Comedy short; need feedback

Hi all.

I have a short comedy script I've written with the intention of directing it with a friend of mine's up and coming production company.

It'll be on a micro budget, (however I plan on crowd funding it nonetheless, after much research) but desperately want to hear subjective feedback on it.

It's my first short...ever. And so I have spent nigh on 10 months on and off perfecting it. I have not taken this the least bit lightly.

I would love to hear it at a reading with actors involved and will be attending The London Comedy Writers on the 30th April, but understand they like to stick to 30 min scripts and sketches and not a 10 min short script.

I plan on attending from here on in anyway, but understand it could be some time before my script is read out However I want to move forward with it.

If anyone has any suggestions on where I could take it, or whom I could show it to, I'de be grateful if you could share those with me.

Many thanks in advance and sorry for the mini novel, I appreciate your time.

Jack

P.S.- I've stopped short of posting it here...yet. But is it wise?

Post it here - or a link to it.
You'll at least get an idea wether you've got something worth investing time & money in.

Thanks Lazard, I'm certainly considering it now, at least as a first step.
I haven't heard any other comedy writer's feedback on it.

Think this could be the way to go.

Anyone else?

Lcw always start with 2 or 3 skits yours is a little
E long but they may do it come to 4 or so meetings and they'll read it

but put it upon critique first because they can be brutal

Oh amd hello

As for posting it a rule of thumb is yes

Its very rare for a produced script to be at all
Similar to the original so get it out the way

Feedback beats fear of plagarism

Sootyj, Thanks very much.

That makes a little more sense to warm up with skits.
But I'd like to get into that world anyway, not just for the purposes of hearing my work read out, as I don't know many writers let alone comedy writers.
I feel it could really benefit me and of course my work.

I do want criticism and know I need to be nudged (or booted) in the right direction.

I may be a novice but I don't consider myself a complete amateur.
I've been on a an evening course, studied several books methodically (including Syd Fields Screenplay and a guide to Poetics), in addition to buying another book on how to write jokes using joke webs ect.

So I have been practising.

Again, I know this doesn't make me a pro, but it doesn't make me a numpty either.

Plus I'm use to failure, I support QPR after all...!

And hello there!

P.S.- I actually found the LCW through you're link, you'll be unsurprised to hear...

And yes, I agree. The chances of plagiarism are remote.

Well, that's two trustworthy sources, that's enough for me.

Thank you gentlemen, I will try and post by this evening on this thread.
I'd be enormously grateful if you took the time to read it and give your comments.

Thanks again for your time, I really appreciate it.

J

So gents (and ladies?),

Here is the script for my comedy short.

I need help and would appreciate some constructive advice on how to improve it.

Many thanks for your time and I really appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it, I'm truly grateful (+ I'd be more than happy to read anyone else's work too!).

https://www.dropbox.com/s/0xoy0jevislj7tx/The%20Butler%20%26%20the%20Bell%20draft%208.pdf

J

P.s. - Any probs accessing it, please let me know and I will fix what ever is required.

Have tried to make it as easy as poss to access and read.

Thanks again...

I'm on tenterhooks

It's very well written but it seems more like a one-off story and not one you could draw other episodes out of. I also didn't find it overly funny. The Calpol was the stand-out bit, humour wise. I know you can write funny, I voted for your sketch in the skit comp but at the moment this reads more like a drama sprinkled with the odd gag than an out and out sitcom.

I think your dialogue and humour works fine. Your characters are ok. A little stereotype but it works.

In my view you need to work with the storyplot. You have this lazy guy, his grandfather dies, he is rewarded with magic item, he doesn't change or experience any real conflicts, he eats and enjoy himself a lot, in the end he gets a little bad concience. He has it to easy I think.

The personal differences between the butler and him could make the story even more interesting. Here a lot of conflicts can be made.

If you want to make more episodes the butler needs to stay in. when he is out or they adapt to eachother the story is ended.

need some more inner and outer conflicts to create problems.

Where is his family in the story. That could interesting to hear about. Is he the black sheap?

You have manu elements, for me the storyplot need som work. But nice going. keep up with the good work.

Thank you for your feedback, really appreciate it gents.

First of all; Otterfox, it is a one-off by design and not a sitcom.

I wanted to write a self contained, funny short story for the screen so I could direct it.

However, The lack of funny was bothering me, so thank you for confirming that my suspicions were right. I need to work on that, so thanks for your feedback.

Second of all; funny Johnny, I totally agree with you. A coincidence should not beckon the resolution or dénouement of the story.
You're right. Again, I was aware of this but wanted to hear it from someone else reading it.

I did feed into the story that he was a coward and had no responsibility but it's a bit of a cheat I suppose, we don't feel Tom has earned his resolution, or gone through great change.

Furthermore, I was trying to keep the page count low, I had loads more, but had to cut it to its bare bones.

I will nonetheless soldier on.

Thank you gents, really appreciate it.

P.s. - If anyone else has some suggestions I'm all ears...

Hi Jack

I thought the piece was not a bad effort. For me the Narrator's piece was the best bit of writing in the script... I did laugh out loud at the "His reputation for diarrhoea was very well founded...The mess he left would leave CSI
astounded."
However I agree with Otterfox that there needs to be more gags in the script. It felt a bit light in that department.
I hope you don't mind this feedback, as I think the idea has legs. The butler, the magic bell... I think that idea should be plundered, I think Tom should really use and abuse his new found power.
However if you had to cut the page count down then maybe you cut out too many gags. I'd try and shoehorn loads more in.
Anyway, I hope that helps in some way...

Hi,

I really enjoyed the script and the idea but agree with the other posters. Calpol bit was the funniest and demonstrates the potential for you to 'funny up' the rest of the script. Not that it was unfunny, I felt plenty of internal titters, shall we say, but there is certainly opportunity to open it up a bit more. I can imagine that if you're planning to film it I'm sure you're concious of keeping things within the realms of possibility and cost.

Thought it was really well-written and solid, you certainly tell a good story. Thanks for sharing as well..

I like the rhyming narration which I thought was pretty funny

Possibly *because* of the lack of internal or external conflict, the Tom character is a bit flat. He could be conceited, bitter, paranoid, a schemer, a dreamer or a hopelessly dragged down by his friend, but as it is he's just a bit lazy which isn't the funniest character flaw even though it fits the plot nicely. His inconsiderate nature is kind of played down too.

Thank you Marwood, Ricktos Kebab, enigmatic and everyone else who posted previously for taking the time to read and critique my work, your objective feedback and your advice.

I will be back...