Skit Comp 18 - 25.5.13

As my pet dog says, thanks for entering. And congratulations to ME for winning. I shall celebrate and PM myself for the next topic. Of course I won't, I'm just japing.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Michael Monkhouse
1 - 5 - Gappy

Your new subject is NEIGHBOURS (suggested by Funny Johnny).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 25.5.13

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Votes - Name
1 - 10 - Michael Monkhouse
2 - 5 - Gappy

1: Hey, I totally love your new flat, man, it's straight edgy.

2: Yeah, it's, like a really up and coming area, loads of really cool studios and creative work being done

3: But it's still kind of working class and dangerous, isn't it?

2: Oh, yeah, of course. Working class and dangerous, yeah. Saw some guy totally drop his litter last week, man, it was cold-blooded crime. We're sort of turning it into a media hub, one private view at a time, but at the moment it's still fresh and totally retro.

3: Word. I mean, like, what is this building made from, anyways?

2: Straw.

1: Straw? No way!

3: Well vintage.

1: Totally. Imagine how cool it is to actually live in a house made from straw: mate, you are the coolest little pig in the litter.

2: Sure, I'm a fearless pioneer, moving out into this area, but there are a few of us now, totally changing the tone of the zone. Like, it used to be all about the agricultural work, or whatever, which I'm sure was great.

3: But culture moves on.

2: That's right. Once they wanted, like, farming products here, and now our world has evolved enough so that we're doling out the electro-jive, speciality coffees and hand-printed ironic erotica paperbacks. I tell you, I could never go back to my house made of bricks, up in the square part of town.

3: I hear Byron's got this little pad made from sticks.

2: Ha! He is such a wannabe! Lame.

3: Stick houses! Might as well settle down in the suburbs with your pipe and two veg!

1: Right! This muddy ditch surrounded by straw houses is the last word, man, much better than the pseudo-bourgeois stick houses some pigs think is the derriere mot.

2: Strawditch is where it's at! There are all these great lofts to rent -

1: Hay lofts?

2: Yeah - and we hold raves and retro-soul weekenders in this overturned cart.

3: Don't the neighbours kick a stink?

2: Oh, yeah, there are some old natives who don't fit in, but you'll always find some who don't appreciate artistic flowering in their area. This one old dude said I was, like, a pretentious blight on society, and threatened to blow the house down!

1: Oh, imprecise! Were you scared?

2: Well, not really. He claimed he'd do it by huffing.

3: Huffing?

2: Yes. Imagine, trying to blow a house down by huffing - oh, and puffing, he mentioned that too. Even if it is made from straw, that's still a big ask. Plus, right, on the weekends I've seen him dressing up in women's clothing, which is way weird.
1: Probably just some harmless nutter.

2: Yeah, I guess. Hey, shall we go to the sculpture gallery down the ditch? There are these three bears who are doing some totally fresh work with porridge?

Masterchef asked a thousand priests, 'What's the tastiest spice?' They all said Emma Bunton. Must be the pig-tails. My friend said Melanie C's a girl next door, so I moved in with him. Every day in London a man moves house. He must be knackered. I told Melanie C she'd shagged my pet kangaroo. She wasn't convinced. She said, 'Is yer wallaby my lover?'

Woman standing in the window looking at different neighbour houses. Husband lies in the sofa watching TV.

Wife: Well now the wife has thrown him out of the house and into the caravan again.

Husband: Or else he'll go out and look into people's windows again. Just remember to roll down curtains tonight.

Wife: Do you think he's a peeping tom?

Husband: I do not have proof but I've often seen him sneaking around in the neighborhood at nights.

Wife: I can see that the retarded guy Boris is down and visiting the two older male cohabitees today.

Husband: They're properly having and anal bum party with him, such retarted guys are easy to exploit.

Wife: Do you think they are gays?

Husband: To older guys living together like that? You do the math!

Wife: What a lot of noise and music next door today.

Husband: Properly a sexparty going on. Did you see her cleavage and the high heels she wore today. Not to talk about the kinky underwear she dried out in the basement this week.

Wife: Do you think she is a prostitute?

