Skit Comp 7 - 14.5.13

As my father says, thanks for entering. And congratulations to CRAIG H for winning. Please celebrate and PM me for the next topic.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Craig H
1 - 5 - Teddy Paddalack, Funny Johnny

Your new subject is PSYCHIATRISTS (suggested by Funny Johnny).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 14.5.13

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Position - Name

30 - 1 - Gappy
25 - 2 - Craig H
20 - 3 - Otterfox
16 - 4 - Michael Monkhouse
5 - 5 - Steve Sunshine, Teddy Paddalack, Funny Johnny
1 - 6 - Jackfromthebush, Nil Putters

Psychiatrist: "Come in and sit down."

Man: "Thank you, I'm a little nervous, this is completely new to me."

Psychiatrist: "Don't worry we just gonna talk about you and your life. Would you like a glass of water? "

Man: "Yes please."

Psychiatrist: "Here you go."

Man: "Thank you."

Psychiatrist: "Well why are you here to talk with me?"

Man: "I went down with stress for a month ago and my doctor thought it could be good for me to talk to a psychiatrist."

Psychiatrist: "Try to describe yourself."

Man: "I don't know. Just a normal guy, nothing speciel about me."

Psychiatrist: "That was a very impersonal response, have you been sexually abused as a child?"

Man: "Sexually abused? No never."

Psychiatrist: "Just now you deviated my question. Are you a sexual deviator? Do you take your clothes off in front of innocent people on trains and start masturbating in front of them? Or maybe you take on your wife's dress and makeup and drive into the big city to wiggle around in the streets offering strangers blowjobs?"

Man: "WHAT? No!"

Psychiatrist: "Have you done a lot of drugs?"

Man: "I've never tried hard drugs, just smoked some marijuana a few times in high school."

Psychiatrist: "Did the cannabis give you a psychosis? Did it make you feel like you were being followed by an evil cult that would kill you? Which made you arm yourself to the teeth, and the police had to pacify you with 8 stun guns because you hadn't slept for 12 days and now had gone manic fighting invisible sect followers in the local shopping mall with a hoe?"

Man: "I didn't even inhale!"

Psychiatrist: "Really? Do you have a problem with getting something down your throat. Do you repress many gay fantasies? "

Man: "What the hell are you accusing me of here?"

Psychiatrist: "Very well we are just removing possibilities here"

(Psychiatrist takes of his glasses)

Psychiatrist: "My professional judgment of you is that you have a narcissistic personality disorder, signs of split personality and paranoia with indications of megalomania."

Man: "Ah huh?"

Psychiatrist: "That's how I see it as an expert on the matter."

Man: "You got to be kitting me!"

Psychiatrist: "Based on your answers to my questions and the way you have responded to them that is what I can conclude about you."

Man: "If I come with a health declaration to my workplace where it says I have all the problems you're talking about, they will never let me in at my workplace again."

Psychiatrist: "Ahhh now I think you exaggerate a bit, such problems are much more frequent than you think."

Man: "You're not gonna write that down in my health papers!"

Psychiatrist: "I have to, you are a danger to society."

Man: "If you write it in my papers I tear your head off."

Psychiatrist: "I must warn you against making threats against an official employee. That kind of threats can according to section 119 in the law give a prison sentence up to 6 years."

Man: "This conversation is over and I'm leaving."

Psychiatrist: "I'll just remind you that the price for this session is 100 pounds."

Man: "I'm not going to pay you for your insults."

Psychiatrist: "Well you just have to pay Crazy Joe."

Man: "Piss off."

Psychiatrist: "I'll send you a bill Freaky-Deaky."

(Man leaves the room)

Psychiatrist: "Why do I always get the worst crazies?"

ANAL-YTICAL

PSYCHIATRIST'S STUDY.
PYSCHIATRIST leans forward on stool, next to PATIENT lying shivering feverishly on the couch.

PATIENT Oh golly gosh psychiatrist, you simply must aid me! I'm plagued - bedevilled - by such frightful dreams and no ruddy fellow can explain them to me! Oh do assist, do, I'm so bally desperate...

PSYCHIATRIST Now don't you worry young chap, I've studied in Stoke! Just relax and explain the first one...

PATIENT Well - oh Crikey - I have this dream where I lose my job.

PYSCHAITRIST Hmmm... Yerse... Now I would argue this dream represents your fear of losing your job. You see, particularly in today's horrendous economic climate, a fellow needs a job - it provides him with worth and dignity and a steady income... And I'll wager, should you lose yours you'd be in something of a fix wouldn't you?

