Kirrin Island - One Liners Submissions April 2013

Please use this thread to submit one-liners for the April 2013 episode of Live From Kirrin Island.

Please say which section your one liner(s) are being submitted for - Intros, Kwitter or Enid Blyton News. (An example of the three types of one-liner we're after is given below.) And while you can post many one-liners to the thread we'd recommend selecting only your best ones and sending those in.

If we like your one-liners we'll be in touch to ask you what name you'd like to appear on the credits.

More information on writing for Live From Kirrin Island can be found in Writing Opportunities: https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/27013/

We use three formats of one-liners in Kirrin Island:

The first is for the show intro. We have a host who welcomes people to the Island each episode and in it they describe recent events there. Remember these need to be about Kirrin Island, although the stories may sound very familiar:

"At Kirrin Island Airport body scanners have been scrapped. Now if we want to see pictures of unsuspecting holidaymakers naked we'll have to look in French Magazines"

The second is a stream of comments from the island Kwitter social media site. It's great if these 'Kweets' have an (in)appropriate #hashtag at the end that gets an extra laugh. The best ones reflect the type of person/character saying them rather than just being a straight-up gag so always flag up what type of person is saying them if it matters.

"I don't actually think the world is going to end next Friday, but if anyone knows any girls who do ... "

The third is a new one, the Enid Blyton news. What would the author, or indeed her characters, make of world events? It will be read by someone with boundless enthusiasm and unquenchable optimism, so what would her take be on the news? If you can make it all about smuggling, picnics and ginger beer great but it could even just have a passing mention to her work.

"Nick Ross, the man who has solved almost as many crimes as the Famous Five, has made a 34m profit from his house. I suppose it must have gone through many reconstructions."

Kwitter:

Greg Dyke has been named chairman of the Football Association. Just what football needs, more Bruce Forsyth. #GoodGameGoodGame

Kwitter:

There are too many different types of greetings cards these days, if I didn't buy a card for my Mum on Mother's Day, I'm hardly likely to buy one for a rabbit at Easter.

Kwitter:

RACIST FOOTBALL FAN:
So you can celebrate a goal with a clenched fist, but not with a straightened arm? I'm telling you, it's one rule for Nazis, another for communists!

ACTOR:
I know what's it like to be robbed of ten per cent. It's why I ditched my agent!

I hope they do crack down on sexual billboards. For the sake of my car insurance!

STAY-AT-HOME MUM:
I wish Dick Legg was a stay-at-home dad. It'd be beneficial to both us AND his children!

Instructions on clothing labels will soon be written in twenty-three different languages. Thank Christ for scissors.

What's great about three person IVF, is that each dad will only have to pay half as much child support. #Deadbeat

Intro:

According to an article in the New York Daily News, plastic surgeons in America have been repeatedly asked by female customers for Kate Middleton's nose. Many other royal facial features are also available, unless you're looking for a new chin.

Apparently obese cardiac patients are less likely to die than those of a healthy weight. Has anyone considered that lazy surgeons might just try harder so that they're not responsible for moving the body?

A player for an Athens football team has caused outrage after celebrating a goal with a Nazi salute. So it's not just money the Greeks have been borrowing from Germany.

A comedian has been charged after putting on a Manchester City shirt and sneaking onto the pitch to warm up with the team. Another joker posing as a professional football player in the West Ham game has since been identified as Andy Carroll.

Kwitter

[TOWIE GIRL] I think that Colorado Sheriff fella is right to say he won't bother to enforce the new magazine-limit bill. It's like well unfair. Some weeks I get Heat, Closer, and Hello.

Isn't it a little ironic that since there are now technically two popes, the Catholic Church is a two father family?

[OLD CONSERVATIVE MAN] Miliband is a jolly fool to talk about a decade of decline. There is simply no foundation in fact for such optimism.

I think it's right that Chris Huhne has been moved to a comfortable open prison after just seven days in Wandsworth. It seems fairly fitting since he had an open marriage.

Really don't know why so much fuss is being made over that Book Of Mormon show. Huge disappointment and nothing like the original. It wasn't even set in Moominvalley.

Kwitter:

TEACHER:
Whenever I'm faced with a disruptive pupil, I go to the opticians.

SEXIST MAN:
Female criminals don't belong in prison. But they do deserve to be chained to the kitchen sink.