Husband: No smoke without a fire. You seen her clothes and why is her child never home in the weekends? There is a support single moms fundraising going on. Believe me.

Wife: Uhh this is really to much, I think I have to call my mother and sister about all this.

Husband: Say hello to them and remember you didn't hear it from me. I'm not the kind of guy going around with unsolicited gossip, but I know what I know.

INSTRUCTOR:
Okay everyone take your seats. Just in case you have sat into the wrong class this is the every tenth word of the dictionary class. As you know by now we study one word of the dictionary each week then we skip nine words and study the next one and so on. Today's word is 'neighbour' which makes this week, week number....

(STUDENT) NIGEL:
2516.

INSTRUCTOR:
2516. Good man Nigel. Now does anyone know what a neighbour is?.......No, anyone? No? A neighbour.....a neighbower....a neighbar....a nighbure? Anyone at all?
Okay I'll tell you a joke about a neighbour; it might take the fear out of it. What do you call someone who lives close to you but lives in a barn?
No? Anyone? Lives in a barn...anyone? Close to you? In a?

(STUDENT) SARAH:
Tttt.......

INSTRUCTOR:
Exactly correct Sarah, a haybour. Now at first glance you may be saying to yourself 'he just said neighbour again'. But then on second glance you realise that I said a different word altogether. That word was 'haybour'. It sounds like neighbour but it had hay at the start and hay is what you would find in a barn and therefore you accomplish the 'get' of the joke.

But hark! On third glance you realise the hay is pronounced the same as the salutation 'hey' as in to greet someone, remember we studied that in week 800, and if they were your neighbour and their name was Bernard or Bernie you could say: 'Hey Ber', to your neighbour.

Thusly you achieve the three 'gets' of the joke. Now you at the back eating the slice of corned beef. What specifically is a neighbour?

MAN:
Someone who lives close to you.

INSTRUCTOR:
Someone who lives close to you. That's actually correct. Most people think that a neighbour is someone who lives very far away but if we consult my bible or dictionary we see that the definition of a neighbour is: 'A building for storing hay, grain and often for housing livestock'.

TIMMY (STUDENT):
But you just said a neighbour was someone who lives close to you.

INSTRUCTOR:
Who said that? Was that you little Timmy Rattigan? What age are you now nine? Ten?

TIMMY:
I'm 34.

INSTRUCTOR:
Ah yes but you were nine when we started. Now according to the dictionary it tells us that a neighbour is someone who lives close by but who is to say that the dictionary is even right. All for we know neighbour could mean to choke on wet leaves or to instigate a fight with a hen.

TIMMY:
But this whole course is based around the words of the dictionary the point you're making completely contradicts all of that.
INSTRUCTOR:
Ha ha! Got you! It was all a joke!

TIMMY:
Oh no! I must admit you had me going. I mean how could you not know what a neighbour is.

INSTRUCTOR:
No I don't mean I was joking about neighbour. The whole course, the last 25 years was a joke. A joke on you specifically.

TIMMY: (DEEPLY SHOCKED)
What?.....Why? You're telling me this whole course is a practical joke?

INSTRUCTOR:
Practically a joke. Exactly. As to the why; Twenty five years ago I was confronted and harangued and ridiculed by a nine year old boy; namely you who repeatedly told me I wasn't able to tell any good jokes and I was a big poopy pants.
(UPSET)
I can categorically state here and now that I am not and never have been a poopy pants and I've now proven that I can play a joke.

TIMMY:
You didn't have to play the joke for twenty five bloody years! Wouldn't playing it for one week have proven your point?

INSTRUCTOR:
Yes. Yes it would.

END.

Liked all but Otterfox for me.

Liked Michael's wallaby a lot, but unfortunately the only part of the routine that related to the theme was a bit of an old chestnut.

The Otter has excelled themselves in insanity this time, whihc is no mean feat, so they therefore have to get the vote.

Totally barking mad - in a totally good way Otterfox get my vote.

My vote goes to gappy. Really good work.

Gappy too. Good effort mate.

Mikey Monkhouse had some fun stuff but for his lovely modernisation of The three little pigs it has to be Gappy.