Best Porridge quotes or scene

I liked these ones I did.

Fletch: Advice to the lovelorn, you want, is it, Warren? Compose an appropriate reply?
Warren: No, it's simpler than that, Fletch. I just want you to read it to me.

What's your favourite quote or scene?
Here is another.

Barrowclough: You're writing a book?

Fletch: Yeah - a sort of inside guide to prison life. But don't worry, I've not overlooked your boys in blue - I will be dealing just as much with your issues as those of our fellow felons.

Barrowclough: Oh, good. And what are you going to call this book?

Fletch: Don't Let The Bastards Grind You Down.

Mackay sees Fletch and some of his mates passing by. Each one has a ball in his hands.

Mackay: Wait a minute, what have you men got there?
Fletch: Balls, Mr. Mackay.
Mackay: Why are they different sizes?
Fletch: That's life, sir.

*All inmates laughing*

Are you now, or have you ever been a practising homosexual?
What with these feet?

You see that glass over there; I want you to fill it for me.
What from here?

I read a book once. Green it was.

Mind how you go.

Quote: Billy Bunter @ April 5 2013, 10:11 PM BST

I read a book once. Green it was.

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Kills me everytime

Quote: Billy Bunter @ April 5 2013, 10:11 PM BST

You see that glass over there; I want you to fill it for me.
What from here?

View original

Not sure why, but that always cracks me up.

'I'm not one of your wishy washy liberals. I harbour grudges.'

And the bit where Fletch is answering Godber's question, 'what are loins?'

Fletch (to some of the inmates): "I don't quite know how to put this, gentlemen, but there is a thief among us".

Fletch - "Do you know who made our raspberry blamange last week? Riggs and he's in here for poisoning"

Godber - "did he really?"

Fletch - "Yeah he's a cause celeb in his home town Newcastle under Lyme, come to think of it most his relatives are under lyme now"

Godber - "Is that why they call him arsenic Riggs?"

Fletch - "oh no, that's because he once sat on a razor blade"