Itchy Finger Sketch

Int. Doctor's Surgery

A man is sat opposite is his doctor

Doctor:
So, what seems to be the problem?

Man:
For the past couple of weeks I've had a really itchy fingernail. I thought, maybe, it might be a fungus.

Doctor:
Ok, to diagnose this, I'm going to ask you to pull a piece of paper from this hat.

The doctor produces a bowler hat from underneath his desk.

Man:
I'm sorry?

Doctor:
Oh! I should have explained! Due to funding cuts, the local health authority can't afford to pay me for my medical opinion anymore. Therefore, the hat decides.

Man:
Oh I see!

The man pulls a piece of paper from the hat and gives it to the doctor.

Doctor:
It appears that you have, in fact, suffered a massive brain haemorrhage.

Man:
Really? I mean, I did have a headache the other week, but... oh dear...

Doctor:
The good news is we can treat it, but you'll need to step up to the oche.

The doctor leads to a dart board.

Doctor:
Basically, each number relates to a specific treatment.

The doctor hands the man a dart. The man hits 18 in the black. The doctor picks up a piece of paper.

Doctor:
Ah, black 18: you'll be left bedridden in a filthy hospital corridor for several weeks where you'll suffer a painful, lonely death.

Man:
Crikey! Still, I suppose we all have to go at some point!

Doctor:
I'll get an ambulance to take you down there.

Man:
Have I got time to go and say goodbye to my wife?

Doctor:
Let's see what the magic 8 ball has to say about that!

The doctor picks up a magic 8 ball which he shakes and looks into.

Doctor:
We'll send her a letter.

ENDS

very good

again lose some of the description

but this is very funny and an excellent idea, which takes it weirdness seriously

are you sending some of these to the new radio 4 stuff?

Thanks, Sooty. It does seem a bit wordy due to the long descriptions, I agree.

No, not sending these anywhere. I'm still getting back into the swing of things at the moment.

Great idea. I think it needs a few rewrites and maybe more banter between the two characters. But the best one so far.

well this one is damns close enough to send.

C'mon just edit it a little.

agree with above just a few tweaks and ready. I really like that it's three different things to determine his future rather than just the same thing repeated. Maybe if your sending it to The Show What You Wrote, or whatever it's called, make the three things more audio friendly?

This is really funny.

I like it. A lot.

Thanks for the comments, folks! Most appreciated.

I can't see that it fits in with any of the themes for that Radio 4 show, so I'll sit on this for a more suited opportunity.

Ben, do you have an itchy finger/fungal infection?

Very good stuff. Not sure the funding cuts approach makes any sense, perhaps it coudl just be "new NHS protocol", and just keep the logic weird.

Quote: gappy @ March 3 2013, 2:06 PM GMT

Very good stuff. Not sure the funding cuts approach makes any sense, perhaps it coudl just be "new NHS protocol", and just keep the logic weird.

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Oh, I agree with this. It could even just be out of boredom on the Doctors part.

Good stuff, Ben. Nice to see you back in the game.