JUSTIN - A young girl was fined one hundred and forty pound for "blinging up" her electronic tag. In her defence Tracey - I assume that's her name - Tracey, went to a beautician who slipped during a vajazzle. Here at Newsjack we cannot see a story about criminality and fashion without thinking "Oh there's gap a market" Please welcome back the Newsjack shop, which for tax reasons is now based in Britain
F/X police siren and a scuffle
POLICEMAN - Get in the back of the van you're nicked!
F/X van door slamming shut
WOMAN 1 - This is - what's a cool word for unfair? Sponge? This is totes sponge.
V/O - Fear not young hoodlum. Newsjack Shop is here to help with its new range; no longer does criminality go hand in hand with banality. Are you tired of your handcuffs being so weak - last week. Then why did jazz them up with our fluffy handcuff covers - you know like the ones I saw wrapped around my fathers hands as he lay on the bed with a feather stuck up his -
WOMAN 1 - What colours do they come in?
V/O - They come in a wide variety of colours from Helen Mirren "I'm still young I have pink hair" pink right the way through to nipple pink.
WOMAN 1 - Wow Newsjack that sounds great, but what about for us crims not allowed around town?
V/O - For all you house arrestees we have our wall sized picture of a beautiful beach. Now you're not stuck in the house watching Jeremy Kyle you're on a Caribbean beach - watching Jeremy Kyle
WOMAN 1 - Finally something to explain my fake tan overuse. What about my restraining order? I bet you can make my ex see that I'm not crazy and it was token of my love that I killed his cat
V/O - No. It's basically just those two things we said. Take them or leave them
WOMAN 1 - Thank you Newsjack shop
V/O - No need. Everyone deserves to be happy - wait where's my watch?
END