I've got an EastEnders paedophile ring. I wear it 24/7.

Who cares if this ends up being a 'lost decade'? I mean, what would we call it - 'the 2010s'?

Hi guys - a few reheats for your consideration:

(Enid) Can someone please tell Beatrix Potter that we had Peter Rabbit at our house yesterday and we thought he was simply lovely. A sprig of rosemary and a bay leaf really brings out the flavour #Sorrykids

(Russian) Hello Islanders! New resident Manny Lodsov from Cyprus here! Listen guys, if you need money, you just gotta ask. I have old Mercedes you can have - I no longer use it because ashtray is full.

This is The Cosmos, yeah?, with a message for 'the scientists'?: Excuse me, but who are you to say that I am 'inherently unstable'?! You don't know me! You don't know anything about me! #F***youCox

I got this new dog, right, that doesn't just attack other dogs - it leaves them bleeding and ignores their cries for help. It's a Mid-Staffordshire bull terrier. #Pleaseeuthaniseme

You don't have to be mad to work at Kirrin Island Town Council, but if you are, you will be treated fairly and with dignity in line with our ongoing commitment to equality and diversity in the workplace. #PCliterallygonemad

Sorry. Some people saw our tweet 'looking for dick in municipal car park' and thought we'd found Richard II on the island. We're just doggers, honest. #Towncouncilrecreationcommittee

Don't get the Google Glass. Save your money, and get the Amstrad Glass. It's not quite as good, but you can send a fax from your glasses ... or a telegraph message.

I just wanted to say how much I think we all look forward to seeing Chris Huhne come out of prison in eight months bloody butt unbowed #spellingjokesdontworkonradioalthouthactuallymaybeifwedothepausesrightitwillbeok

Kwitter:

YOUNG MAN:
I hope they don't bring in a curfew for young drivers. Otherwise I'll have to start getting taxis home from the pub.

I wish Matt Lucas would keep schtum about his new silent comedy.

Intros:

In these days of abbreviated names, now that Benedict XVI is not Pope anymore, he will simply be referred to as "Nope."

INTROS
Business owners across Kirrin Island have been rolling their eyes in despair during the recent cyberspace go slow, made worse by employees arriving late for work with the excuse - 'sorry, but I got stuck in traffic on Google Chrome'

A dyslexic woman inadvertently started uproar amongst Christians when she Kweeted the latest food chain scandal 'Curry houses serving God meat'.

Kirrin Island locals were crushed with disappointment when the error on a sign in the chemist shop window was corrected and they realised the pope would not be attending to perform circus stunts after all, still, they did get 20% off the 'soap on a rope'.

KWEETS
Poor Dionne Warwick has had to file for bankruptcy to the tune of £6.6 million pounds; what a professional....a song for every occasion #IHeartBurtBacharach

ENID BLYTON
Scientists have found no conclusive proof that eating chocolate causes spots; the Famous Five have been celebrating the good news by having a walnut whip round to buy more supplies for their stash.

Intros:
Diego Maradona has been told to shut up and go back to what he does best, basketball.
The Vatican has introduced an age of consent, you have to be under sixteen.
The Bible says 'Love your neighbour', three thousand priests moved next to a Kindergarten.
Forty percent of teens use pornography because they are frustrated and alone and unable to communicate. The rest just like masturbating.
The BBC has apologised for relying on repeats. If you missed their apology you can see it again tomorrow, the day after that and all through next week.
Taylor Swift's 'We are never ever ever getting back together', hailed as a feminist anthem, was written by her legs.
The BBC has accused David Beckham of over-exposure, he'll be on the BBC to talk about it later.
Bad news: One Direction have announced that after arguments, bickering and inter-group rivalry, they're still not splitting up.
A man has balanced a clock on one hand, a watch on the other, then a cuckoo clock on the first hand and Big Ben on the other. He says he has too much time on his hands.
You never know who your friends are. Unless you're on Facebook, there's a list.
Lady Gaga has warned fans they may find some of her next video inoffensive.

Intro:

Kirrin Island bank will remain closed this week. Anybody seeking cash can speak to Dmitry who will be behind ASDA in his Mercedes.

Bah I'm no good at deciding which section some things should be in... but I'll try.

