Maybe I am an obnoxious tool, but it does help if you write you or your instead of ya, for example.
The Lodging House Page 3
Quote: G180e @ March 17 2013, 2:06 PM GMTI will be putting up the other bits as well.
Well as you've gone out of your way to naff off the two people who could be arsed to read the first part, don't expect a mad rush of people willing to critique the rest of it.
I don't know, people.
Quote: Lazzard @ March 17 2013, 2:15 PM GMTWell as you've gone out of your way to naff off the two people who could be arsed to read the first part, don't expect a mad rush of people willing to critique the rest of it.
I don't know, people.
Cheers for that , Lazzard!
Quote: beaky @ March 17 2013, 2:08 PM GMTMaybe I am an obnoxious tool, but it does help if you write you or your instead of ya, for example.
Fair enough. But being self taught to screen write I have looked at many, many scripts that are posted on line from major budget films, and I must say there is a lot of that kind of thing in "um".
I don't do it often, but it stays in line with the charictor and how he/she talks, so I don't think it's much of a distraction to the reader. Over the past few months I have had really good feed back on certain projects that I have sent out and good things may be on the cards. To be honest having the odd FUCKIN, YA, or misspelled word or whatever hasn't done me or my scripts any harm.
If you think I'm bad for that,look around for an "ALI G" script! you would have a breakdown. 
Don't bite my head off but it's character not charictor.
Shouldn't this be in Critique?
Quote: Lazzard @ March 16 2013, 4:11 PM GMTNot sure why you've set this 20 years after his wifes death. It's ancient history by the time we join things, so has no relevance. So why open with it?
Can't help thinking you'd be better served if her death had been more recent - to get some emotional juice out of it. If not, drop the character altogether.
As a general note having people tell each other about funny things that happened in the past (steamroller) is never as effective as actually showing funny stuff happening now.
It's wife's not wifes! Anyone can make a mistake.
Quote: Lazzard @ March 17 2013, 3:20 PM GMTDon't bite my head off but it's character not charictor.
You see, you can proof-read if you want to.
Quote: Lazzard @ March 17 2013, 3:47 PM GMTYou see, you can proof-read if you want to.
This is true Mr Lazzard. The feed back I'm getting now from certain production company's compared to 12 month's ago is astounding and it pushes me to do more writing, and inspires me to correct where I go wrong.
Strunk and white "The Elements of Style" has become my best friend.
Quote: G180e @ March 4 2013, 5:51 PM GMT
Right Then , Here it is...
The Lodging House - S01 E01
(It's 1992 , Tom and his wife Glenda are sitting watching television)
(Glenda is sitting one side of the room whilst tom is sitting in his arm chair. Glenda looks unhappy. The Couple have just had a row)Tom: (Looks at Glenda) Cup of Tea?
Glenda: What d'you think?
Tom: Ah...with a couple of ginger nuts
Glenda: You just don't get it do you?
Tom: Get what? My little lemon meringue
Glenda: You just get on with it as if nothing's happened at all
Tom: Well nothing bad has happened has it sweetie!
(Tom leaves living room and enters the kitchen)
(He gets the cups out and boils the kettle)
(Glenda then also enters the kitchen)
Glenda: (Under her breath) Nothing bad has happened
Tom: Sorry?
Glenda: You've shouted at your son and made him leave. And nothing bad has happened. Me and You are gonna fall out Tom Swifton. You mark my words!
Tom: Oh just shut up , you cloth eared old sow and get them bloody ginger nuts out the cupboard.
Glenda: (opens cupboard) There's none in here
Tom: Oh No! You'll have to pop to Dave's house
Glenda: Why?
Tom: Well he is ginger so he'll definitely have some ginger nuts for you to dunk in your tea.
(Glenda walks off disgusted back into the living room)
Tom: (Laughs) (Walks back into the living room) He are!
(Glenda is flat out on the floor)
Tom: Glenda!
(Tom gets onto the floor and picks up her hand to find no pulse)(SCENE ENDS)
(6 months later)
Tom is standing by Glenda's grave
Tom: Ah well Glen , we had some good times didn't we. I've bought a new house now I thought well 20 years without you it ain't been the same y'know. I've got me self a lovely 4 bedroom place not far from here. I'm Lonely without you though so I thought I'd get some lodgers in.
(Tom Returns home)
(Knock on door several times)
Tom: Yeah I'm coming I'm coming hang on a minute
(Banging on door)
Tom: Hang On
(More banging on door)
Tom: F**king Hang On. Jesus Christ! I don't own anything worth robbing
(Tom Answers door)
Tom: Yes!
Chris: Hello Mate! I'm Chris I'm here about lodging one of your rooms
Tom: Oh Yes Come on in
(Chris enters the kitchen with all his bags)
Tom: I'm sorry I didn't realise this was a f**king youth hostel.
Chris: O sorry Mate. I'm a bit bagged up ay I (Chuckles to himself)
(Tom rolls his eyes)
Tom; Indeed you are!
(Tom takes a seat and so does chris around the kitchen table)
Tom: So Then chris...?
Chris: Williams.
Tom: So then Chris Williams
Chris: R
Tom: Question number 1. Do You Work?
Chris: Yes
Tom: Question number 2. Where do you work?
Chris: At a lock factory. I'm sorry bab I day realise this was an interview (Chuckles to himself)
Tom: Sorry , did you just call me bab?
Chris: Yeah
Tom: Well Don't
Tom: Question Number 3
(Fade Out)
(fade in)
Tom: And That's everything Chris
Chris: So am I in then?
Tom: Yes , I will show you to the room
(Tom and chris go upstairs)
Tom: And here it is
(SCENE ENDS)
(PRESENT DAY)
(More lodgers have now moved in by this point)So there it is , Guys. What does everyone think? Please do give me lots of feedback as it does help and means a lot.
Cheers.
G180e.
At the start of the second scene you still have to say LODGING HOUSE. Nor have you said whether it's day or night. Are you dyslexic, by any chance? It just seem to have many grammatical errors.
Quote: Tim Azure @ March 17 2013, 4:17 PM GMTAt the start of the second scene you still have to say LODGING HOUSE. Nor have you said whether it's day or night. Are you dyslexic, by any chance? It just seem to have many grammatical errors.
Tim, its the second script further down the thread on the second page which is being talked about buddy.
If you insist on keeping the first scene with the poor wife being killed, a lot better that it happens when she pokes her finger in the hole. Dragging it out until she then sticks her tongue in(why the hell would she do that anyway?)makes it too long, and spoils the surprise. Also, there's too much banter between the hero and the builder - in fact, there's no need for the builder at all, as presumably he's not a regular character. It's important in sitcoms to keep the number of characters down. I've forgiven you for being cheeky to me, Nigel.
On a similar note, unless you're going to flashback to the period regularly, it seems a lot of effort to have a short scene set 20 years ago: you'll have to hire a different actor, and probably drastically redress the set, and so on. It would be easier if the death were set a few moths ago, as it explains why this chap is suddenly looking for lodgers: it would be nice if the death were directly linked to the plot.
I could make lots of other comments about the script itself, but it appears you aren't looking for specific criticism.
Two years and two months later... The Lodging House is no more! Later in 2013 and early 2014, I did write a script based around some exam invigilators but I have since scrapped that. I've also toyed with an idea of a comedy-drama but don't really write as much as I used to.
Not sure what happened to Nigel Ball?
Well that was a painful twenty minutes. I can't believe you've done three thousand posts and learnt nothing.