If you would be so kind...

...as to run your highly skilled comedic brains over the satirical news report below, I would be grateful for any pointers/suggestions/constructive criticism on style or content you can offer.

Iain Duncan Smith is poised to announce a radical new plan to reduce both the benefits bill and the NHS waiting lists in one.

The Work and Pensions Secretary's new initiative will see the long-term unemployed being forced to consent to their organs being used for transplants, or risk having their benefits reduced.

Sources within Whitehall have expressed their concern at the amount of time patients are spending on waiting lists for organ transplants and the amount their ongoing care in the meantime costs the NHS.

A DWP spokesman told us, "It seems ludicrous that at a time when Britain needs everyone to be striving rather than skiving, that there are perfectly functioning organs being wasted in the bodies of those whose prime ambition is to be awake in time for Jeremy Kyle."

"It makes sense for those organs to be removed and put to work in the bodies of decent, hard-working British people so they can provide for their decent, hard-working British families."

"This will result in significant savings from the benefits budget as a result of the donors no longer being eligible - mainly due to being dead - while also reducing the amount of time recipients have to wait for organs."

"Those who refuse to have their organs redistributed in this way will face having their benefits reduced. While we appreciate this may lead to them dying of malnutrition or hypothermia, clearly this will have the unintended side effect of freeing up their organs earlier than we would otherwise have expected."

"In order to avoid placing undue strain on the NHS by increasing the number of transplants it performs, we will of course be contracting these operations out to private sector partners."

Response within Westminster to the leaked proposals has been mixed, with Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg describing them as "really not very nice at all", while UKIP's Nigel Farage has expressed concern that the organs may be taken by Bulgarians and Romanians who come into the country simply for the purpose of obtaining kidneys they can sell at a profit back home.

Andy it's ok, but just that if you know what I mean?

For me political stuff like this always comes across almost like a rehash even though every word is the writers.

I think that if you want to rise above the mundane you need to be more outrageous or more succinct because at he moment your output is too middle of the road.

So instead of trying to encompass several issues just go with one and work it till it Purrs!

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ May 1 2013, 2:00 PM BST

Andy it's ok, but just that if you know what I mean?

For me political stuff like this always comes across almost like a rehash even though every word is the writers.

I think that if you want to rise above the mundane you need to be more outrageous or more succinct because at he moment your output is too middle of the road.

So instead of trying to encompass several issues just go with one and work it till it Purrs!

View original

Super advice.

It's a bit long-winded, and should be edited. You'd be surprised at how much better it reads after cutting a few superfluous words.
"Iain Duncan Smith has announced a radical plan to reduce the benefits bill and NHS waiting list at the same time. The new initiative will see the long-term unemployed forced to consent to their organs being used for transplants, or have their benefits cut."

See what I mean?
You can cut the third sentence altogether, it's unnecessary.
The last para is very funny.

Cheers for the feedback so far.

Teddy Paddalack - without giving away too many of your trade secrets, how would you have tightened it up?

There's certainly something in this in my humble opinion, but like the guys say, edit, don't waste a single word. Try to cut straight to the chase.
Perhaps break down the joke into three parts?
The set-up, complication and the punchline.
Try to understand what you need to say, then you'll know what you don't?

The other lads will properly put it better than I have!

Concern today was mounting over the controversial scheme of organ removal from the unemployed.

One man who didn't want to be named had a kidney removed in order to qualify for a crisis loan to bury his mother who had starved to death whilst trying to log onto the Universal Credit site but was hampered by her arthritic hands.

The man who had to be back at his unpaid job in Poundland two days after the operation, said that the procedure was carried at his local ATOS organ cropping centre.

When questioned in the house Ian Duncan Smith praised the scheme adding that the feckless were now doing their bit to aid the strivers.

For his part Nigel Farage said the scheme was flawed as ATOS were not giving the body parts to British workers but were instead selling the organs to Africans through a branch of Argos in Lagos.

The manager of the Argos Lagos branch, Martin Goodfellow Mgambo was unavailable for comment.