I just meant it is a good excuse to go to the pub! 
Legal Privilege - Sitcom Script Page 15
Quote: Marc P @ August 29 2013, 11:16 AM BSTI just meant it is a good excuse to go to the pub!
You're supposed to have an excuse to go to the pub?
Boy is my face red.
Not so much an excuse as a defence prepared I guess.
Quote: Jennie @ August 29 2013, 11:14 AM BSTBut can one listen on a forum? Is it really possible to observe the minutiae of human behaviour from an Internet website? People choose to present themselves in a certain way, often very different to their real life persona.
I like listening. I'm trying to improve my dialogue by sitting in my favourite cafe and eavesdropping on conversations. I then make two columns, one entitled 'what is said' and the other entitled 'what is meant'. For example, someone might say 'where did you get your dress from?' But what they mean is 'I like that dress and might want to buy it myself.'
I know sitting around writing down conversations sounds creepy, but I've found it quite useful.
I imagine it is helpful if you use it as you do Soots. I love Critique, I love Writer's Discussion and learn a lot from them. It's General Discussion that's my nemesis
Ah now that's where the true gold is to be found. If someone puts in something ridiculously sexist and you either flame broil them, or slice them to bits with scalpel sharp wit. Then step back look at it and give that speech to one of your characters.
Often when you're not trying to be funny, is when you're at your funniest.
Quote: Jennie @ August 29 2013, 11:14 AM BSTBut can one listen on a forum? Is it really possible to observe the minutiae of human behaviour from an Internet website? People choose to present themselves in a certain way, often very different to their real life persona.
Well precisely, the internet persona like the sitcom character is all aritifice. It's why my favourite writing is probably those insulting little skits I'm sometimes write.
Real people are a bit dull, but it's created fantasy self that's a rainbow winged peacock.
Quote: Marc P @ August 29 2013, 11:16 AM BSTI just meant it is a good excuse to go to the pub!
The autobiography of MarcP available, on kindle, vellum or in person if you head down to the scrofulous lobster in Norfolk and buy him a couple of pints and some chasers and a bottle of sherry for the walk home.
Sherry is always ver welcome. Good stuff mind, none of your Harveys Bristol Cream malarkey!
I mean to give an example; Bill Will's online persona is one I've been taking the Micheal for ages. It's because the character of this ever green fellow, who's older than most of us, but still youthful and fun. He's incredibly intelligent and knowledgable and seems to have done aboslutely everything atleast once.
So just exagerating it to make him immortal and a little super human and your set.
Or MarcP who combines a mixture of erudition, class and an apparent occaisonal taste for too much of the very best sauce. Whilst being easily one of the most succesful writers on this site.
It's easy to repaint him as a sort of cross between Ollie Reed, Bertie Wooster and Mike Hammer.
Then of course there's Our Will Cam, a lovely bloke whose occaisonal inverted snobbery and cheeky, faux chauvinism. Has made him my true muse.
All inspiration and ideas for one of my scripts I hope to one day get produced.
Quote: Marc P @ August 29 2013, 11:36 AM BSTSherry is always ver welcome. Good stuff mind, none of your Harveys Bristol Cream malarkey!
I have had a Crofts Original habit due to neglectful parenting from a very young age
They decided that the best way to put me off hanging out on a street corner with a bottle of White Lightening was to ply me with sherry.
That is interesting Sooty - I suppose I don't really know everyone's online persona well enough to draw those conclusions.
Well that's what life and writings about innit.
Buses are great for observing life.
Quote: Jennie @ September 3 2013, 10:48 PM BST
No. I have had capital punishment privileges taken away from me until I can learn how to use them responsibly.
This is not intended to offend but I realise it might. So sorry in advance!
Jennie I find some of your posts funnier than I found your sitcom - is this in your sitcom? If not why not? There is a funny edge to your postings that might come from simple speed of reply (not over thinking an idea) or because it is a response to another post that challenges you to top someone else. Either way I think you are capable of much more.
Quote: playfull @ September 4 2013, 12:23 AM BSTThis is not intended to offend but I realise it might. So sorry in advance!
