TEENAGER DANIEL SITS IN HIS ROOM AT THE COMPUTER. HE IS WEARING A SUPERMAN OUTFIT. THE ROOM IS FILLED WITH SUPERHERO POSTERS, ACTION FIGURES ETC. HIS MOTHER ENTERS.
MOTHER:
Oh no, not Superman again. Your Irish exam is in two days Daniel!
DANIEL:
It's not Superman actually. I'm wearing glasses and look at my hair; I'm both Superman and Clark Kent at the same time. It's not often you see that.
MOTHER:
I don't want to see either of them. Come on Daniel, this test counts for 40% of your whole exam! Now (SPEAKING IRISH) Conas atá tu?
DANIEL:
Ta me Superman agus Clark Kent, Mummy.
MOTHER:
F**k it Daniel I asked you how you are not who you are! You have to get over this hero obsession. You're not Superman!
DANIEL:
I am Superman! Do not cross me or you will be on the receiving end of my awesome power.
MOTHER:
Daniel Robert Alexander how dare you speak to your mother like that!
DANIEL:
Daniel Robert Alexander...D.R. Alexander....D.R.X....You're right I'm not Superman, I'm Dr. X!
DANIEL BEGINS SHAVING HIS HAIR OFF.
DANIEL IS NOW SITTING ON THE BRANCH OF A TREE. HIS FRIEND BARRY IS TALKING UP TO HIM.
BARRY:
Hey Daniel, how did you get up there? Did you finally learn how to fly?
DANIEL:
No I'm not Superman anymore. I'm Dr. X.
BARRY:
Oh right. Dr. X doesn't live in a tree though.
DANIEL:
I know, I'm just trying to become as much like him as I can.
BARRY:
By sitting in a tree?
D
ANIEL:
No, by doing this.
HE LAUNCHES HIMSELF OUT OF THE TREE AND FALLS HELPLESSLY. A LOUD SCREAM CAN BE HEARD OUT OF SHOT.
DANIEL AND BARRY ARE NOW SITTING AT A TABLE IN A HALL. DANIEL IS IN A WHEELCHAIR AND BARRY IS DRESSED ALL IN BLUE WITH A BLUE MASK. DANIEL IS ADDRESSING AN AUDIENCE.
DANIEL:
Thank you very much for coming to the superhero auditions today. As you know I am Dr. X and I need no introduction but my partner needs one. He is an escape artist and is simply known as 'The Blue Barrel'. Called thusly as he was trapped in a barrel of blue when he was seven but managed to mount an escape. These days not a barrel can be made that will hold him; especially if it's blue.
We now need to assemble a highly skilled team that will fight crime and protect the innocent. MAY THE AUDITIONS BEGIN!!!
Okay sir who are you and what do you do?
MAN:
My name is Souperman. As in S-O-U-P erman. I carry the spoon of justice. They call me 'The Man of Stainless Steel'. I am half man, half starter.
DANIEL:
I've seen worse. Stand over there to the side.
SOUPERMAN MOVES TO THE RIGHT.
DANIEL: (TO BLUE BARREL)
The best so far. NEXT!
A MAN DRESSED AS A MONK STEPS UP.
DANIEL:
Who are you?
MONK:
I go by the name 'Brother Opposite' as I have many traits that differ from conventional monks. Such as my hair; Instead of having a ring of hair around my head and nothing on top I have a tuft of hair on top and nothing around the sides. I have vowed the live a life of luxury and I-
DANIEL:
So what's your superpower?
MONK:
I was getting around to that in my own pious way. It's the rope that holds my cassock together, it contains many powers.
HE BEGINS TO REMOVE THE ROPE FROM AROUND HIS WAIST.
VARIOUS:
Wow, hey, keep it on, No!
HE REMOVES THE ROPE BUT HIS CASSOCK REMAINS INTACT AND DOES NOT OPEN.
MONK: (HEROICALLY)
Safety pin! Now watch this... I can make a lasso out of the rope and catch things with it; I can also swing it while making a lasso and finally I can grip things with a lasso that I make.
DANIEL:
Nice, if slightly strange. NEXT!
MAN DRESSED IN WHAT LOOKS LIKE A MIXTURE OF NORMAL CLOTHING WITH A HINT OF A SUPERHERO COSTUME ABOUT IT. HALF A MASK, A BIT OF A CAPE, ONE SUPERHERO BOOT ETC.
HALF MAN:
I'm Mediocre Man, the slightly superhero. I am quite strong and I can run fairly fast. I came third in the 200 metre county final last year. If someone is say, robbing a bank I'll do my best to get there on time and try my hardest to overpower them. I have a very strong will and there is no greater power than that.
DANIEL:
Well there is but thank you anyway. NEXT!
AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN STANDS IN FRONT OF HIM IN SKIMPY SUPERHERO OUTFIT.
DANIEL:
Ah a girl, about time too. What's your name?
GIRL:
The name's 'She-Girl'. I am a girl but also a she depending how you structure the sentence. I also know over five martial arts....moves.
DANIEL:
You're in! You had me at hel-, you had me at your skimpy outfit-, and you-, you're definitely in. Next!
WEASELY LOOKING MAN.
DANIEL:
Who are you?
WEASEL:
I'm known as 'The Peppermint Eel'. I blow mint into the eyes of the enemy making their vision quite impaired. It can sometimes go down to below 20%.
DANIEL:
How do you do this?
THE PEPPERMINT EEL REVEALS A UTILITY BELT OF EXTRA CHEWING-GUM AROUND HIS WAIST.
THE INTERVIEW IS DISRUPTED BY A VOICE COMING FROM THE ROOF. A MAN IN A RED SUPERHERO OUTFIT CAN BE SEEN CROUCHED DOWN IN THE RAFTERS.
RED-SUITED MAN:
Not so fast!
DANIEL:
Not so fast with what?
RED-SUITED MAN:
With the interviews, I hate them.
DANIEL:
Who are you that would despise our endeavour so greatly?
RED-SUITED MAN:
They call me 'The Red-F**k'. Not only do I hate interviews, I really hate them. Almost as much as I hate superheroes so now this is going to happen.
THE RED-FUCK SETS FIRE TO THE BUILDING, LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY AND SCAMPERS OFF THROUGH THE RAFTERS.
THE WHOLE BUILDING IS ABLAZE AND ALL THE HEROES RUN OFF. IN THE FURORE DANIEL LOSES HIS WHEELCHAIR AND IS LEFT HELPLESS ON THE FLOOR.
DANIELS MOTHER ABEILS IN WEARING A SUPERHERO OUTFIT, GRABS DANIEL AND SWINGS OUT THE WINDOW TO SAFETY.
MOTHER:
They call me 'The Idiots Mother'. I pester my son about studying for his exams and have to save him from burning buildings after he purposefully breaks his own legs...
END.
