Only Fools script

Hi,

For a bit of fun, and a warm-up to writing my own material, I wrote my own Only Fools script.

Wouldn't mind a bit of feedback.

I haven't written many scripts before, and despite wanting to write for the best part of 10 years or so, I've never really got going.

Anyway, is there a way I can upload the script to this site, or is this a copy and paste job?

Just copy and paste it. If you have a link to your work, that might be better.

Ok, 43 pages coming up. Be warned!

Only Fools and Horses
By John Sullivan

Episode year - Summer of 1992.

'All You Need Is Bruv.'

SCENE 1 - Sid's Café 'The Fatty Thumb'. Del Boy, Albert, Marlene, Boycie and Denzil are in attendance. Sid is also seen working in the background arguing with Del's mate Young Towser over some breakfast that was served up. We only partially hear the dispute, but the scene opens up with Sid dealing with a complaint. It's around 10:30am on a Saturday.

SID:
(Reacting to a customer dispute with non-interest)
What's wrong with it?

TOWSER:
It's too lumpy. What's this?
(Picks up what appears to be egg white)

SID:
(Shouts to one of the chefs round the back)
Brian! Young Towser says his breakfast was too lumpy, how did it get like this?

CHEF:
Table 4?

SID:
Yeah.

CHEF:
I let you cook it when I had a quick toilet break!

SID:
Oh yeah. I cooked it.

TOWSER:
Toilet break? I reckon it was cooked in the toilets. Can't believe this place is still open, Sid.

SID:
What do you want me to do about it?

TOWSER:
I'll tell you one thing, I been trying to land myself a diet to lose a bit of weight for some time now. I reckon it'll be easier to pay a visit to your place as I'll know I'll throw it back up!

(Dispute continues in the background as the camera pans to Del and the others.)

DENZIL:
Nah, I'm not sure I'll go. Things always get out of hand when we go on these trips. Need I go any further with that one. I'm not a party goer like I used to be, Del.

BOYCIE:
Yep, I agree with Denzil. Stag do's are a young mans game Del Boy. No, I'm sorry but that's the way I feel about it.

MARLENE:
You weren't even invited!

(Concerned and embarrassed look on Boycie's face)

DEL:
All I'm saying is, I doubt that Mickey Pearce will have anyone to take would he? Thought it would be nice if some of the old boys turned up. I could do with a break.
(Del nods his head while looking a head in to the distance, hoping to go on the stag do)

ALBERT:
You wanna stay away from certain parts of Barcelona, Del.

DEL:
Why?

ALBERT:
We shipped out there during the 2nd world war.

(Immediate interruption of sigh's from the group)

ALBERT:
It's true! We were approaching the Baleanic sea, where these local fishing trawler men spotted us approaching the coast line and demanded we surrender all of our possessions including ourselves!

DEL:
Well, they wouldn't have been all that keen on possessing you. One step on to their boat and you'd have sunk it!

MARLENE:
So, what happened Albert?

BOYCIE:
Well, whatever the outcome, Albert is involved so I wouldn't anticipate a fashionable James Bond escape.

(Albert gives Boycie a funny stare)

ALBERT:
Well, over there you see, certain Europeans were known for their pick-pocketing, petty crime that sort of thing. We were taken closer to their shores when I realised that I smuggled in some illegal goods that would have got me banged up.

BOYCIE:
Petty crime?! That happens everywhere. Even with Trotters Independent Traders. You only have to see the junk they have in their lock-up to know!

DEL:
Boycie! That is slenderous! What sort of illegal goods, Unc?

ALBERT:
You mean slanderous?

DEL:
That's what I said, yeah.

ALBERT
Fireworks, that sort of thing.

BOYCIE:
Bleedin' fireworks?

Albert:
Yah!

DENZIL:
What was it? Some sort of celebratory occasion or something?

DEL BOY:
Probably ready to throw a party to celebrate their first success at sailing the seas and not sinking for a change!

ALBERT:
No! I used to take this kind of equipment with me if we were ever in any sort of danger. I set the fireworks off as we were edging ever so much closer to the shore, where the police were waiting to hand-cuff us and and probably put us away for importing illegal equipment into the country.

DENZIL:
Then what?

ALB.ERT:
As I lit the firework, it tipped over and blew our boats engine! The Spaniards jumped ship in fear of facing fire, and we sailed back a few hundred yards back to our boat, even though the engine was on fire. We saw that the Spaniards who jumped ship were arrested and apparently put behind bars for the rest of the war. All because they also confiscated some pen knifes, and cigarette lighters.

BOYCIE:
And what has this got to do with them young fools going on a stag do to Barcelona?

ALBERT:
Well..I'm just saying that not only do they have pick-pocketers out there but you'll get hounded by the local police for anything you carry on you.

