This is an old sketch of mine (radio sketch so no visuals) that I am thinking of re-writing for a possible sketch show idea called "the fobidden tapes" the idea being that it's tapes which were meant to be forgotten and is full of the kind of SoBadIt'sGood comedy style. I warn you now it's a long one. Any comments however harsh are appreciated.
STATMAN 3: STAT TO THE FUTURE!
THERE ARE 3 KINDS OF HERO, HEROES, SUPER HEROES and STATMAN AND ROBIN!
*electronic sounds of complex equipment scanning for crime hotspots*
Robin: Ok I raise you 12 cosoins.
Statman: Ok I call your 12 cosoins, lets see your hand
Robin: Royal flush! haha I win!
Statman: Not so fast Robin, I have a royal flush too, and since mine is spades and yours is diamonds mine wins by being a stronger suit.
Robin: That’s not a rule of poker, we should split the pot.
Statman: Robin! Who is the super hero and who is just the pathetic little sidekick?
Robin: I’m sorry Statman, of course you win.
Statman: That’s better.
Robin: I’m very surprised to see two royal flushes in the same hand though.
Statman: I know the chances of that happening are ridiculously low, especially since we’re playing texas hold em’
Robin: Is something wrong with probability?
Statman: Hmmmmm, lets try an experiment, throw all 20 of these dice, if you don’t get all 6s I’m going to slap you.
Robin: Ummmmmmm ok.
*sound of rolling dice followed by a slap*
Statman: That’s amazing, 19 6s andthe final dice rolling across a sharp nail in such a way as to carve the words “oh go on slap him then” where the 6 should go, something IS wrong with probability, let me turn on the statscope.
Robotic voice *locking onto probability disturbances, please observe*
Pilot: No, it’s not going to crash, there’s only a 0.0000000526% chance we missed something in the safety checks.
*boom*
Pilot: M’aider M’aider, the plane is going down, what are the chances.
*Further probability disturbance detected*
Casino announcer: Place your bets, place your bets
Sharon: I’m going to put all my life’s savings on the double 0 square.
Casino announcer: Well it’s your life to ruin, ok lets spin the wheel.
*spinning sound followed by an elephant noise*
Casino announcer: Wow! The ball spontaneously morphed into an elephant and crushed that woman, what are the chances.
*Error, Error cannot locate epicentre of disturbance*
Statman: Damnit, Probability has gone haywire, if we don’t do something soon who knows what will happen next.
Robin: But you heard the statscope, we have no idea what’s causing these disturbances or where it’s coming from.
Statman: I know. Wait!!! My statscope has never failed me yet, I refuse to believe it’s failing me now, If it can’t locate the epicentre, then maybe, just maybe it doesn’t exist……………….yet!
Robin: *gasps* what do you mean statman?
Statman: Probability deals with what happens in the future
Robin: Yes, go on.
Statman: Well if someone is messing with probability it stands to reason they must be doing it from the future, That’s where we need to go, to the end of time, if anyone is messing with probability they’ll almost certainly be doing it from there.
Robin: But Statman, we don’t have a time machine.
Statman: This looks like a job for quantum physics boy!!!
Robin: Leader of the spod squad?
Statman: That’s him, now we just need to summon the spod squad, Robin pass me two of those dice.
Robin: Theese two?
Statman: Right now, “Oh dear, I need to roll a 12 sided dice to see whether I can defeat this dragon using my fireball spell, but I don’t have one, oh well I guess I’ll just use these two six sided dice instead”
*spod squad in unison*: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!
Quantum physics boy: GCSE geography project boy, grab the dice, I’ll get the D12 while computer game kid explains why you can’t use two D6s
Computer game kid: A D12 is necessary because there is a higer chance of numbers around the middle being thrown if you use 2 D6s, for example you can th……
Statman: Yes, yes I know all that, it’s me Statman, I know all about probability, but that’s just the problem, probability isn’t working.
GCSE GPB: Oh Statman, it’s you, we were just about to come and find you, we were playing DND when suddenly all the rolls came up as critical hits, so we defeated the dragon, but clearly something is wrong with probability, we need your help.
