NJ SKETCH: DRUNK MICE
JUSTIN:
Scientists in the United States have developed a
magic pill that instantaneously sobers up intoxicated
mice. And we're lucky enough to have one of the
researchers involved here with us. Can you tell us
how it works?
RESEARCHER:
I don't know. Do you have a PhD in molecular
biology?
JUSTIN:
No.
RESEARCHER:
Then I guess I can't. But, if you like, I can string
together a few sentences to give the illusion of
understanding to people who don't know any better.
JUSTIN:
Okay.
RESEARCHER:
Basically, we create something we call a
"nanocapsule", which is best explained as being like a
"nanocapsule". This contains "enzymes" which
rapidly break down "ethanol" which you may be more
familiar with as "booze". That's what we inject into the
mice, who, despite being more legless than a British
teenager on Saturday night, quickly sober up.
JUSTIN:
Remarkable. Are there any side-effects?
RESEARCHER:
It creates hydrogen peroxide, which can be lethal.
JUSTIN:
Well that's no good.
RESEARCHER:
They're mice, Justin. Mean, drunken mice.
JUSTIN:
But surely you intend to develop this for human use?
RESEARCHER:
That's news to me.
JUSTIN:
Why else did you think you were getting all this
funding?
RESEARCHER:
I don't know. All this money is spent curing cancer in
mice even though they're immunologically nothing like
us. I guess someone with lots of cash has a hard on
for mice. You've been on my case ever since I got
here. What's your problem anyway?
JUSTIN:
You're short tempered. Your eyes are bloodshot, and
your hands are shaking. Have you ever considered
that you might be an alcoholic?
RESEARCHER:
I've been throwing back neat Bourbon with a nude
mouse colony eight hours a day for most of my
career. Of course I'm a freaking alcoholic.
JUSTIN:
Thanks for coming on.
RESEARCHER:
Jackass.
F/X: STUMBLING.
END