DEL:
But what are the chances of Rodney and Mickey Pearce being that dangerous? Blimey, they're not out there to celebrate bloody bonfire night. Jeez, you and your stories. They have absolutely no relevance sometimes. All the time!

BOYCIE:
Anyway, moving on. I have to finish up here. I have managed to seal a contract with a taxi company in Lewisham. It pains me to let go of the highly classed motors on the forecourt, but we've all got to make our living. (Showing off)

DEL:
Yeah, I know what you mean, Boycie.

ALBERT:
He can't get rid of those C.B radios that he bought off Paddy the Greek.

DEL:
Yes, yes! Alright Albert. Thank you. No, it's OK. They're not selling well at the moment coz the price of having a licence with them is putting people off. I wouldn't usually worry about that aspect but everyone who enquires about them always ask that same bloody question. So, I can't get shot of 'em. If I could just sell a dozen, I could cover me overheads for the month.

DENZIL:
How much are they?

DEL:
Well, they retail at a hundred nicker. I'm selling them for forty-five. I'm practically giving them away, Denz!

DENZIL:
Forty-five? Seems cheap? If I were you, I'd want at least sixty for each one.

BOYCIE:
That sounds like a good idea, Denzil. Del Boy, why don't you chuck in your three-wheeler with the radio to make the sixty! HaHahahahahaha!

(Stern look from Del)

MARLENE:
I don't know why you're laughing. You've paid more than that to get your leg over!

DEL:
Did you mind him doing the dirty, love? Must have caused a storm?

MARLENE:
No! It was me who he paid!

(The others laugh at Boycie)

DEL BOY:
Right, I'm off. Come on, Albert. We've got to pick-up Raquel and Damien from the play centre.

ALBERT:
Why have I gotta come with ya?

DEL:
I dunno, I haven't decided yet. Maybe I'll drop you off on the way. We'll pass TnT's! See you all later.

All:
Bye Del.

DEL:
See you Sid! Remember, if the health inspector turns up, offer him a plate of that fry-up! Should scare him off for a bit!

SID:
Eh?

(Confused response while standing behind the counter with a fag hanging out of his mouth, and a plate of fried food in each hand, with his thumbs appearing to be touching the food)

DEL:
Take it easy, Young Towser!

SCENE 2 - Peckham Community Play Centre. Del and Albert turn up at the centre to pick up Raquel and Damian. As Del pulls up, smoke from the engine whafts towards the children and parents who are exiting the building. Del Boy toots his horn.

RAQUEL:
That's the way Del. Infumigate the entire estate with this bloody van.

DEL BOY:
Alright sweetheart? You been waiting long?

RAQUEL:
Not too long, no. Can we stop off at the supermarket on the way home?

DEL BOY:
Yes, course. Why?

RAQUEL:
I need to pick up some nappies for Damien.

DEL BOY:
Hello champ! Did you have a nice time playing? I bet you're all thirsty aren't you, eh? Let's get you a nice drink when we go to the supermarket, yeah?

(Damien holds out a drawing he made of Albert, which is fair to say that it isn't too complimentary. This raises a giggle from Del.)

DEL BOY:
Ahh! Look, Unc! Damey's drawn you a picture look.

ALBERT:
I fought for this young generation, and that's how they see me is it?

DEL BOY:
You ungrateful old git!

RAQUEL:
That's a lovely drawing, darling. Can mummy see?

DEL BOY:
Ere, what's all this tissue stuff that's stuffed all in his pockets look.

RAQUEL:
That's just from wiping his nose. You know he's been suffering with a cold lately. It's freezing in that flat, the poor soul.

DEL BOY:
Yes, that's because I've had a few problems with contacting British Gas lately. And I'm not talking about the funny sounds coming from Albert's bedroom!

(Subtle backround laugh from Damien)

RAQUEL:
It might actually help you to pay them now and again, Del.

DEL:
I would if the bill was paid to British Telecom! Funds are a bit tight lately.

RAQUEL:
Damien's health comes first. Pay the Gas bill, Trotter.

(Del Boy spots Mickey Pearce across the road and approaches him and uses this opportunity to exit his brief telling off from Raquel.)

DEL BOY:
Hello young Michael! 'Ere, you looking forward to your wedding? And what you doing hanging around the children's play centre? I should report you!

MICKEY:
Oi, I walk past here to get to my flat! And no, I have a feeling that we might be suffering from a bit of the old cold feet syndrome for this wedding.

DEL BOY:
Really? She come to her senses then?

MICKEY:
I just don't think she appreciates the real me, you know?

DEL BOY:
The real you? You wouldn't know the real you if you were handed your Birth Certificate and a mirror. What you on about?

