The First two scenes of my new sitcom idea

I thought i'd post the first two scenes of my new draft here so I can get some feedback on whether you people think the characters work, whether it's believeably written and seems like an interesting idea, all feedback is welcome especially criticisms (It's great having replies that say "this is good, I like it" and please do post lots of those, but i can't really do anything with them, whereas criticisms I can act upon). Everything I do is audio only (I can't be dealing with visuals) so keep that in mind when reading it.

Dave: Hello Sir and welcome to the other side nature reserve, where the grass is greener, the animals safer and the guests happier.

Dave: What? A complaint you say?

Dave: Well there’s not much we can do, sometimes the water voles like to stay in their homes, you were just unlucky to come on a day when they’re being shy.

Dave: No we can’t go over there and shout a bit until they get frightened out.

Dave: Hmmmmm, I think it’s Kabul isn’t it.

Dave: Sorry yes, you’re right it’s Baghdad, I must have been thinking of Afghanistan

Dave: Look, I’m sorry but if you continue on in this aggressive fasion I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

Dave: Don’t take that tone with me.

Dave: It doesn’t work like that, we don’t control the animals if they want to come out, they come out, if they want to stay in that just means you’ve been unlucky, you’ll have to come back when they’re feeling more confident.

Dave: Hey you can’t do that.

Dave: Well I know it says suggested donation so you don’t have to pay it, but you can’t take it back once you’ve already given it, that’s just plain stealing.

Dave: Hey get off me.

Alan: Dave, Dave, what the hell are you doing? Why are you moving about erraticly as though you’re in some sort of mime fight?

Dave: Sorry Alan, you caught me somewhat offguard, thought no-one else was here, no I was just making sure I was ready for the sponsors visit tomorrow, you know make sure I’m prepared for any eventuality.

Alan: And you do this by mumbling to yourself and flailing about?

Dave: Well no, obviously, no I was imagining I was talking to an irate visitor who was complaining about the otters not coming out.

Alan: And you decided the best, most helpful way to deal with this person’s complaint was to start attacking them?

Dave: Well not initially, but then he started trying to take his donation back and getting abusive.

Alan: Abusive? What did he do?

Dave: He was calling me stupid because I didn’t know that the capital of Iraq was Baghdad.

Alan: Why on earth would an irate visitor start saying something like that?

Dave: Well he asked me and I didn’t know the answer, I said it was Kabul, I think I must have been thinking of Afganistan.

Alan: So, your imaginary irate visitor asked you want the capital of Iraq was and was sent into an uncontrollable rage when you got the answer wrong?

Dave: No, I think he was just using the whole not knowing the capital thing as ammunition to insult me once I demanded he put the donation back.

Alan: But, clearly you do know what the capital is, you corrected yourself.

Dave: Yes but the whole point of this exercise was so I could find out if I could deal with a threatening and unusual situation.

Alan: Well I have to admit that having an angry customer aggressively asking you the capital of Iraq whilst complaining about shy otters is both threatening and unusual, but, and I can’t stress this enough, Bloody unlikely to EVER happen.

Dave: It might, and if it does now I know I can deal with it effectively.

Alan: No you can’t, you got into a fight with him.

Dave: That’s true, but to be fair I was winning.

Alan: It doesn’t matter whether you were winning or not, look, instead of conducting imaginary conversations with weird crazy people the likes of whom clearly, don’t haven’t and never will exist and certainly will never visit this Nature reserve, you read the handbook on how to interact with visitors, I want all the staff here on my reserve to look professional yet friendly when the sponsor comes to visit and that includes you!

Scene 2.

Antony: Wait, so you’re saying that even though we give all that cash to the nature reserve we here at Globo UbernCorp are still viewed by the public at large as evil bastards who don’t care about the environment.

Peter: Well Sir, I said it would take time, the waste dumping scandal, buying our staff uniforms from a sweat shop in Uganda, that time we each poisoned a dog at the Christmas party, the oil tanker insurance scam. We have a lot of bad publicity to overcome it all adds up.

Antony: Said it would take time?! You said it would take money!!

Peter: Time and money sir, we can’t expect a fix overnight, we’ve got to make it look as though we aren’t just throwing money at a good cause for good publicity, we have to make it look like we really care, and we have to make it look like our money’s made a difference.

Antony: So what you’re saying is that they’re not using our money well enough.

Peter: That’s a rather simple way of putting it sir, the problem is that they’re using the cash for everyday minor improvements stuff that makes the real difference but is quite difficult for simple Joe Public to see working.

Antony: So you’re saying we need them to do something big? Something visible right?

Peter: Ideally some sort of construction projects would be good, with you going down out of your busy schedule to lay the first bricks and make sure personally that everything is working out.

Antony: Maybe they could announce the project by surprise whilst I was on holiday and I could rush back despite the personal inconvenience because I’m so excited about it.

Peter: I’ll look into organizing that for you sir!

Antony: Good, that should get the public on our side again, maybe then our staff will be able to get into work without being battered by countless banners, then maybe we’d keep on to some of them for more than a few weeks.

Peter: Of course you might want to appoint someone from here to oversee the project from our end, someone you trust, and maybe give them a masiive pay rise for the extra responsibility?