Jennie I find some of your posts funnier than I found your sitcom - is this in your sitcom? If not why not? There is a funny edge to your postings that might come from simple speed of reply (not over thinking an idea) or because it is a response to another post that challenges you to top someone else. Either way I think you are capable of much more.
Ahh, I could never be offended by the Nottingham boy 
I am interested by what you say, and you are probably right, although I have not thought about it that way before.
The truth is that this is the first thing I have written creatively since school. I hadn't so much as a one liner before this. I was taught that "boys don't fancy the funny girls" and hid away from my desire to write funny stuff.
So the "not-greatness" of this attempt is probably more attributable to my inexperience than anything else. As a first attempt, I'm reasonably pleased with it. It's not brilliant, but nor is it terrible.
I finished this draft in March. Since then, I have had a long hard think about the kind of comedy I want to write. There is a lot of enforced wackiness here. I think it was Teddy who used a word very early in this thread that struck a chord with me - self-conscious. It is very self-conscious. I'm the girl getting blind drunk at the party and belly dancing to One Direction because I don't want anyone to see how boring I am underneath.
I realised I didn't want to write that type of slapstick comedy. My true style comes out in places here - "all the grace of a intoxicated hippo on the spinning teacups" "culling cyclists is a public service" "I'd rather make dim sum from my own scrotum" "aren't you supposed to be at the bottom of the canal" but there isn't enough of it.
John Finnemore did a piece on writing where he said "that bit you gloss over? No it's not good enough and no it won't do." I glossed over too much here.So it has gone through a major re-write.
I re-wrote this episode by visualising it in my head. I love to tell stories. I found by going through it in my head, I found ideas that better reflected what I was trying to do.
I think (hope) the re-write is better. (Should be re-writes really, I have done so many). But, there is always work to do and it can always be improved.
Anyway, sorry for rambling. It's clearly past my bedtime! 
Quote: playfull @ September 4 2013, 12:23 AM BSTEither way I think you are capable of much more.
That is always nice to hear.
That's a very healthy place to be in, you have to do a lot of dumping before you're in the position to start refining. So if you're moving on with a complete new redraft that can only be a good thing.
One thing though focussing on clever, funny lines is a good idea. I'd almost suggest treating it like gag writing and just fill word files with the buggers.
But there's few sitcoms that get away with just genius lines and settings. You need to still really rip those characters to bits, until you know exactly what makes them tick.
Also force yourself out of your comfort zone. So take the same characters and have them running a sweet shop or manning a moon base.
If the characters and relationships are strong, setting is pretty much an irrelevance.
Quote: playfull @ September 4 2013, 12:23 AM BSTEither way I think you are capable of much more.
Does that chat up line ever work?
I can also see what Playful means, your online persona is quite strong, confident and witty. Nothing like the character you wrote at all, who's a ditz and a nuisance to the point the Dali Llama would kick her arse.
Quote: sootyj @ September 4 2013, 3:23 PM BSTDoes that chat up line ever work?
No, but I did have a friend once who used to go up to girls and say "I can tell you are a Virgo" to which he would get the response "That's amazing! How did you know" Of course he had to ask a lot of girls before he found one, but the response was always the same.
Quote: playfull @ September 4 2013, 3:28 PM BST"I can tell you are John Virgo" a lot of girls before he found him but the response was always the same.
I'm not sure its worth even if it works.
Quote: sootyj @ September 4 2013, 3:23 PM BSTI can also see what Playful means, your online persona is quite strong, confident and witty. Nothing like the character you wrote at all, who's a ditz and a nuisance to the point the Dali Llama would kick her arse.
Thanks for your views, Soots. I am not particularly bothered that the character isn't like me (I am not trying to write myself). However, I was concerned that she was a bit of a wet weekend. She is now much more proactive.
You are right on knowing the characters as well as possible. I think they are much clearer in my mind now. We will see how it goes.
I think this thread is already full of my self-indulgent rantings.
Two points (for what it's worth) I think this is ripe for radio. The tea lady is brilliant. I'd cut the first bit and start with her. You may have to re-jig a little but worth it.