MICKEY:
I have a personal and sensitive side, Del.

DEL:
Pffft!

MICKEY:
I'm having second thoughts about the wedding in total, Del.

DEL:
Don't be a fool. You finally found yourself a bird and you're planning on cancelling it? What kind of a selfish burk does that, eh?

MICKEY:
It ain't me that wants to cancel it! It's her!

DEL:
I fort you said she didn't appreciate you? I was under the impression that you... never mind.

MICKEY:
Anyway, I'm looking forward to the stag do though, should be a right laugh! As long as Rodney ain't pussy footing round Cassandra. That boy is a complete wimp, in he?

DEL BOY:
No, no, not a wimp. A plonker perhaps but he's no wimp. No, no he's just a natural born worrier. He's always been the same. He won't even let me go on your stag do! I mean, what have I ever done to him, eh? Have I ever caused him to land himself in a stressful situation?

MICKEY:
Yeah, well - to be honest, Del, I think it'll have summin' to do with the Margate trip and your trip to the states! Let alone the diamond smuggling business.

DEL BOY:
Shhh, shh! Keep your voice down! I'm still trying to lay my head down after that carnival. You do realise we were on the verge of being killed over there don't ya?!

MICKEY:
Alright! Sorry! 'Ere, I'm selling off a load of gear at the moment. I'm tryin' to make a few quid for this bleedin' wedding.

DEL BOY:
Well, you won't have to worry about that now, will ya? You're not exactly parading a count-down to the big magical day, are ya? What you sellin'?

MICKEY:
Cigarette lighters, pipes, key rings, pen knifes. That sort of thing.

DEL BOY:
Pen knifes? Who's your target market? The Swiss army is it? I know they're rough around here but we're not in a civil-war.

(We hear Raquel in the backround shout at to Del)

RAQUEL:
Del!

DEL BOY:
Coming, sweetheart! Just sorting a bit of business with the blushing groom, 'ere!

MICKEY:
You want to take the lot off me, Del?

DEL BOY:
No I don't! I've got enough of me own stock to get rid of, ain't I. Anyway, it was nice of you to invite me to your stag do though!

MICKEY:
I'm sorry, Del. Rodney is arranging it as he's the best man and he is adamant you won't be going!

DEL:
Well that's charmin'! That is Jai' bien de critique that is. After all I've got him involved with over the years.

MICKEY:
Well, you've hardly been likened to Michael Palin on your travels, have you?

DEL BOY
You saucy git! Never mind, I'll leave you kids to enjoy yourselves. I've got plenty to be getting on with here anyway.

MICKEY:
I better head on now, I'm gonna try and get rid of this gear. They're on sale or return.

DEL:
Mind how you go, son.

(Raquel calls out for Del again)

RAQUEL:
Derrick!

DEL BOY:
Coming sweetheart!

(Del crosses the road towards the van, where Raquel, Albert and Damien are)

ALBERT:
Can we get a move on? I got a singles match down the legion tonight. I haven't even had me dinner yet!

DEL:
Alright, alright! Who you playing?

ALBERT:
Hairy Harry.

DEL BOY:
Hairy Harry? I don't suppose he'll be needing any amnesia products from Boots anytime soon. Right, come on. Let's get captain Edward Smith to the shops.

SCENE 3 - NELSON MANDELA HOUSE - LATE AFTERNOON

(We see Rodney on the phone to what appears to be Cassandra)

RODNEY:
They're out at the moment. Think they're getting a load of shopping in...Look, Cass, you know I'm going on this stag do with Mickey and the others on Friday don't you?... I'm not worrying. I'm looking forward to it. I would have thought it would be you that would worry about me going away and missing me and what have you?.... oh thanks very much!
Are you not bothered then?.....Why?...Oh because Del's not going. Understand, yes. Well, I'm just trying to finish up the itinerary for this stag-do then I'll probably nip down the Nags Head later. What do you mean again? I haven't been since last Wednesday! Alright. Well, I'll see you maybe later on then. It is OK to stay the night isn't it? That sofa Del bought is a death trap. Those springs keep bursting through the mattress... Cosmic! Speak to you later, bye.

(Rodney goes to sit back down at the table, and seems to be writing up his itinerary and holiday check list.)

RODNEY:
Drinks, hotel, map for directions, pesetas money, boat trip form, night entertainment. What else am I missing?

(Rodney starts to laugh to himself once he's realised what needs to go on the list, then thinks aloud)

RODNEY:
Nooo, Cassandra will find out.

(We hear the door open, where Del, Albert, Raquel and Damien appear)

DEL:
Ah, Rodders! Look Damey, Uncle Rodney is here see you look!

