Important gig, need advice on opening lines

Hello guys! Sorry if there are any grammar errors. I'll do what I can, but I'm from eastern Europe.

What do you think of these opening lines? I'm fairly unexperienced (9 months into this whole comedy stuff). I'll be doing a gig in front of a larger audience for the first time and need some advice There are not many open-mikes here, so it's not possible to test them thoroughly and I wanted to know your opinion:

1)
- You may be not aware of it, but I can't see you because of the stage lighting.
I hope you really are there and this applause was not played from tape.

Actually, I can see, like first 5 rows, so I'm gonna talk to them and the rest of you can use your pee-break.

2)
[The next one is language-specific, but tell me what you think. "To heat up the atmosphere" is a Polish idiom for increasing excitement]
- Global warming.
[PAUSE]
I just wanted to heat up the atmosphere.

3)
[This one worked pretty well in a small club. I go on stage and smile showing my huge front teeth and a gap between them, while they're applauding. However, I worry if it will work in front of larger audience (approx. 650 people) because they may not be able to see my teeth well. Also, I'll be unknown to 99% of the audience.]
- One look at my teeth and you're probably wondering: who let this beaver on stage?

I am 23 years old and still hope my lateral incisors will grow someday. This gap will disappear and people will stop mistaking me for a vending machine.

4)
[As I mentioned I'm unknown to 99% percent of people. They're gonna introduce me by my very strange surname which could be translated to english as "Badroof".

- The funny thing is, I could be thin, fat, short, tall or look like <insert Polish celebrity name here> and you're first thought's always gonna be:
"What the f*** is wrong with this guy's surname?"

I could literally get on stage carried by four dwarves, wearing a scuba-diving suit with a hair-dryer in my hand and you're still gonna be like:
"Hmmmm, this guy has a little bit weird surname."

Yeah, my name's Badroof.
I don't know much about my ancestors, but I feel like they may have f*** up some important project.

That's all for now, I hope someone helps me here Cheers.

1) doesn't work for me, at all. 2) isn't really idomatic in English, I'm afraid, so it feels stretched.

I think a variation of 3) running into 4) might work (not that I know anything about standup, mind). Of course, as you probably know the other cliche about the Polish is that they do all the basic contracting work in the UK, so the joke coudl be "No matter what I look like, I guarantee 90% of you will be thinking 'What the f**k's up with his name?'...the other 10% will be thinking 'How much to tile the bathroom?'"

Edit: Oh, I've just realised that you may not have said you were Polish or that this gig is in the UK. 650 is a big crowd, so very best of luck with it!

Yeah man, I didn't clarify it. The gig is in Poland and I perform in Polish.
Like you said, 650 is a big crowd. And I'm only 9 months into this stuff. This is the situation in a country, where stand-up is still not popular and non-existent in minds of many people. There is some demand in my city, but almost no supply, so we advance very quickly.

I just thought this message board is a good place to get some critique, because no-one in Poland knows anything about stand-up comedy.

Yeah, my apologies, I misread your post, I thought you wrote "My name sounds like Badroof". Sloppy of me, I'll concede.

Anyway, I stil think 3 & 4 are the best openers.