NJ SKETCH: GOODPATIENTS
PATIENT:
What's the diagnosis, Doctor?
DOCTOR:
These rundown feelings you're having are nothing
more than the ordinary stress of modern living.
You're fine. (ODDLY LOUD) So go home and live
your life, while we get on with the business of clearing
our backlog of hip replacements for the voting elderly.
PATIENT:
This is wonderful news--
DOCTOR:
(HUSHED) Look, you didn't hear this from me, but
you may have cancer.
PATIENT:
Cancer!
DOCTOR:
(LOUD) Cancer? Who said anything about cancer?
What I said was "Can Sir drop his pants for the cough
test".
PATIENT:
I'm a woman.
DOCTOR:
So you are. And a very healthy one at that.
(VERY LOUD) Which is a good thing because treating
tricky gynaecologic carcinomas ties up hospital
resources without significantly improving our
performance measures. How about some soothing
music to ease your clinically-normal stress?
F/X: NOISY UN-SOOTHING MUSIC.
DOCTOR:
(HUSHED) You must go. Even the walls have ears.
PATIENT:
Are you scared of your NHS managers?
DOCTOR:
No, of course not-(LOSING IT) Yes! You don't know
what these monsters are capable of. See my thumb?
PATIENT:
No?
DOCTOR:
Precisely. And that was just for ordering a blood draw.
PATIENT:
What about your Hippocratic oath?
DOCTOR:
I hate it when people bring that up. (SIGHS) You're
right. I'll order some tests. We'll figure this out...
***
PATIENT:
Thanks for seeing me again so soon, Doctor-what
happened?
DOCTOR:
Em? I fell. In the shower. Onto a knuckleduster. Your
tests reveal a mild iron deficiency easily fixed by diet.
PATIENT:
Phew! I was so worried this might be more serious-
F/X: THUGS ENTERING WITH SWINGING CHAINS.
PATIENT:
Who are they?
DOCTOR:
Unfortunately, you already know too much.
PATIENT:
No! I'll keep quiet. I promise-AAAAGGHHHHH!
END