Statman: Yes, we need to work together on this one, as far as I know someone is messing with probability and causing havoc around the city, I don’t know their motives or who it is but I’m pretty sure they’re doing it from the end of time, Quantum physics boy, I need you to build me a time machine.
QPB: But if it’s happening from the future, then the only person I know of who also has the skills to build a time machine is………………her.
Robin: Who?
GCSE GPB: No-one, *aside* we do NOT speak of her anymore.
QPB: Anyhow, I can build you a time machine, I’ll go over here and build it while you lot talk possibly further developing the plot.
Statman: So Computer game kid, what did Quantum physics boy mean when he said there was only one other person capable of building a time machine.
CGK: We don’t speak of……..her
Statman: DAMNIT, I need to know what I’m up against.
CGK: well there used to be a fourth member of the spod squad, geek girl. She was so beautiful and because we wanted to impress her we all wore cool clothes, washed regularly and used deoderant, she was also the best DND player in the squad.
Statman: A female DND player?!?!?!!
CGK: Before the great disaster there were many female DND players and Geeks were popular, normal socially accepted people, then it all went wrong.
Statman: What happened?
CGK: We were playing the best game of DND we’ve every played, Geek girl had a level 47 wizard, the most powerful character anyone has ever have, and we weren’t that far behind either. Anyhow, we fought this planar dragon which has never been defeated by any DND players ever and it only had 200 hitpoints left, which was enough for geek girl to finish it with a planar bolt.
Statman: But I thought that spell had been banned!!!!
CGK: It has, this is the incident that caused us to ban it. It didn’t matter how much she rolled for, just as long as she managed to cast the spell the dragon would be defeated, we’d be hailed as the greatest DND players of all time.
Statman: So what went wrong?
CGK: She rolled a critical miss, and as we all know, on a critical miss the planar bolt spell sucks all your allies through the planar rift that the bolt was meant to come through, teleporting them miles away and leaving you defenceless.
Statman: Great Tumbling tangents, that’s horrible.
CGK: The dragon killed her character and none of us were able to get to her in time to resurrect, can you imagine the horror of losing a level 47 wizard when you were just about to go down in history as the greatest DND player ever? The shock was too much for her, she went mad with grief.
Statman: What did she do?
CGK: She went on a rampage killing all female DND players she could find, the three of us just about managed to stop her and imprison her before she could do any more damage but it was too late, she’d killed too many female DND players and without women the remaining geeks became unfashionable, socially inept losers with BO problems, the few remaining female DND players were so driven by fear that they became ugly unsoiable hags who rarely venture away from their homes into the outside world.
Statman: And you think Geek girl could be back causing all these probability disturbances?
CGK: She’s the only person apart from Quantum Physics boy who could possibly have the intellect to build a time machine, so if that’s what’s causing this, it must be her.
QPB: The machine is ready, lets go find whatever male clearly not imbittered DND player is behind all this.
CGK: STOP BEING IN DENIAL, We all know who’s behind this.
Statman: Well now we can find out, everyone get into the machine
*Robin makes whoosh sound*
Statman: Robin! I warned you about this in the last episode, stop making silly noises every time we go anywhere.
*doctor who tardis sound*
Robin: Are you sure the BBC don’t have copywrite over that sound effect?
Statman: Almost certainly yes, but who gives a F**k
*doctor who tardis sound*
Statman: So here we are at the end of time, it’s so beautiful a clear open span of colour as though everything were spread out behind me, and a vast swirling mass of probabilities being manipulated by a beautiful and intelligent looking yet worry worn and obsessive woman.
Robin: Was it really necessary to describe that in such detail?
Statman: There might be a blind person who wanted to know what was happening.
Robin: But you know it’s just the 5 of us, and none of us are blind.
Statman: look Robin, do you want me to poke your eyes out.
Robin: No
Statman: then shut up.
GG: Whaaaaaat? It seems we have visitors
QPB: So it IS you, Geek Girl, what have you become?
GG: Yesssssssss….The betrayers have returned.
