More Money

MAN
"Hello is this Wingo Early Pay Pay Loans?

WOMAN
"That's correct, are you applying for a loan today sir?"

MAN
"NO I AM NOT! I have a letter here claiming I owe you £55,000!"

WOMAN
"Can I have the reference number please sir?

MAN
"ANT 0974!"

WOMAN
"That's the Anticipated Loan Department please hold the line"

HOLDING MUSIC: The Windmills of your mind

WOMAN
"Hello Anticipated Loans collection line"

MAN
"Never f**king mind Collection Line I've got a letter here claiming I owe you f**king telephone numbers, what the f**ks going on!"

WOMAN
"First of I must ask you to moderate your language please, these calls are all recorded"

MAN
"Who are you sending the tapes to Harry F**king Hill!"

WOMAN
"If you swear again sir I will be forced to end this call, now can I have your reference number please"

MAN
"ANT 0974"

WOMAN
"Can I have your password please for Data Protection"

MAN
"I haven't got a password; I never took this loan out!"

WOMAN
"Are you Gordon Duff of Wolverhampton Road?"

MAN
"Yes I am"

WOMAN
"You took your first loan out with us last year"

MAN
"Never mind first loan, it was my only loan and it was for £200 and I paid £300 back the next day as agreed!"

WOMAN
"Sorry sir but when you applied you also agreed to our Terms & Conditions and inside that it clearly states we can lend you money if we think you need it."

MAN
"What? The Terms & Conditions was twelve f**king pages long and the font was in an 8 I could hardly see it "

WOMAN
"Well it's there and as it states everything clearly As such it was deemed that your required another loan so we lent you £45000 yesterday and reclaimed it today by direct debit"

MAN
"You lent me what yesterday?"

WOMAN
"£45000 sir"

MAN
"What time was that? I only had three quid in my account when I checked it on my way home from work"

WOMAN
"We paid in at 11.59pm and it was a 00.01am repayment"

MAN
"So you put money in my account for two minutes and then took it back"

WOMAN
"That's correct sir"

MAN
"So you have the money back, what's the bloody problem? Anyway how the f**k have I already got a red letter"

WOMAN
"If you can moderate your language I'll explain sir,"

MAN
"Go on then I really need to hear this"

WOMAN
"Well sir when you agreed to our Terms & Conditions you failed to opt out of both the Anticipated Loan option and the Rapid Repayment option. As such your loan was anticipated and dispatched it was then subject to rapid repayment so we were also able to send the demand letter prior to the loan. However due to the partial repayment the overall figure obviously needs reducing"

MAN
"Reducing to what you lent me £45000 in the middle of the night without telling me and then take it back, how can I owe you anything"

WOMAN
"As we were only able to recover the loan and were unable to collect the interest the debt currently stands at £18,500, sorry we recovered an additional £3 so you only owe £18,497"

MAN
"You've took my last three quid are you smoking smack? You lend me money when I'm in bed and unaware of the loan, take it back and still want interest, well you can f**king swivel I'd rather see you in court"

WOMAN
"That's fine sir we anticipated that you're in Court 6 of Wolverhampton magistrates in twenty minutes sir!"

Did this actually happen to you Teddy??

I liked the exaggeration of the payday loans scenario, and you nailed the absurdity of the crazy terms and conditions. Could have been shorter, maybe blend some lines as it sort of repeats itself along the way.

No I just saw an advert on telly this morning and it got me thinking.
Shan I thoroughly agree it needs shortening etc but as it is going nowhere I couldn't be arsed dressing it up, I get that way at times. I nedd to buck my ideas up.

But the ideas keep coming Teddy so you got to get them written and you seem to be able to put a decent sketch together...have you thought of doing topical stuff? then you would have a couple of shows that you could readily send them to.

Thanks for the upbeat approach Shan but I have never done topical as you are working from the same box of Lego as everyone else and only ever end up with something that's like something else if you know what I mean. I like to go off on tangents.

Not necessarily Teddy, whatever you write will have your stamp on it, it's just coming from the same/similar source as others. And you get paid sometimes too

Ah the elusive Money, Shan I have said a thousand times the only way I will make money from comedy is if I kidnap Micheal McIntyres kids!
Thats why I blow so hot and cold with it, if I knew I was being paid and more importantly despite being absolutely skint if I knew what I was writing was to be produced then I would shine them up so much that you would need f**king sunglasses to read them.

Oh and there would be no swearing either!

Elusive is the right word but you can make a 'little' bit from the topical stuff, I have and it's a really good feeling knowing something that came out of your imagination is worth something to someone. Go for it Teddy, try Newsrevue or the Treason Show, what have you got to lose?

It's a good idea, but as Shandonbelle says, it could be much, much shorter.

I could take the vowels out.

Shan whats the Treason Show?

Teddy it was good.

I like the Harry Hill bit and the swearing.
Without the swearing they would be no sketch Is what I think.

Thank f**k for that David.

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ May 25 2013, 2:52 PM BST

Shan whats the Treason Show?

View original

http://www.treasonshow.co.uk/home.shtml

There's also some threads on it on here.. https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/4985/9/

I like it, but personally the the swearing is unnessecary, or at the very least vary it beyond just the f word.

Agree with others, it needs to be shorter and tighter, but its a good concept, and the ending is good, though the punchline needs a comma or full stop after the word "that".

I also liked the idea of him getting the red letter on the day after he was loaned money and also the fact they stole his last 3 quid. Good work.