Rejected newsjack sketch: Jackie Pryce jury

Hi all,

I thought I'd put a few of my unselected newsjack sketches, in a bid to figure out what I'm doing wrong. Any help or critique appreciated, be gentle, this was my first go....

JUSTIN: With the jury in the Vicky Pryce points case being discharged for having unreasonable doubts over the meaning of the phrase 'reasonable doubt', we're hearing news that in Europe, another jury is having difficulty....

GRAM: 'TE DEUM' (THE EUROVISION SONG CONTEST THEME)
IRISH SPOKESPERSON: And finally 12 points go to Belgium!

FX: CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
HOST: Thank you Dublin, now we go over the Irish Sea to London where the United Kingdom jury are waiting to give their votes, London come in please?
UK SPOKESPERSON: Er, hi, yes, this is London calling....
HOST: Hello London, may we have your votes please?
UK SPOKESPERSON: Yes, we were just wandering, can we vote for a song that hasn't taken part in the contest?
HOST: Sorry?
UK SPOKESPERSON: Well it's just that there a song we all like that we heard yesterday, can we vote for that instead?
HOST: No, only the songs you heard tonight.
UK SPOKESPERSON: Oh. Well can we infer anything from songs that haven't been presented to us?
HOST: No. It's your job to vote only on the songs presented in front of you.
UK SPOKESPERSON: Well, can we speculate on who will win next year?
HOST: Please, just stick to this years contest.
UK SPOKESPERSON: Can we vote for that dancing bit in the middle?
HOST: That was the interval act.
UK SPOKESPERSON: Oh. Can you define what you mean by "12 points"?
HOST: It's where the number of points is equal to 12. It's not difficult!
UK SPOKESPERSON: Oh. Can you call us back?

JUSTIN: Of course that will never happen. Belgium would never get 12 points.

END

And another one....

FX: TELEPHONE RINGING
HAIRDRESSER: Good morning, UpperCuts?

CUSTOMER: Oh hello there, I've got an appointment for a cut and blow dry at 10am, but I'd like to cancel it please.

HAIRDRESSER: Oh that's a shame, can I ask why?

CUSTOMER: Well I was looking on the HM customs website, and it says you owed 43 pence in tax.

HAIRDRESSER: Oh that. Yes well there a small oversight, but it's all sorted now, I can still do your hair.

CUSTOMER: I know, but it's just, it's not just Customs that are naming and shaming.

HAIRDRESSER: Well what else is there?

CUSTOMER: The Health and Safety website says that you were once spotted running with scissors.

HAIRDRESSER: Pardon?!

CUSTOMER: And, the DSA says that you failed your driving test four times, the DVLA says that you once thought about driving onto a bus lane but decided not to, and the Benefits agency said you once had a geology graduate sweeping up hair to get her job seekers allowance.

HAIRDRESSER: Well I didn't know they were doing that!

CUSTOMERS: Well I don't want my hair done by a business with such a loose regard for our tax system. I'm going to spend my morning in Starbucks instead.

END

Quite liked the Vicky Pryce sketch, nice play on often overcomplicated legal/news speak. But I think it needs developing further, it lacks punch.

The eurovision sketch is okay but a little long winded for the punchline you've provided in my opinion.

Your third sketch (I feel) again, lacks a decent punchline.
It seems to drag on a little too long as you refer to elements that are unrelated to the punchline. Perhaps this is the problem?

If I might be so bold;
Just have the customer being snooty and requesting an explanation about the tax affairs of the hair dressers.

As the interrogation continues the hairdresser becomes shocked at the revelations.
Perhaps the hairdresser decides to quit the hairdressers for a company that has their tax affairs in order in absolute outrage at what she has just heard.

"I know, I'll apply for that brand new Starbucks across the road..."

Just a suggestion from a fellow newbie.

Thanks for the feedback, but there's only two sketches, the eurovision bit is part of the Vicky Pryce sketch.

I know what you mean though, my problem is I can think of a funny concept e.g. Wouldn't it be funny if the incompetent jury for the Vicky Pryce trial ended up judging the eurovision and not quite getting what they have to do, but then carrying it on or coming up with a funny ending is always difficult.

