Stand up

first time for a local open mic.

this is the first time I have performed...they say if you are nervous, picture your audience naked...I am picturing you all naked...it's not helping...f##k me some of you need repairing!...its like after a bomb has gone off in a mr potato head toy factory!

there's two women in the front with a box of rotten veg here...they're either going to make a soup or I have to move around stage quicker!

I say it's the first time I've performed..it's not....I have performed cunnilingus on my dog sheaba

if anyone is wondering what cunnilingus is....it..will be my wife...apparently im a selfish twat!

I should not tell that sheaba story as my mother is in the audience...she hates it...she's now seen me perform twice

I should not picture her naked either....that reminds me I will have to fill in that hole in her bathroom wall!

how's the soup getting on ladies?...one of them has only one eye...right in the middle of her fu#cking head...and her lips have fallen into the pot...how does it taste mrs potato head?!

beastiality and incest apart I live a normal life.

I have a wife and son.

my wife and I have been together for ten years now,they say space is the final frontier, is it f#ck...trying to get into her knickers is!...after my son was born they must have thrown our sex life out with the after birth!...they should have just sewn her lips up there and then...well the ones higher up..on and on...she's that good at nagging... she is a day ahead of me!

my son is at that awkward age of sexual curiosity,he has recently told me is attracted to certain things with feelings he could not explain....I am no longer getting him a dog.

I have a sister...lovely as she is,she is such a snob.

her snobbery peaked last week when she started a new job as a "leak detection technician"..f##king leak detection technician...she works in a care home wiping pensioners arse's!

myself,i struggle with the concept of shaving...when I started you had a plastic razor 1 blade and an orange cap,now you can have upto 6 blades and inteligent gel that comes out of the razor when wet...it will go two ways fellas...1 we will have to weigh them in for scrap to afford our next razor...or 2 we will all go round like grizzly f#cking adams... because they will be too heavy to lift!

away from pets and family I have hobbies...I like to ghost hunt.

ladies get your veg ready,the act falls apart now

I do like to ghost hunt,i have just been in britains most haunted pub "the pineaple"...they don't like to trade on the reputation.

I ordered a pint of beer..it came headless..i thought f##k this I'll go on the spirits.

I was peckish so I ordered a steak...it came medium......any one there?

like you I was getting bored, so I went on a gaming machine,it was "the super mario brothers"...my character was luigi.....do I have to spell it out?!

still very bored with the lack of paranormal activity I decided to go to the toilets... for a wank....there I saw the ectoplasm.

ladies an gentlemen that's my lot

goodnight

There were some funny lines but I think this is far too crude just for the sake of it and would make an audience feel uncomfortable rather than entertained. You don't see many comedians on the tele using material like this. If you are just starting out, keep it clean IMHO.

As Will says, this is just crude for the sake of being crude. Unless you're doing something interesting with the crudity, then keep it reined in. Bits like the razor section is what you should concentrate on - you get some good anger going there, but it does fizzle out with a weak ending.

Lose the crudeness you're just going to annoy the audience and turn them off.

Apart from the weirdos who like hearing rude words.

Your pacing is good and so is your joke length. But you're wasting that.
Also you seem to be predicting how to deal with audience reactions and for all you know there
l be loads of women in the audience who love you.