PATIENT By gad, you're right! So simple!

PYSCHAITRIST All the best interpretations are, my good man. And your second nocturnal excursion?

PATIENT Ah yes... I dream I'm snogging Megan Fox whilst Cameron Diaz feels my nads...

PYSCHIATRIST Well that is a lovely pair isn't it? Ah, man's perennial conundrum: the blonde or the brunette... Now I opine this is, if you like, the other side of the coin. That which the great Freud would've nominated desire as opposed to fear. For whereas the job loss is an affair you could pretty much do without, I'll stake my bet that tonsillar tonguing from Meg combined with testicular twanging from Cam is a situation you'd rather be inclined to enjoy, would it not?

PATIENT Yerse... Hmm, I suppose it might be.

PYCHAITRIST And the next inner images to which you feel subjected?

PATIENT Ah yes - in the last dream I'm a leprechaun in leopard-skin Lederhosen, shrinking ever further whilst the furthermost eons of the galaxy swirl and furl and curl amidst the echoing walls of my psyche, only to crystallize into the faces of the Welsh rugby team discussing limpid lizards who then metamorphose into the thighs of my father's lurid Labrador snivelling rabes onto the canvasses of Hieronymous Bosch's demonic plague besieging the walls of Troy till the wooden horse explodes into a thousand tiny fragments splashing into the sun...

PYSCHATRIST Ah, that old chestnut... Well this means you're a f**k-head.

PATIENT Gosh what a relief! Thank you Doc...

PYSCHIATRIST That's perfectly all right, it's what I'm here for. So I'll just make out your cheque - what was the name again?

PATIENT Watson... Doctor Watson.

Very good sketch Michael Monkhouse. It's intelligent and funny. There's also enourmous creativity in your work. Really good job.

My vote goes to you.

Bad choice of subject apparently. Only two skits. Americans really enjoy writing about it, british not. You learn everyday.

Quote: Jakob Jensen @ May 14 2013, 11:06 AM BST

Very good sketch Michael Monkhouse. It's intelligent and funny. There's also enourmous creativity in your work. Really good job.

My vote goes to you.

Bad choice of subject apparently. Only two skits. Americans really enjoy writing about it, british not. You learn everyday.

View original

The comp's not closed yet!My effort is below...but, you're right, it's was another struggle, like the torture theme.

[Two wispy trails of coloured gas float into view, and flit past each other]

1: Careful! We almost got our mistrals entangled then.

2: Sorry, old thing. Hard to control yourself, isn't it?

1: Yes. I'm glad we've lost the trammels of the old corporeal body, but sometimes I still have trouble as an unfettered spirit. It's the steering.

2: The steering, yes. I tell you what, I'm so glad this afterlife worked out, it's terrific to forget about the workaday world.

1: Oh, the workaday world, yes. All that old rubbish about who you were and what job you did, we can forget all about it, and just bathe in the bliss.

2: Yes. Couldn't agree more. [Pause] So, what did you used to do when you were alive?

1: Me? I was a psychiatrist. Pyschotherapy, that sort of thing.

2: You're joking me! Snap! I was part of that old game, too. What was your name?

1: Stebbins. I had a practice near Galleywood. What about you, what was your handle?

2: Jung.

1: Seriously?

2: Yep. Carl Gustav, I was.

1: You used to be Carl Gustav Jung, the father of modern therapy?

2: Yeah. Pretty much.

1: Well, this is amazing, you were a bit of an idol of mine. I have so many questions I want to ask - would you mind?

2: Not at all, I've got nothing planned this afternoon, except some light wafting and a bit of general bliss, you fire away.

1: What were the skies like when you were Jung?

2: I'm sorry?

1: What were the skies like when you were Jung?

2: Well...they ran on forever.

1: Go on.

2: When I - we lived in Vienna and the skies always had little fluffy clouds in them.

1: Mmm-hmm.

2: And they were long and clear and there were lots of stars at night and when it would rain it would all turn - they were beautiful, the most beautiful skies as a matter of fact.

1: I see, that is interesting. And what about the sunsets?

2: The sunsets were purple and red and yellow and on fire and the clouds would catch the colours everywhere, that's - it's neat because I used to look at them all the time when I was little. You don't see that.

1: Right, well I think I can -

2: You might still see it in the desert.

1: Excellent. Well, thank you. I think, Mr Jung, this tells me quite a lot.

2: I don't quite follow, I'm afraid.

1: I think you want to screw your mother.

2: Bugger me, you're good.

Votin' Gappy and thanking Jakob Jensen for his kind comments.

Mikey Monkey for me.