Kwitter

The scratch'n'sniff drugs cards from the KI police are perfect for writing your name on when labelling your possessions #hashtag

Kirrin Island schools have banned triangular flapjacks far too late for some - I got hit in the eye with one last week #CantSeeThePoint...Anymore

(Northern) I see marine biologists have found that Mariana Trench teemin' wit' bacteria an' microbes. No surprise - I knew her when she were plain Mary Trench an' she always were a dirty one.

Can't say I'm surprised at government plans to pay just 20% of childcare costs - I'm a mother of five and even I can't stand four of them.

I hope this new press regulation doesn't apply to books as well - I've always used an encyclopedia to do my dried flowers

Did you see the Turin Shroud live on Italian TV? The Catholic church really is in trouble when the pope's on Cash In The Attic.

Plans to open a cat cafe in Devon have been opposed as being too stressful Too right it's stressful - cats never have the right change

Enid Blyton News

Researchers have claimed children should be allowed to get bored to encourage their creativity, leading Kirrin Island authorities to ban picnics, pirates and ginger beer.
Cripes - not ginger beer! That's a step too far. Although I'm already feeling very creative about what should be done to whoever came up with that idea.

Introductions

Recently it was announced that millions may be at risk from dangerous home appliances. So it's not just me who's fallen asleep in front of the TV and woken to find it watching 'The Terminator'. Again.

I've been liking facebook pages that I actually dislike just to stop anyone profiling me. So far I've liked anti-gay groups, collections of fairytales and fancy dress shops. The only downside is I've been asked to be Kirrin Island's new archbishop.

Kwitter

(Archbishop) If the government isn't persecuting Christians, why is Easter only 23 hours this year?

Kwitter

(5 year old) Happy Birthday, Jesus. Thanks for the Chocolates.

INTROS

Due to the popularity of the new 111 non-emergency phone line, Kirrin council is rolling out several more helplines. For ballet class injuries, dial tutu-two. For soccer injuries, dial four-four-two. For obesity concerns, call ate-ate-ate. To report a desperate gang of eastern European health tourists about to make their getaway from Kirrin Community Hospital, please mayday to the mainland by running the Union Jack up your flagpole to receive a prompt response from a Daily Mail journalist.

Cash-strapped Kirrin Council, the current leading authority for the repair of pot holes and for junior fitness levels, has denied any connection between the recent spate of missing children and dogs and the merging of its highways and outdoor activities departments.

Kirrin's answer to Red Nose Day is usually to look the other way and pretend it hasn't any spare change, but this year we decided to push the boat out and hold a deep sea treasure hunt. Despite Posh Spice putting in an appearance, organisers were disappointed not to have raised a more impressive chest, but are confident they can get Holly Willoughby to guest present next year's event.

Kirrin's popular social media messaging service is still struggling to attract any high-profile users. Peter Mandelson, Gordon Brown, Iain Duncan Smith, Barack Obama and Charles Kennedy have all been reported as saying they are not kwitters and never will be.

KWITTERS:

(Posh woman) Of course I was thrilled to learn that our ancient family treasure had been dug up from a locked dungeon underneath the Manor House, although naturally I'd assumed Nanny had been on duty up in the nursery for the last twenty years. #wheresthenumberforthateasterneuropeanstaffagency

Has anyone else spotted Bill Bryson travelling round our small island and taking notes for his next best-seller? It's going well, but apparently he is having trouble thinking up an original title.
#readoneyouvereadthemall

ENID BLYTONS

The news that Kirrin Island ferry is being forced to wear a high visibility vest during crossings turned out to be a jolly April the First jape. It didn't fool old Bert, the Lighthouse Keeper; he said he saw it coming a mile off.

We've been awfully worried about the gas shortage, but then last night emergency supply tankers docked in Kirrin Bay, so we had a super street party and everyone was waving flags and cheering like mad - cos it meant we could have the fizz back in our lemonade and ginger beer.

I'm so excited about my latest Famous Five adventure story. This time they tackle a nasty gang of oil pirates who're secretly drilling underneath Kirrin's old biscuit factory and it's going to be called Five Go Fracking Crackers.

Our children aren't going to learn anything by watching teachers striking for another day. They already know the best way to start a fire is with the sun and a magnifying glass.

People thought there'd been another pope elected when they saw smoke billowing from the top of Kirrin Castle ruins. But it was only those show-offs the Secret Seven trying to draw attention to themselves.