British Comedy Guide

first 10 pages of my sitcom

FADE IN:
INT.RECRUITMENT OFFICE.DAY
JONTY AND GOLIATH ARE STANDING IN THE RECRUITMENT OFFICE WAITING TO SEE THE HEAD OF RECRUITMENT MAGGY. MAGGY IS VANESSA FELTZ’S FATTER, UGLIER SISTER. SHE’S ON THE PHONE.

GOLIATH
That’s her Jonty, isn’t she something?

JONTY
(Sarcastically)
Aye, she’s certainly no stranger to a fish supper like!

MAGGY
(On phone)
Here did I tell you that Daddy wasn’t going to get me that new beamer? Well guess what? He caved in, what; I told him I’d stop eating!

JONTY
(Thoughts)
Maybe you should’ve love!

JONTY RAISES HIS ARM WITH HIS C.V IN HAND.

JONTY
Excuse me, Maggie is it?

SHE IGNORES HIM.
GOLIATH WALKS OVER TO THE WINDOW. HE CAN SEE HIS REFLECTION ON THE WINDOW. HE BEGINS TO TENSE UP HIS MUSCLES AND STICK HIS CHEST OUT LIKE AN ALPHA MALE. AN ATTRACTIVE GIRL NOTICES HIM AND WALKS TOWARDS THE WINDOW SIGNALING TO HIM TO GET CLOSER, SHE THEN PRENTENDS TO WHISPER AND AS HE PUTS HIS EAR TO THE WINDOW SHE BANKS IT DEAFENING HIM. THEN BEFORE HE CAN COMPOSE HIMSELF A YOUNG HOODY WALKS PAST HIM AND LAUGHS AT HIM.

HOODIE
Ha ha look at the state of ye specky.

HE RUNS FOR THE DOOR.

JONTY
Goliath. Be cool.

GOLIATH
What?

JONTY
Come here.

GOLIATH
I sort him out later!

JONTY
Why do you always have to be so aggressive?

GOLIATH
I’m not; I just don’t take any prisoners!

JONTY
What about last week when you were playing darts!

FLASHBACK
Goliath is playing darts. He throws a dart at the dart board and gets a bull’s eye to win the match. We hear a big cheers go up from the fans. Goliath stands victoriously with his arms in the air. Then in a moment of madness he throws his three darts into the crowd.

CROWD
(screaming)
My face my beautiful face.

HE WALKS OVER

JONTY
What’s wrong with her? Is her eyes and ears painted on? Cos her lips certainly aren’t!

MAGGIE HEARS THIS AND PUTS THE PHONE DOWN.

MAGGIE
What did you say boy?

JONTY
I don’t mean cos your fat, I meant cos you like to talk.

GOLIATH
Maggie Hun, this is Jonty, he’s Alrite, he’s with Daddyo.
GOLIATH WINKS AT HER

MAGGIE
Is there something in your eye?

GOLIATH
(Thoughts)
Just the image of your beauty.

GOLIATH
No.

MAGGY
Ok so you’re Jonty; sit down before you get knocked down.

JONTY
Happy day’s big girl.

MAGGIE
Less of the big! So tell me what your unique qualities are?

JONTY
Well I’m very good with my hands.

GOLIATH
Too good, five times a day.

JONTY
Did I tell you I cut down? A guy can get lonely, it ok for you women, you can get the aul rabbit out! Anyway I’m also good with numbers.

GOLIATH
Aye 69ers.

JONTY
Sorry about him. His parents should never have been able to conceive. It’s a crime against humanity.

MAGGIE
Were all sorry about him.

GOLIATH
Good one Maggie

GOLIATH
(Thoughts)
She’s playing hard to get, big man.

JONTY
But getting back to business Marge...

MAGGIE
It’s Maggie

JONTY
Sorry Maggie, I’m a team player, honest, hardworking and single!

MAGGIE
That’s hard to believe.

JONTY
What that I’m single?

MAGGY
No that you’re a team player, honest and hard working. So tell me where do you see yourself in 5 years time?

FANTASY SCENE
JONTY IS ON A BEACH RUNNING WITH HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND ESTHER. THEY STOP FOR A SECOND FOR A KISS. WE LOOK NEXT TO THEM AND GOLIATH IS IN A BOXING RING HOLDING UP A WORLD TITLE BELT.

V.O
And the world’s oldest and smallest world heavy weight champion Goliath.

ROGER IS IN A SWIMMING POOL WITH LOTS OF GIRLS AND JONTY’S PARENTS ARE CAGED UP LIKE ANIMALS PLEADING FOR HIM TO FREE THEM.

JONTY
With you lying in my arms.

MAGGIE
Excuse me.

JONTY
With a pension!

MAGGIE
I’m only asking cos when we asked a man very close to you the same question, he told us about how he was going to be and I quote ‘a professional boxer, with me as his lady.

GOLIATH LOOKS INCREASLY UNCOMFORTABLE.

GOLIATH
Could still happen! While the hearts a beating, the brains a dreaming.

MAGGIE
Well boys there is in fact a dual opening. It’s in McCord bookmakers. You start tomorrow at 9.00am.

JONTY
Happy days. Would one need to bring any specific items of clothing i.e. protective footwear, goggles or ear plugs.

MAGGIE
No, no you won’t need anything like that.

MAGGIE
(Thoughts)
Maybe a baseball bat!
JONTY AND GOLIATH WALK OUT OF THE RECRUITMENT AGENCY

EXT. BOOKIES - DAY
WE SEE A SIGN ‘MCCORDS BOOKMAKERS’. THEY ARE ABOUT TO WALK INTO THE BOOKIES WHEN THE DOOR OPENS AND SOMEONE GETS THROWN OUT HEAD FIRST. A TOUGH LOOKING GUY STANDS AT THE DOOR.

