THE OFFICES OF A HOLLYWOOD MOVIE PRODUCER
Producer:
... Well guys, I've read script and what can I say... I didn’t think you could top Death Killer 3: Triple Cripple but you've done it again. It's another Samson Brother’s masterpiece.
Don:
Thanks, man. We sweated over this son of a bitch.
Producer:
It shows. It really does. What about casting? Who did you see in the lead role?
Jerry:
You know, it's funny you should bring that up because we were watching a movie on TV the other night and we saw this guy...
Don:
Yeah, he had this face... just the perfect face, you know? What was his name again?
Jerry:
Frank… Frank something?
Don:
Frank Stein? Something like that?
Jerry:
Might have been Fred..
Don:
Fred... Astaire! That's the dude - Fred Astaire!
THE PRODUCER LAUGHS
Producer:
You guys are jerkin' my chain, right? Fred Astaire?
Don:
Man, we thought the same thing. We were watching the movie and we were like, who IS this guy?
Jerry:
He was doing this fruity little dance thing which kinda sucked, but the guy just had this incredible face.
Producer:
(Beat) Yeah, Fred Astaire had a nice a face, but...
Don:
Plus, hire an unknown… save a few nickels for the car chase through the zoo, right?
DON AND JERRY HIGH FIVE EACH OTHER
Producer:
Guys, I think hiring Fred for this picture might be a little tricky.
Jerry:
What is he? One of the artsy guys? Doesn't do mainstream?
Producer:
Fred doesn't do much of anything anymore. He's kind of dead.
Don:
Dead? You mean career-wise?
Jerry:
Cool, We can probably get him to work for scale...
Producer:
No, I mean he's actually really dead. In the literal... mortal sense?
Don:
Frank's dead?
Producer:
Yeah... gone to that big old tap shoe in the sky, I'm afraid.
Don:
But we were just watching him on TV... when did this happen?
Producer:
Oh, about twenty years ago.
Don:
Oh man…
PAUSE
Jerry:
Drugs, yeah? I knew it! I knew he was on something - nobody dances about like that unless they're, like, really high! Didn't I say? Didn’t I say he looked pale?
Don:
Yeah, man, you said he looked grey - like drained of colour.
Producer:
Was the movie black and white by any chance?
Don:
Umm...
Producer:
Anyway, now we've established that it's unlikely Fred Astaire will be joining us on this project - any alternatives?
Don:
Woah! Just a second, man. We're still coming to temrs with Frank dying.
Producer:
Of course take your time.
PAUSE
Jerry:
Well, there was that other dude.
Don:
Oh yeah the short guy.
Producer:
Short Guy? Devito?
Don:
No man, shorter than that. He was in a movie a few years back... then nothing?
Jerry:
Short... pink guy.
Don:
With a snout. Works on a farm.
Producer:
Babe. This is Babe isn't it? That was a f**king pig!
Don:
Sure he was no pretty boy...
Jerry:
But if we wanted Bob Pitt we'd hire Bob Pitt, right...
END
