Hi all,
The show what you wrote didn't have any space for horror sketches in the end, so I thought I'd put mine up for your review:
GRAM: TENSE BACKGROUND MUSIC
DOCTOR: And how many of them were there?
PATIENT: (CRYING) about six of them.
DOCTOR: And they attacked you and your boyfriend?
PATIENT: He's dead isn't he?
DOCTOR: Try to focus on yourself. Now, did the zombies bite you as well?
PATIENT: I...I....I can't remember.....
DOCTOR: Think! It's really important! Did any of the zombies get you!
PATIENT: I don't know!
DOCTOR: (RAISES VOICE) We need to know, have you been bitten? Did they zombies get you? DID THEY?!
FX: CURTAIN BEING PULLED BACK
MUSIC STOPS
MATRON: Doctor Smith, could I have a word please?
DOCTOR: What is it, I'm with a patient, who are you?
MATRON: I'm Sue Leslie, divisional matron for accident and emergency, I just heard you use the word zombie to a patient...
DOCTOR: Well we are in the midst of zombie invasion, yes.
MATRON: It's just that...the thing is....I'm sure you mean well but...
DOCTOR: But what?
MATRON: You shouldn't really refer to them as zombies.
DOCTOR: What?! But why?
MATRON: Well we've had some complaints. Some people find the term zombie to be....offensive....
DOCTOR: Who's complaining? The zombies? They can't complain they're dead, they can't hear!
MATRON: And it's that sort of negative attitude towards them that creates tension in the community!
DOCTOR: Tension?! They've just eaten that poor girls boyfriend!
PATIENT: They have? (CRIES LOUDER)
DOCTOR: So what are we supposed to call them? The undead?
MATRON: No, that's offensive too.
DOCTOR: To who?!
MATRON: Well, to the living actually, we are un-dead after all!
DOCTORS: So what are we meant to call them? Mortuary service users?
MATRON: No, that would be silly. They all escaped from the mortuary. The trust had a cross party consultation involving many members of the multi disciplinary healthcare teams, members of the public, the patients, the patients relatives, the patients relatives' friend who once drove past a hospital, and of course a highly paid PR company who would only turn up at a cost of £40,000. Per day.
DOCTOR: Per day?
MATRON: It took 6 days to come up with it.
DOCTOR: Two hundred and forty thousand pounds to rename some zombies?! So what did they come up with?
MATRON: Re-animated clients, Doctor, not zombies!
DOCTOR: Re-animated clients. You mean like the one behind you.
MATRON: Sorry?
PATIENT: (IN A ZOMBIE VOICE) Brains!
FX: Squelching sound of being eaten
MATRON: Arghhhhh!
DOCTOR: I think she preferred being called a zombie, matron.
END