(Rodney gives his usual feared look towards Damien)

DEL:
He was asking for you earlier actually. I was checking the oil levels in the van, and when I held up the dipstick he said your name straight away, didn't he Albert?

ALBERT:
Yah! Haha!

(Rodney grunts at Del)

DEL:
What's that you're writing there? Not another attempt at a screen-play is it? Blimey Rodney, you've written more plays than Macbeth!

RODNEY:
You mean Shakespeare?

DEL:
Yes! Macbeth was his first name. Blimey Rodney. No wonder you failed your Geography!

RODNEY:
Geog? Nevermind. I'm just gathering a list of things I need to take away with me when we go away next week.

DEL:
Yes, thanks for inviting me. You hurtful little sod. After everything I've ever got you involved in or invited to.

RODNEY:
Look, Del. Miami was the last straw with taking you anywhere. You're cursed once you step foot outside of Blighty. You seem to attract trouble wherever you go. I reckon if you went to the Taj Mahal there'd be a Buddhist's riot. I'm playing it safe with just Mickey, Jevon and his Mickey's Dad. Even if they are a bunch of wreckless womanisers.

DEL:
Mickey's dad is going?

RODNEY:
Yeah, apparently he paid for Mickey's ticket so he thought he'd invite him along.

DEL:
Well, that's nice of him. It's more than our poxy father would have done. Cor! Buy me a plane ticket? I'd have been lucky to get so much a bus ticket off that tight wad. And it wouldn't have been the bus ticket that got a punch, he'd have done that himself - to me!

RAQUEL:
Del, will you please move these boxes of junk away from the kitchen.

DEL:
Yes, course I will sweetheart. Rodney, move them boxes will ya?

RODNEY:
Me? Why should I do it? I don't work for you anymore, Derek.

DEL:
La-coup de Monde, Rodney. All I'm asking you to do is hump a couple of boxes while I sit hear and play with your nephew. Which is what you should be doing. You don't spend any time with him these days.

RODNEY:
Del, I have a wife and live elsewhere..well, used to. I can hardly spend my time babysitting when I have a full-time job to attend to and a marriage to fix.

DEL:
Alright, alright! I was just encouraging you to spend a bit of quality time with Damey. That is all.

(Del goes and moves the boxes away from the kitchen. He notices that he has a fax awaiting to be read)

ALBERT:
Is there any of that brandy left? I wanna quick drink before the big match. They'll be a big crowd watching tonight Del, and that 'Arry is unbeaten.

RODNEY:
A big crowd? How many is going?

ALBERT:
About twelve.

DEL BOY:
Twelve? I've seen bigger crowds at a dinner party hosted by Trigger. Mind you, it's more than you'll find down at Millwall on a Saturday!

ALBERT:
Well, most of the regulars have caught food poisoning. Must have been paying one too many trips to Sid's café.

DEL:
Yeah, that sounds about right. Oh look, I got a fax from the troubled groom look.

(Del continues to read the fax in the backround but continues talking to Albert)

RODNEY:
What's it say? Why is he faxing you?

DEL:
Oh, it's nothing. It's just a bit of business.

ALBERT:
I'm going down the legion. Hopefully return with a winner's medal.

DEL:
You'll be able to add it to your official collection then, Unc! This one would be real!

ALBERT:
What you on about? They're all real!

RODNEY:
Derrick!

DEL:
Alright you two! Gawd, what is the matter with everyone today? I'm gonna nip in to the kitchen and see how Raquel is doing. Rodney, go and play with your lovely nephew. Damey - Uncle Rodney is going to sit and play with you. Why don't you draw him a picture like you did for your Great, great Uncle Albert? You should see the picture he did, Rodney. I reckon he could be the next Da Pacino, I really do.

RODNEY:
You mean Di Vinci?

DEL:
No, Rodney! I mean Pacino. For someone with a GCE in art, you seem to embarrass yourself on the subject sometimes.

(Rodney and Albert look at eachother in dis-belief. Del exits to the kitchen to see Raquel)

DEL:
Hello darlin', do you want 'an hand?

RAQUEL:
No, it's OK. Have you moved those boxes yet?

DEL:
Yes, I have. The lot should be gone by next week. It's just a load of junk I should be able to knock off to Dirty Barry. He'll buy anything him.

RAQUEL:
Why aren't you going to this stag-do then? I would have thought you of all people would be the ring-leader behind this trip.

DEL:
What, me? Nahhhh, it's a young mans game all that. I've got enough to be getting on with down here in Peckham. My stag do years are behind me love!

(Albert can be heard but not seen next door shouting to Raquel)

ALBERT:
It's coz he weren't invited love!

(Del reacts angrily and pops his head around the door to react to Albert)

DEL:
Oi, you ear wigging old div! Go on, naff off down the legion you cheeky old bark.

