JUSTIN - France have launched a new plan to educate wolves not to eat sheep. Sheep eaters will be marked with spray paint, and if they reoffend they'll be shot, which is how my wife helps me to lose weight. But like me will the wolves find a way around the system and eat the baby food instead - or their equivalent. Let's turn to Newsjack Diary for the answer
V/O - The diary of a marked wolf. Lundi
WOLF has a French accent
WOLF - Since I was spray painted my life has changed - besides being long listed for the Turner Prize - I now only do good. But today I witnessed an atrocity! I was minding my own business watching Loose Women when I saw a sheep shearer shearing several sheep, whilst saying it I almost choked on my own tongue. Distracted the sheep shearer still shearing several sheep lost concentration and cut them into a million pieces, which have since gone missing
V/O - Mardi
WOLF - I was on my way to post my entry form for the Paris marathon when a little girl asked for directions to her grandmas house, of course I obliged but then I saw her in the distance happy slapping a sheep. Bloody hoodies! By the time I got to the fallen sheep it was too late. Her slap, although comical if I witnessed it on YouTube, was so hard the sheep developed puncture wounds around his neck, that to the casual observer may look like bite marks. I returned to my house to get some special ointment for its wounds - mint sauce I think it's called - but by the time I returned it had vanished
V/O - Mercredi
WOLF - I was side tracked this morning by a little boy trying to get my attention, but it turned out he was just pretending I was there to wind up the villagers. On the way back I saw a coyote firing a comically large rock at a poor sheep. He said he was practicing for an upcoming fight with a roadrunner - likely story. I tried to give the sheep the kiss of life but alas it was too late, but that does explain the blood around my mouth. I blinked and the body was gone
V/O - Le Thursday?
WOLF - They have discovered that my previous entries - although momentarily comically, if you don't examine them too closely, are all lies. But they have spared me the death penalty instead they are sending me to England to live. They'll be no more missing bodies here thanks to Finders pancakes
END