Antony: Peter, you don’t have to walk on eggshells around me, of course I will appoint you to oversee the project, but with one slight alteration.
Peter: What’s that?

Antony: My daughter, you remember she got arrested for Drunk and Disorderly recently?

Peter: For the 5th time this year yes.

Antony: 6th actually, that’s the problem, the judge works on a 6 strikes and your out policy, she’s been given 100 hours community service, I thought she could spend it working at the reserve.

Peter: Ah, I get it, by sending your own daughter there it gives off the impression that you think it’s a worthwhile, safe and stimulating place that will really benefit her and shows you’re a family man who cares about his offspring

Antony: Exactly, and also by sending her to that God Forsaken hellhole it might shock the little brat into becoming less of a God Damn Embarrasment.

Peter: Well that too, just remember not to say that in front of the camera’s again.

Antony: Ok you’re usual visit is tomorrow morning isn’t it? Get down there and announce that you’re taking over the overseeing of comperate charity fund distribution

Peter: Of course sir!

I read it through and thought it was coherent.

It's topical (environment) but for me that's bad not good as I'm getting bored by references to the environment (just a personal view) and I'm not sure how sustainable (pun not intended) it would be in a longer piece.

I think the dialogue is very contemporary and similar to a lot of other dialogue I have read in new scripts and my worry would be that it comes over as having all been done before even though it may be new. That may not be a negative. I am sure I've heard dialogue on radio and TV that was similar, so maybe that's OK then?

When something is (at least) reasonably well written like this it's hard to tell tell just from a couple of scenes where it's going and whether or not it has mileage beyond being a sketch.

Did I like it? Not especially, it just wasn't up my street. I didn't dislike it though. I thought it was well enough written and it made me smile here and there, although I found some of the dialogue too wordy for speech and I got frustrated by the length of the scenes. Both had too much dialogue and took too long to 'get there' for me.

Every time I try to critique something I feel inadequate to help! Hopefully you'll get more feedback and hopefully feedback more useful to you than mine.

I know its a first draft, but it would have helped by having some description of what Dave was doing. I was very confused as I started reading. What was Dave doing? Was he on the phone or was he talking to himself? Its revealed eventually what he's doing, but some information would make it an easier read to comment on!

Its good that the first scene establishes the plot of the episode, but it was a difficult read - it just seemed to focus on the characters talking nonsense and I couldn't handle reading scene 2.

Oh wait. I just read your 'Everything I do is audio only' bit. Is this meant to be a radio sitcom?

It was quite long-winded. I was a fan of Yes Minister but a lot of the time I couldn't wait for Humpherey to get to the end of his long sentences. They need to be snappier.

A description at the start is necessary and I think Dave talking to himself should just come under

Dave:

Having two is confusing. Didn't find it funny either.

Sorry!

Bearing in mind that a script reader will read the first 10 lines before deciding to continue, you've chosen a real difficult way to begin.

All the repeated lines attributed to Dave. I actually thought it was a convo between two people with a typo to explain the missing name tag. Better to put it into one block with pauses attributed to Dave. That way it's clear it's a conversation with himself.

Even if it was an imagined conversation some of the replies seemed disjointed, logically and in context. The Kabul line had me rereading the opening 3 times to see why it had made this huge leap, there was no logical or contextual reason for that line being there until the explanation arrives later on. I fear at this point in your script a busy reader will have thought, I can't decipher this and put it down rather than read through to the explanation.

Also leaving an explanation so long will have the reader / consumer trying to recall the previous passage to make sense of it and this will automatically drag their attention from the present section that's being read / viewed / listened to.

That you deal in audio is fine but there's no excuse to not provide sound effects that will paint a 'picture' for the reader. You have to ask, what sounds will set a scene quickly and easily. If this is intended for radio then incoporate sound effects, the reader will expect them. If it's for TV then you will have to bother yourself with scene action. If you don't incorporate these vital elements then you'll find yourself using exposition.

Example:

A screech of a car, a loud bump, and scream
Dave: Oh my God, Terry!

Indicates something unpleasant has happened to Terry or Terry is being referred to. But if you avoid the SFX

Dave: Oh my God, Terry's been hit by that car.

You're explaining to the reader / consumer.

The dialogue was good - the water vole harrassing line was funny - but the script needs more thought into explaining without making it obvious that you are explaining.

The easiest / most exciting part for most people in scriptwriting is dialogue. Concentrating on this and treating all other vital elements to a script as irrelevant will make it stand out for the wrong reason.

The effect i'm going for with the beginning with Dave is that the listener will think it is Dave having a conversation with someone else who for whatever reason isn't being shown in the dialogue so it's meant to be kept ambiguous before revealing that he's actually having an imagined conversation. (just trying out some new techniques whihc haven't been used before, evidently this one doesn't work).

The Kabul line is to establish the way the mind of the Dave character works in that even in his fantasy argument his mind starts to wander off on a complete tangent which is built on later in the episode but doesn't really work until his character is more built up later on.

I think I will probably write a different scene 1 and keep this scene slightly revised to be sorted for later when the character has been established so it will become more obvious from the previous actions of the character what is going on.

Thanks for the comments though :-)