DEL:
Yes, I suppose also Rodney doesn't want me going.

RAQUEL:
Oh, Del. Nevermind. I wouldn't have liked you going anyway.

(Del suddenly looks away and reaches in to his pocket at the fax that he received from Mickey)

DEL:
Exactly! What would I want with sunning it up in a place like Barcelona, eh? I got Mike and the boys in rainy old Peckham. Right, I need to make a quick phone call to Sunglasses Ron, and then after dinner I'm gonna nip down the Nags Head. Do you fancy coming along?

RAQUEL:
Yeah why not. Shall we just leave Damien here on his own as well?

DEL:
Rodney can look after him!

RAQUEL:
No, Del. It's unfair to expect Rodney to give up a whole evening, just so you can jolly up with your mates.

(Del immediately shouts to Rodney from the kitchen)

DEL:
Rodney! What are you doing tonight?

RODNEY:
Sod off!

(Del enters the living room to have ago at Rodney)

DEL:
Oi, oi, oi! Watch your language; Damian will pick up on it. Tell her she can stay 'ere. Be nice for us all to spend a bit of quality time together. Just like all families should.

RODNEY:
No! That's the last thing I want.

DEL:
You are a heartless little git sometimes, Rodney. Mum said to me on her deathbed..

(Interruption from Rodney)

RODNEY:
..Not this again Del.

DEL:
Mum said to me on her deathbed that her biggest wish for both of us, other than to be healthy and happy was to be around family.

(We hear Albert glugging his brandy and releasing a huge belch)

DEL:
He's about as subtle as an air-raid siren. What I was saying is, that mum would have wanted us to make sure we make the most of eachothers company. I'm sure Cassandra wouldn't mind?

RODNEY:
I don't care what you say, Derrick. I am staying at my..MY house tonight with my wife. Plus, how the hell are we supposed to..you know..with a houseful of you lot?

DEL:
You're one saucy git, you are. Is that all you fink about?

RODNEY:
Eh? You've room to talk. It sounds like a scene from planet of the apes coming from your room of an evening.

DEL:
Oi! Damien..shh.

RODNEY:
Anyway, why are you so bothered about me and Cass staying here? We're guaranteed time alone at our place.

DEL:
I thought Cassandra's Dad was kipping down after Pamela chucked him out?

RODNEY:
He's gone back now. He's promised to lay off fish food for a while. Anyway, as I was saying, why are you so bothered about me staying here tonight?

DEL:
So you can babysit!

RODNEY:
Babysit? Oh thank you, brother. That's the only reason you wanted me here. Just so's you can go out and get hammered with the others.

DEL:
Don't be a plonker all your life, Rodney! We'll only be a couple of hours, plus you'll have the place to yourself!

RODNEY:
No we won't. We'll have that little sod running around.

DEL:
Little sod? Who you calling a little sod. I dread what you call Damien behind my back.

RODNEY:
(Rodney realises Del not catching on to what he referred to Damien)
Yeah, yeah you're right. I didn't mean it. But I am NOT babysitting!

SCENE 4 - THE NAGS HEAD, PECKHAM.

(We can see Del, Raquel, Cassandra, Boycie, Marlene, Mickey, Jevon, Mike and Trigger. We see Trigger talking to Mike across the bar regarding his latest purchase.)

MIKE:
What is it, Trigg?

TRIGGER:
What do you mean, what is it? It's one of them mobile phones.

MIKE:
A phone? Give it 'ere.

(Mike takes the phone off Trigg and has a play with it)

TRIGG:
It's a load of rubbish. You don't get to choose who you speak to. I've never come across it before.

MIKE:
Trigg..it's a CB Radio. It's not a mobile phone. Is that what you were thinking?

TRIGG:
Yeah.

MIKE:
So who do you think you've been speaking to when using it? Chris Evans?

TRIGG:
I dunno. I just assumed they knew me!

(Mike walks away in disbelief)

MIKE:
Tracey, can you takeover please.

(Camera pans across from the bar to where Del and the others are sitting)

BOYCIE:
What's that sound?

DEL:
Eh?

BOYCIE:
Sounds like a radio or something, very faint. Where's it coming from?

Jevon:
It's coming from your jacket, Del.

DEL:
Oh yeah! So it is look.

CASSANDRA:
It's not that C.B radio is it?

(Del picks up his CB Radio and listens out to see who is trying to contact him)

DEL:
Hello? Who is it that is picking up my line?

(We can hear a muffling sounds which cuts out)

DEL:
Bloody thing. I don't know why I carry one with me, really I don't.

BOYCIE:
Oh dear, didn't Barry take them off you in the end?

