

RON:
As as sss.

CHIEF:
As? As such and as such to the such?

RON:
Ast. Ast.

CHIEF: (REALISATION)
Ooooh I know now; An astral badger.

RON: (FRUSTRATED)(ANGRY)
Astatat!!

CHIEF:
Hey, hey, hey, don't get angry with me. You're the one who can't say it!.....Wait, ast, ast....you don't mean an asteroi-

HUGE EXPLOSION.

END.

Foxy.

All good this week, but I vote for Jakob, for quite a neat swipe at the concept of pet psychologists.

They were all nice this week but for a lovely idea with some great lines including 'son of two', its Mikey Monkhouse for me.

Yes, "son of two" was my favourite bit, too.

Funny ones this week.

My vote goes to Monkhouse.