NJ SKETCH: CYPRUS BANK ADVERT
JUSTIN:
A bailout-related levy on bank deposits in Cyprus over the weekend
had customers drawing money out of ATMs faster than Chris Huhne
offloading speeding points. One bank is trying its best to lure them
back with some unusual tactics...
NARRATOR:
(LOUD CHEERFUL CYPRIOT VOICE)
Afraid you'll lose all your money to thieving E.U. bureaucrats?
Then open an account with the new People's Bank of Cyprus.
Our interest rates are so high your cherished nest egg will shrink in
size much more slowly than it would in banks that co-operate fully
with the government. But I hear your asking: How can you stop them?
They're the government. Well, they can't levy money they can't find,
and we have many years of experience hiding money for dodgy Russian
businessmen. And they don't tolerate failure well.
(LOW) I mean that - if you ever can't find me, call the police immediately.
(CHEERFUL AGAIN) So where will we put your money? In the bank vault?
Of course not - that's the first place the government would look.
It's already been changed to a break room. Instead, we'll put your money
in a waterproof bag inside the toilet cistern, or under a loose floorboard
only I know about, or, if you choose the Platinum Savers Account, I will hid
it on my person so well only the most intimate search will reveal it.
Some of our branches don't even look like banks. If you see a new
ice-cream van, that might just be us--Uh-oh, here come some
government regulators. Why is one of them putting on a rubber glove?
Oh no. Oh no. OH NO. (SCREAMS).
END