QPB: Betrayers!? You betrayed us, you killed all those women and turned the noble pursuit of geekery into a shadow of what it once was.
GG: I was doing them a favour, save them from the pain, but I have a much better way now, oh yesssss. I will finish my work here and then return as the queen of all geeksssss
QPB: But what are you doing here, why are you doing all this.
GG: Probabilitiessssssss, soon all dice rolls will be critical hittttssss, I’ll be able to return and kill the planar dragon. And then a new utopia will be brought out, a golden age, under my guiding brilliant light
Statman: DAMNIT, I won’t let you do this, you’re messing with forces you don’t understand, until the great robot guardian Probabilatron gets back from holiday I am officially the guardian of probabilities, you might have control over the dice rolls but all over the city planes are crashing and pink elephants are crushing people, no mortal mind can hope to control probabilities.
Robin: Quick Statman, use your net-gain stat power to trap her.
Statman: Nice way to lose me the element of surprise Robin, but I think it’ll still work.
*some sort of net throwing sound*
GG: Damn you statman, I was about to comitt an act contrary to accepted rules of correct ethical behaviour
Statman: Comitt an act contrary to accepted rules of correct ethical behaviour……Or immorality?
Robin: I think they’re the same thing statman.
Statman: Damnit Robin, you contradict me one more time and I’m telling your parents!!!!!
Robin: But I’m on orphan statman
Statman: Don’t think I won’t exhume them!!!!!!
Robin: Ok I’ll be good.
GG: Your silly net thing won’t stop me, now face my power.
QPB: She’s casting fireball, don’t let her throw that dice.
GG: Hahaha, critical hit, goodbye statman.
*explosion sound*
Statman: urnggh must……..save……proba……..ungh
QPB: I won’t let you do this GeekGirl
*slap sound*
GG: You slapped me with a dice!!!!
QPB: Yes, I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DNDUEL.
GG: Challenge accepted you fool!!! I get a critical hit on every roll, you don’t stand a chance.
CGK: Sorry Quantum physics boy, if you can’t see the glory of Geek girls new world then I am no longer on your side, and besides you will only score critical misses you don’t stand a chance, *since this is radio and you are unable to see visuals the writers would like to point out that at this moment Computer Game Kid winks to Quantum physics boy in a way that suggests he is not actually betraying him at all but in fact has a plan* Here geek girl take all my dice, use them to increase your power, Destroy him with the most powerful spell in all DND, SoulSurge.
GG: Yessssss the most powerful spell in all DND, I’m sure there was some drawback but it matters not all my hits are criticals NOTHING CAN DEFEAT ME!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
SOULSURGE.
QPB: I’m sorry Geek girl you brought this on youself, I hope you kept 1 dice spare Computer game kid……NOW!!!!!
QPB + CGK: Planar Bolt!!!!!!
GG: What!? Where did you all go, wait a minute, the drawback on soulsurge, on criticals deals 10 damage to caster, but I critted with all my dice and most of Computer Game Kid’s, but that means that NOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
*explosion sound*
Robin: Wha……..What happened, where are we?
Statman: Oh. So NOW you want me to explain where we are.
QPB: When both me and Computer Game Kid critically missed our planar bolts it sucked us back to the present whilst GeekGirl destroyed herself.
Statman: so wait, the spod squad has DND powers for real?
QPB: Yes, but we swore never to use them again after Geek girl went mad, that’s why when we go to fight crime we only use our other powers and me and computer game kid do most of the fighting while GCSE geography project boy just colours stuff in a lot.
Statman: Well I guess probabilities are back to normal again now, another crime successfully solved.
Robin: But Statman, all you did was get shot by a fireball, surely Quantum physics boy saved the day.
Statman: Right that’s it! I warned you. *sound of digger* Mr and Mrs Robin, your son has been a very naughty boy.
Robin: Uhgh, you actually did it!
Statman: I sure did Robin, I sure did. And remember kids V^2 = U^2 + 1/2at
STATMAN STATMAN, WHEN THE HELPLESS CALL AND NATIONAL AVERAGES FALL THERES STATMAN