British Comedy Guide

Buying Bananas

I remember watching a film in school about banana production. It was quite warts and all for the genre and showed a man who had had his wing tore off by some sort of threshing machine.

Rather than chase him into the undergrowth he was kept on by the owners who put him to work placing the stickers on each bunch that was ready for shipping.

Even as a kid watching this man putting the stickers on I could sense he was over the moon to be kept on and worked with real pride.

I doubt he's still with us as the film was in the 70's and apart from the lost wing the poor sod looked very pasty for a native but since then I have only ever picked the banana with the sticker on. And do you know what it is always the best banana in the bunch and that's probably why it has the sticker on!

Wing?

Sorry we just call it a wing if a person loses an arm.

Threshing machine for banana production?

Ok this isn't going to well, I was 7 at the time and my knowledge of agricultural machinery was limited to basic tractors and threshing machines.

What ever the f**king thing was it was maiming more natives than the Conquistadors and it ran on diesel if that helps?

Sounds like a tractor.

I have my doubts as it never had any wheels and was in a large shed with little doors.

As such I am forced to identify the thing as a sugar cane mill having retrospectively guesstimated that the banana producers were also producing cane sugar.

To that end I have cut & pasted the process in the hope of clearing up any outstanding issues

Stems are usually harvested at the age of about 11-14 months. The stems are usually cut manually and are bundled to be taken to a sugar mill. Canes are shredded and crushed with heavy rollers to retrieve the juice which contains 10-20% sucrose. This juice, which is dull green and murky, is sieved to filter out some of the impurities.

The vast majority of cane sugar commercially produced today is known as 'centrifugal'. With this process, the pH is raised with lime and the mixture is heated to around 100 degrees centigrade for several hours. The lime causes suspended materials, proteins, waxes, and fats to separate out. Further impurities are allowed to settle in large containers and are removed from the bottom. This residue is known as filter-cake or press-mud. The clear juice is evaporated off to form crystals. Sugar crystals are separated from the molasses, or brown syrup, by centrifugation. The sugar produced in raw, and brown specialties are demerara and muscovado.

This raw brown sugar can be refined to produce white sugar, whch is almost 100 per cent sucrose. This usually happens in the country of import. Icing sugar is manufactured by pulverising refined sugar in a mill. It is mostly used for confectionery and for cakes, pastries and other baked products.

Non-centrifugal sugars include gur. Here sugar cane juice is heated over an open fire to give a thick, paste-like product.

e

i once had a boss who collected banana labels; he appeared on breakfast telly discussing his hobby and his smiling face adorned interviews in the tabloid press.

It of course goes without saying that behind his back his staff all referred to him as Bananaman.

We had a boss who started the firm up by using the money he won after being falsely imprisoned. He did about six years and it made him angry even after the payout.

So we called him 'The C**t of Monte Cristo'

>_<

I collected labels of a brand of marmalade and sent away for a badge that I'm not even allowed to say the word of anymore.

Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ April 16 2013, 4:51 PM BST

I collected labels of a brand of marmalade and sent away for a badge that I'm not even allowed to say the word of anymore.

I don't know how you cope with such oppression. ;)

I use to collect 'Commando' comics as a kid and was seriously considering changing my name by Deed Poll to ' Bren Gunner Thompson' as the man never left his post and was in every theatre of war.

In one edition alone he killed at least five hundred Japs and three editions later gave a very good account of himself when confronted by crack Waffen SS troops hell bent on porking a convent full of sexy nuns.

Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ April 16 2013, 4:51 PM BST

I collected labels of a brand of marmalade and sent away for a badge that I'm not even allowed to say the word of anymore.

Darkie? You can still find Darkie mints in Indonesia and Darkie toothpaste in China. Elsewhere it has been renamed Darlie. Sorry, that's not marmalade, is it. What was this taboo brand of citrus preserve?

Ken the company that made it was called Robinson's and they used a child's toy that was synonymous with slavery.

I also heard that Enid Blyton who also wrote about the same toy turned out to be a racist pedophile who may have been involved in the murder of both JFK and Martin Luther King, although I no have evidence to support this claim.

Share this page