DEL:
Only one. I think they're quite handy at times. I keep one on me for little Damey to play with.

CASSANDRA:
Who's looking after him?

DEL:
Rodders. I insisted he come out to join us but he was adamant that he wanted a bit of parental practice and to look after Damien. The boys got a heart of gold.

RAQUEL:
What do you mean he was adamant? You locked him in the flat and took the keys. The poor bloke was nearly crying.

DEL:
Noo he wasn't! He was probably getting a touch of the old arachnophobia.

CASSANDRA:
You mean claustrophobia?

DEL:
Yeah, probably that 'an all. It'll teach the saucy git to have some sort of personal vendetta against me by not inviting me on this stag do.

MICKEY:
So about my wedding, I don't want none of you lot going out of your depth and spending too much on me.

BOYCIE:
Ha! You can say that again, Mickey. You'll be lucky to get a gift from the Salvation Army!

DEL:
Don't worry, Mickey. I'm sure your wedding guest will splash out on you. There's a sale on at pound-stretchers.

DENZIL:
When is your stag do, Mickey?

MICKEY:
We leave on Friday at 8am. We're getting a taxi to the airport.

(We hear Del's CB radio go off again)

RAQUEL:
That damn radio is going off again, switch it off.

DEL:
E're listen, it's Trigg look! Look at him over there, the dozy sod. He thinks he's calling the Samaritans look! I'm gonna wind him right up. Shh!

(We see Trigg at the bar with his ear to the speaker of the radio and Del talks in to the phone and attempts to fool Trigger)

DEL:
Well, hello there. This is John Major. Are you reading me?

TRIGGER:
Hello your royal highness. It's an honour to be speaking to you all the way in America.

(Confused reaction from the others)

DEL:
(To the others)I don't believe him. The whally thinks I'm the prime minister with Royal blood situated in bloody Washington!

(Del continues to wind Trigg up)

DEL:
Hello? Yes, I'm still here. Speaking as your honoury Prime Minister..of the U.K..the U.S, please buy the entire pub you're currently in a round drinks! Coz they're all bloody parched!

(Del and the others share a laugh while Trigg looks on in the background still stood at the bar)

RAQUEL:
Stop it, Del. The poor bloke gets confused enough as it is.

DEL:
Trigger! Come on, come over here look and grab yourself a drink.

TRIGGER:
I was about to anyway Del, I've got to get a round in. That was you who was on the radio phone thing just now, wasn't it?

DEL:
Yes, Trigg. It was me. Unless there's been huge political changes in the States and John Major has emigrated. Well come to think of it, he may as well have been.

TRIGG:
Where's Dave?

DEL:
He's babysitting. How you getting on with the CB radio, Trigg?

TRIGG:
I like it. Especially now I know it's not a mobile phone. It's quite handy listening to other people's conversation of an evening. It gets a bit lonely at my place. It's been that way since my Nan passed on.

DEL:
Ah, well, I know Trigg. E're, you don't join in with any conversations do ya?

TRIGG:
Well, I had been. They didn't know who I was. I thought I was ringing my cousin who lives abroad.

DENZIL:
Trigg, you can't speak to anybody outside a radius of about 5 miles.

BOYCIE:
I doubt he could speak to anybody within 5 metres, Denz.

TRIGG:
But now I know it's not a mobile, I won't get confused and think my phone is calling any old number.

DEL:
Yeah. You see, Trigg. The beauty of the CB radio is you can ear wig peoples conversations if you're ever bored.

BOCYIE:
I remember when Marlene's mum called our house number, I've never laughed so much when we came home one day to find that she had a conversation with the answer machine, the daft cow.

MARLENE:
That wasn't my Mum. That was me.

BOYCIE:
Oh yeah! I can hardly tell the difference these days.

MARLENE:
Well, for the record, the one-way conversation was more interesting than talking to you! Especially when I realised I was talking to myself.

CASSANDRA:
Anyway, I wonder how Roddie is getting on. I feel bad for him for being on his own.

DEL:
No! Don't you worry about it sweetheart. He'll be alright. Damey loves him he does. Rodney is brilliant with him. He'll have everything under control.

(The scene cuts to Rodney back in the flat asleep on the sofa, with Damien sat next to him laughing as we see a used nappy placed near Rodney's face. Damien has an un-lit cigar in his hand also. Rodney wakes up and notices the nappy on his head. We see him panick and moan at the same time regarding this and see's Damien with the cigar in his hand. The scene then pans back to the pub)

DEL:
Mickey, can I have a brief board meeting with you over by the executive bar please.

(Del and Mickey get up and walk to the bar)

DENZIL:
What's Del want out of Mickey I wonder?

BOYCIE:
Gawd knows.

