JUSTIN:
There are two reasons why mums go to Iceland. Because Kerry Katona's recommended it - and because it could soon be the first Western nation to ban internet filth.
Joining me now to discuss the latter, is Gustav Gustavasson; an Icelandic expatriate.
Now, this of course wouldn't be the first time...
GUSTAV:
Err, could I please butt in for a moment? You see, I'm not actually an 'expatriate' - I'm an asylum seeker.
JUSTIN:
What - you mean... you were persecuted?
GUSTAV:
Brutally!
JUSTIN:
In Iceland?
GUSTAV:
Listen Justin, the Icelandic government has got it in for menfolk like me!
JUSTIN:
And what exactly is a manfolk like you?
GUSTAV:
Someone for whom the exchange of money is a prerequisite for sex.
JUSTIN:
Oh - you mean a John?
GUSTAV:
No, it's not just John's - Justin! They're going after men with all sorts of Christian names!
JUSTIN:
So, what was it that pushed you over the edge and made you seek asylum?
GUSTAV:
You see, first they came for the strip clubs. But as a critic of the 'no touching' rule - I didn't speak out.
Next, they came for prostitution. Which was more distressing - but as I still had cyber sex to fall back on - I again didn't speak out.
Then, they started coming for internet porn - which is when I legged it!
JUSTIN:
So, how are you adjusting to life in Britain?
GUSTAV:
Oh, this country is heaven in a basket! You've got Babe Station, Page Three, Spearmint Rhino ... I'm telling you - I've never felt so at home in my life!
POLICEWOMAN:
Excuse me; you wouldn't happen to know where I can find a Mr Gustavasson, would you?
JUSTIN:
Why do you ask?
POLICEWOMAN:
Because he's due for immediate deportation.
JUSTIN:
Listen, I'm not a grass... but I can tell you that that's the guy you're looking for.
GUSTAV:
What? No!
POLICEWOMAN:
Right - sonny, you're coming with me!
GUSTAV IS LEAD AWAY
GUSTAV:
(FADING INTO DISTANCE) No, please! You can't send me back there! I'll get blue balls!