JUSTIN:
The Daily Mail is like a dead skunk. Odious; repulsive and yet impossible to resist looking at.
Indeed, it is precisely these dubious qualities which have helped it win best website at the Press Awards; for the third year running.
ATMOS. COOKERY SHOW
PAUL:
Hello, and welcome to 'Cooking up a Storm' with me - Paul Dacre.
In tonight's show, we're going to be looking at how to bake a successful news website.
Now, this isn't as hard as it sounds. All you need is courage; determination and the ability to annoy several demographics at once.
Right, without any further ado, let's take a look at the ingredients.
Okay, so firstly - you're going to need a bit of racism. But it can only be a BIT - I'm afraid - otherwise, you'll have one of those politically correct quangos on your back.
Next, we have xenophobia. Now, with this - you can be a bit more liberal - but only in terms of quantity.
After that, we of course have misogyny. Now, the great thing about misogyny is that you can get really creative with it. Just remember - if it's likely to offend a feminist - publish it!
And our final ingredient is that old favourite - BBC bashing. Now, with this one - substance really does take a back seat.
Okay, so when you've got all of those ingredients lined up, you want to just stick them into a bowl - in no particular order - and give them a nice good stir.
Now, as a final touch before you pop it in the oven - you might like to add a small dollop of excrement. Or as he's better known - Richard Littlejohn!