(Enter Uncle Albert. Albert has returned from his match against Hairy Harry)

RAQUEL:
Hello, Albert! How did you get on?

ALBERT:
Don't ask, dear. (Calling out towards the bar) Mike, I'll have rum.

DENZIL:
What were you playing? Dominos?

JEVON:
I hope it wasn't battleships.

ALBERT:
Yah, I was absolutely cheated out of the game I was. But, I don't want to talk about it. Where's Rodney?

CASSANDRA:
He's babysitting with Damien.

BOYCIE:
Or is that dipstick being babysat by Damien? We hand Tyler over to Marlene's mum. Easiest solution. For us, not the toddler! It can't be an easy ride for the littlen having Marlene's mum look after you. I bet when Tyler saw his Nan coming towards him, it was very much like Cruella capturing a lost puppy.

MARLENE:
It's funny, she makes the same statement about you. I wish you two would just get on.

BOYCIE:
I've tried, Marlene. She hates me. I don't know what I've done or what I'm supposed to do to get her to treat me like a normal human being.

MARLENE:
A personality transplant would be a start.

(Del finishes talking with Mickey and comes over to the table where the others are sat)

DEL:
Right, everything is cushty. I think I'm ready to turn in. You ready love?

RAQUEL:
Yeah, OK.

DEL:
Alright Unc? You coming? How did you get on in your match?

Uncle:
I lost. He cheated. I don't want to talk about it.

DEL:
Nevermind. I'm sure you'll relate it to some war time story soon enough. Ciao everyone. (Towards Mickey and Jevon) Have a nice time away chaps. See you soon.

All:
Night.

SCENE 5 - NELSON MANDELA HOUSE, PECKHAM.

(Del, Raquel and Albert are walking towards the flat discussing Rodney)

DEL:
He's a good boy. He'll have him settled down and the little champ should be fast asleep.

RAQUEL:
I hope so, Del.

DEL:
Have some faith in the boy!

(Del enters the flat. Rodney looks warn out and pleased to see Del)

RODNEY:
Thank Gawd for that.

RAQUEL:
Is he asleep?

RODNEY:
Yeah. He eventually did. Only because he decided to head butt me while I was kipping on the sofa, which knocked him out! He's OK though. No bruising or nothing.

DEL:
You vicious git! I can't trust you with him can I! We'll be getting the social services round here before long! Jeez.

RODNEY:
Oi! It was he who smacked his head on me, not the other way round. Anyway, he's asleep now. I've spent half the night clearing his mess up.

ALBERT:
It's only a few toys, Rodney.

RODNEY:
I'm not on about his toys!

DEL:
Oh shut up you tart.

RAQUEL:
(Returning from Damien's room)
He's absolutely fine. Sound asleep. Thanks for looking after him, Rodney.

RODNEY:
See. Right, I'm off home. Finally get to capture some of my evening with Cassandra.

DEL:
Oh, you needn't worry. She's probably gone to bed now. She's been down the Nags Head all evening.

RODNEY:
Oh lovely! So while I've been playing Mary bloody Poppins, Cassandra's been down the Nags Head havin' a good time.

DEL:
What do you mean 'havin' a good time'? It weren't all that bad, you were spending some quality time with your little nephew! You ungrateful little dipstick!

RODNEY:
But!...
(Del using his convincing and persuasive face, knowing Rodney can't come back at him)

RODNEY:
Yes, I suppose. I'm off to bed

DEL:
Good boy! Night Bruv.

ALBERT:
I'm gonna turn in 'an 'all. Night Del, Raquel.

DEL/RAQUEL:
Night.

DEL:
It's not been a bad evening has it sweetheart? We've had a lovely drink. The old man of the sea and his shipmates have enjoyed a thrilling game of dominos, and Mickey Pearce has given half his stock for me to sell on. Everyone's a winner.

RAQUEL:
All accept poor Rodney.

DEL:
Oh, he's alright. He cherishes that boy. Anyway, he gets to leave this dump in a few days and is off on his 'olidays aint he. Lovely jubly!

RAQUEL:
Yeah, I suppose so. Well, I'm gonna go to bed.

(Del has a smirk on his face)

RAQUEL:
Not that sort of early night, Trotter.

SCENE 6 - LUTON AIRPORT.

(Rodney, Jevon, Mickey and his Dad are stood in the queue waiting to go through customs.)

MICKEY:
How long is this gonna take, eh? We been stood here for nearly an hour.

Jevon:
I heard there was a terrorist scare.
(Jevon winding up the others, knowing it would frighten Rodney in particular)

RODNEY:
Terrorist? Jevon, where did you hear that?

JEVON:
Well, I didn't. But why do you think we've been stood here for the last hour?

