NJ: Foreign Doctors' Language Test

NB Both the characters in this sketch can be played by an actor of either sex.

JUSTIN INTRO: Ministers announced this week that foreign doctors from within the EU will now have to pass an English language test before they are allowed to work in the NHS. It is not yet known what form this test will take, but if it's a written exam, as with all medical school exams, handwriting will be taken into account - the candidate will lose marks if it's too legible. Alternatively, the test could be taken orally. Three times a day, preferably with a meal. It could go something like this....

FX Knock on the door

EXAMINER: Hello?

FX Door opens

DOCTOR: Good morning. I am Doctor Beckenbauer. I have come for my
English language test, so I can work in the NHS?

EXAMINER: Ah, yes. Please sit down. I'm just going to ask you a few questions about vocabulary and so forth. First question: What's that thing that junior doctors usually have hanging round their neck?

DOCTOR: £70,000 of student debt?

EXAMINER: I shouldn't really be telling you this, but you've got off to a good start. Now, what is a drip?

DOCTOR: Ed Miliband?

EXAMINER: No, I mean in a health context.

DOCTOR: Ah! Sorry. Jeremy Hunt.

EXAMINER: Are you familiar with CPR?

DOCTOR: Not really. To be honest with you, I'm more of an Arsenal fan.

EXAMINER: So you don't associate CPR with hearts?

DOCTOR: Of course not! They play on opposite sides of Scotland.

EXAMINER: When might you use Temazepam?

DOCTOR: When I'm icing te Christmas cake?

EXAMINER: (cough) It's something mental....

DOCTOR: Putting icing on top of fruitcake? Yes, I agree!

EXAMINER: Right. Perhaps I'd better go back to basic stuff. Do you know
what a "patient" is?

DOCTOR: My boots.

EXAMINER: Your boots?

DOCTOR: Yes. Like, "My boots is made of patient leather."

EXAMINER: O...K...And could you define "accountability"?

DOCTOR: Hmmm...Is he a friend of a Count-a Dracula? No, I'm afraid this one I do not know.

EXAMINER: Thank you very much, Doctor Beckenbauer.

DOCTOR: I've failed, haven't I?

EXAMINER: Well, yes, I'm afraid so. With your level of English, I can't allow you to work as a doctor in this country.

DOCTOR: I thought not...

EXAMINER: You don't know anything about medicine, you think patients are something you'd find on your shoe and you don't understand the meaning of the word "accountability"...forget being a doctor - you could be an NHS chief executive.

I think this could be tighter for instance the intro seems too long. I think intros wrok best when they address the story have a joke then go straight to sketch. I imagine they got a lot of sketches like this, in terms of a doctor taking the test so to stand out would be difficult

I like this, reminds me of the Marx Brothers - the intro needs editing a bit, as blahblah says.

I really like this one, it made me laugh and you can never have enough puns. A little tightening and I think you've a good sketch.

I'd shorten the intro a lot, perhaps even change it as the jokes in it aren't as good as the ones in the main sketch.
I'd remove one or two of the weaker jokes from the middle (patient leather for me would go)

But other than that, nice work!

Thanks very much for taking the time to leave feedback, blahblah, beaky and Stephen. It's really helpful. Yes, in retrospect I can see this needed more editing and in future I need to give more thought to the Intro, rather than just tacking it on as an afterthought.