JONTY
Alrite big lad? Caught stealing was he?

TOUGH GUY
No, I was. Why?

GOLIATH
Is there problem sunshine?

TOUGH GUY
There might be, for you.

JONTY
Right, right mate. Sorry bout that, stay cool Goliath.

THE TOUGH NUT SHAKES HIS HEAD AND WALKS BACK IN.

INT. BOOKIES - DAY
THEY WALK ON IN TO A RATHER CHAOTIC BOOKIES. BODIES LIE ON THE FLOOR AND PUNTERS SEEM TO BE THROWING THINGS AT THE T.V SCREENS.

JONTY
This is like hell!

GOLIATH
Think it is, look there’s a Galatasary fan.

GALATASARY FAN
Welcome to hell, you infidels.

JONTY
He’s not even Turkish; he’s from the shore road!

GOLIATH
Awh no, look who it is!

THEY LOOK UP TO SEE THE FOX BEHIND THE COUNTER. THE MOST CRAFTY, SLY AND CUNNING BASTARD THEY KNOW.

JONTY
This isn’t looking good. Did you hear about him last week at Charlie Tully’s funeral? Charlie owed him a tenner. He went up to his grieving widow and asked for the money.

GOLIATH
He’s mustard.

JONTY
That’s not all. He said Charlie owed him forty quid.

GOLIATH
You’re joking me!

JONTY
When she told him to piss off he went to the coffin in the front room, paid his respects, and then slipped the wedding ring of his finger!

GOLIATH
Surprised he didn’t take the finger!

WE ZOOM UP TO THE FOX AT THE COUNTER AND SEE HIM WEARING THE RING ON HIS FINGER. HE SPOTS THEM LOOKING AT HIM.

THE FOX
Look who it is Trinny and Susanna. What’s the word on the street girls?

THEY BEGIN TO WALK UP TOWARDS HIM. WE SEE PUNTERS HOLDING THE OTHER STAFF BY THE THROAT.

PUNTER
Why didn’t it win? Give me my money back.

JONTY
Well what’s happening? Bit rough in here.

THE FOX
Do you think! Been quiet all day. Seen your Da last night at the bingo.

GOLIATH
Did he win?

JONTY
(Dumfounded)
No he was working!

A CO WORKER WALKS OVER TO THE FOX WITH A TOWEL ON HIS HEAD WITH BLOOD ON IT.

WORKER
I quit.

THE FOX
Whatever. It’s hard getting good staff these days. Sad too, he was the second longest serving member of staff behind me.

GOLIATH
When did you start?

THE FOX
Two days ago!

GOLIATH
Well when Daddyo starts tomorrow things will change, I’ll sort the men out from the boy’s! That’s you included!

JONTY
Aye me and the big man are starting here tomorrow.

THE FOX
Happy days men, didn’t know they employed weeners in here, come on round and I’ll show you the ropes. And it’s not a boxing ring Goliath, so you’ll not be on your back.

GOLIATH
It could turn into one very quick!

THEY WALK AROUND THE BACK.

THE FOX
This is the safe lads; round here is where the money’s kept and that room up there is where all the dockets and papers get kept. Right, tomorrow Jonty you’ll be on the tills with me, and Bruno will be doing security, cos he has the unique attributes.

GOLIATH
What the guns?

SIGNALING AT HIS FISTS

THE FOX
No. just one of those heads you’d love to smack! So Jonty do you wanna be part of the team?

JONTY
Looks like it. This is the start of something great.

HE SHAKES HIS HAND. HE THEN LOOKS DOWN TO HIS FINGER.

JONTY
Did you just steal my ring?

THE FOX
Sorry must have slipped off. What about you Goliath?

HE LOOKS ROUND BUT NO GOLIATH. HE IS STANDING AT THE DOOR WEARING A SECURITY JACKET.

JONTY
He got changed very quick!

Hi

I'm pretty much a newbie to comedy writing so I won't say too much about the concept itself - although I liked some of it.

The reason I'm replying is to say that, IMO, the way you wrote the dialect was bloody brilliant! I'd only got a few sentences in and I could really "hear" those voices. Very nicely done.

Good luck!

cheers, thats very much. glad u enjoyed it. its set in belfast

1

Hi James

I liked bits of it, the flashbacks especially the darts one, were funny, and I could visualise the bookies really well. I'd say, try and add a few more one liners. I only say this as that's the feedback I get from production companies all the time and it falls on deaf ears when you tell them it's not that kind of sitcom. From what I've seen you don't want this to be a Friends type programme which is joke, joke, joke, joke, but it could do with a few gags

Nice start though. Well done mate

I found alot of it really funny, a couple more gags maybe?
Well done though.

cheers mr horse. happy days

I felt that bits of it were childishly written and I didn't really understand much of the dialogue between Jonty, Goliath and Maggie. It establishes the plot which is good though, but it does seem rather immediate the way it unfolds. Maybe you could have an opening scene with the first two characters at home or in the pub discussing being unemployed. That would make it more believable and also establish the plot early on.

By the way, are you a fan of Still Game? I could see its influences on this albeit it set in N.Ireland and with younger characters. The "Look who it is Trinny and Susanna. What’s the word on the street girls?" line is like something Bobbay (the pub landlord from Still Game) would say!

Haven't read all of it, but it's not really my type of thing. Easy target jokes is what it seemed like, fat jokes, Vanessa Feltz, masturbating jokes. Just not really my cup of tea. I'll try to read more later though and see how I think it progresses.

no bother martin, everyones opinion is welcomed, good or bad. cheers

Share this page