Similarly the hairdresser sketch was based the on idea of revenue and customs naming and shaming small level tax evaders, and what would happen if other government departments started naming and shaming for stupid things e.g. Running with scissors. But it probably shows, I can thing of an amusing concept, but can't carry it on to the end...

Punchlines are much harder than setups, you're quite right.

I see where the 1st is going, but didn't really enjoy it, I'm afraid. the 2nd I like, but I would have left it at "running with scissors", that seems like a perfectly neat line to get out on.

Cheers thanks for that! I think I carried on after running with scissors in a pointless attempt at utilising the comedy rule of three....

Aha! My apologies, I misread it. It makes a little more sense now.

Like Gappy says, punchlines just don't come easy, you can't rush them. I find a gestation period helps stir up some solutions. Just don't leave it too long!

Here's one more I did, although I realise this was on a very esoteric news item:

JUSTIN: The Medical Schools Council have admitted that the new exam designed to allocate medical students to their first jobs as doctors, has been marked incorrectly, leading to job offers being rescinded, and the very real threat of some new doctors having no job to go to.

FX: DOOR KNOCKING

CAREERS ADVISER: Oh hello Dr Stevens, please sit down. (PAUSE)

DR STEVENS: Thank you, is everything ok?

CAREERS ADVISER: Yes, fine. Well sort of. There's been a problem with the scores from the recent exams.

DR STEVENS: Oh really? Well I scored quite highly, I shouldn't be affected by this should I?

CAREERS ADVISER: It turns out you didn't score as highly as you thought.

DR STEVENS: But I've still got my post at Guys and Kings haven't I?

CAREERS ADVISER: I'm afraid not.

DR STEVENS: Well how badly did I do?

CAREERS ADVISER: Try not to think of it like doing badly, try to....

DR STEVENS: (ANGRY) How, badly, did, I, do?!

CAREERS ADVISER: We're sending you to Holby City.

DR STEVENS: Holby City?! But that's a TV show!

CAREERS ADVISER: (EXCITEDLY) I know, you'd only work one hour a week on a Tuesday evening, there's a plentiful supply of pretty nurses and if you're really good you can do an extra hour over on the Saturday slot in Casualty.

DR STEVENS: But I can't act!

CAREERS ADVISER: Neither can anyone else there, I wouldn't see that as an issue really.

DR STEVENS: No. I don't want to go there, I want a proper hospital.

CAREERS ADVISER: Well there is one more post available.

DR STEVENS: Well what is it?

CAREERS ADVISER: It's in Australia.

DR STEVENS: Australia?! That sounds great!

CAREERS ADVISER: Good, because you see one of the doctors from Neighbours is leaving....

DR STEVENS: NO!

END

Hi Pete
To put my advice in context, I've only just started submitting myself and so far with no luck but just to mention a couple of things I've taken on board from advice of more experienced people.

Always include an intro to help explain the story. If they think it's not needed they can always remove it. The first time of my reading your second sketch I felt it suffered a little from the premise not being fully clear to me upfront, and when I re-read it I enjoyed it a lot more off the back of that extra knowledge. It may have been me being a bit dense in not picking up straight away what the story was but there will be plenty of listeners who aren't fully concentrating and want it spelt out for them. This intro should always include a joke.

Be as tight as possible with your dialogue. There are a couple of occasions where you could use less words but make the same point, particularly when it's just a linking line rather than a joke line. For instance:
"Thank you Dublin, now we go over the Irish Sea to London where the United Kingdom jury are waiting to give their votes, London come in please?"
can simply become:
"And now for the UK votes".

That said, I think you're definitely on the right track and I enjoyed all 3 sketches.

Thanks,that's very kind of you to say, and yes I know I use to many words, in the holby city sketch I realised it would be funnir and more snappy to say "that's the best part, no one can!" rather than "Neither can anyone else there, I wouldn't see that as an issue really."

Fingers crossed for The Show What You Wrote...