RODNEY:
Because!..there's about 15 dozen other stag do's in this queue and it's a Friday afternoon. Terrorists scare. Whatever next. (Worrying response from, Rodney)

MICKEY:
'Ere, I don't mind waiting a bit longer. Look at that bird over there!

JEVON:
Where?

MICKEY:
Over there look, the one touching up that bloke.

RODNEY:
She's a security worker. She's not touching him up!

JEVON:
I wouldn't mind the alarm going off when I walk through the sensor. I've already pulled more birds on this trip than you three and we've not even hit the departure lounge.

MICKEY:
Yeah, well.. I'm taking the more laid back approach and considering my lady's thoughts back home. She wouldn't appreciate me pulling some bird.

MICKEY SENIOR:
What do you mean? She's the one that encouraged you to go away for your stag do so she could get her hands on that stripper for her hen night! Guilt playing on her mind I think.

MICKEY:
Yeah, that's what I mean. I knew that didn't I.

(Mickey clearly looking gutted and quickly changes his mind on the idea of not pulling)

MICKEY:
Yeah, I'm gonna have one last field day and see how many notches I can get on me bed post.

JEVON:
You won't get anywhere, Mickey. Not with me around. The birds don't go for your kind. You'll have to learn from the love God that is my goodself.

RODNEY:
Will you lot pack it in? You'll get us chucked out of here and there will be no stag do for anyone.

MICKEY:
Alright, Rodney! We're only doing what lads do best. Looks like the security birds caught my eye. I must make sure I don't declare this penknife I have on me!

RODNEY:
Throw that away!

MICKEY:
It's a penknife Rodney. It's to keep us safe from them pesky Spaniards your Uncle apparently spoke about.

RODNEY:
And what good exactly do you think that pathetic thing is gonna do, eh? That thing would hardly tear bog roll. Throw it in that bin, now!

(Mickey proceeds to throwing the penknife away)

JEVON:
She's looking my way again
(Referring to the hot security bird)

RODNEY:
She's probably warey of Mickey's toenail clipper that he calls a penknife.

MICKEY:
I've got a good feeling about this holiday. Already Jevon has pulled twice! First of many boys!

RODNEY:
First of many? Since when have we ever managed to pull anyone on these trips? The only way you're going to pull is by paying someone to do the unfortunate honours. Even if you resort to paying for it, I doubt you'll get anywhere.

MICKEY SENIOR:
Is that because of my boy's lack of charm?

RODNEY:
Well yeah, that and the fact we have no money. Anyway, we are not going on the pull. We are all but bloody taken, alright?

MICKEY:
Alright, Rodney! I'm only joking aint I. You need to lighten up. We're on our holidays! Anyway, Cassandra's got the hump with you again so what does it matter?!

RODNEY:
Look! Already, since this holiday all but bloody begun, we've encountered various problems. You (pointing towards Mickey) sleeping in and almost making us late for check -in. Jevon's hormones going in to overdrive, and reports of Saddam Hussain holidaying on our flight! But not to fear, Mickey is here with his flick knife.

JEVON:
Relax, Rodney. Once we're through customs we'll have a few pints and then we'll be on the flight. What could possibly go wrong?

SCENE 7 - Departure Lounge. Bar.

(The boys are sat down enjoying a drink. They spot Trigger near them sweeping up.)

MICKEY SENIOR:
Hey! There's Trigg. Trigger!

RODNEY:
You're kidding? Alright Trigg?

TRIGGER:
Alright, Dave? Alright boys?

RODNEY:
You work here now?

TRIGGER:
The council have a contract with all the terminals here, so sent me to train up the cleaning staff here.

RODNEY:
They sent you?

TRIGGER:
Yeah, well they wanted to send someone with a bit of experience and know-how.

MICKEY SENIOR:
They couldn't get hold of anyone then?

TRIGGER:
No, so they sent me. Anyway, I'm finishing my shift in a moment. Then I'll quickly check-in. Still have about an hour don't I?

(The others seem rather confused.)

MICKEY:
Eh?

RODNEY:
You're coming? I didn't inv...

TRIGG:
I thought you said we were going on another beano to Margate?

RODNEY:
A beano to Margate? Trigg, since when did Luton do return flights to Margate beach?

TRIGG:
Oh. Well, is it alright to go wherever you're going, Dave?

(Rodney has an awkward look on his face, as do the others. With some consideration, Rodney lets Trigg come on the holiday)

RODNEY:
Yes, yes OK. You better hurry up. They'll be boarding pretty soon. Where are your things? You've got to buy your tickets yet!

TRIGGER:
I'll be right with you. All my stuff is in my locker

(Trigg puts down his broom and leans it up against a bar stool and quickly exists.)

MICKEY:
A locker? He don't pack much does he?

RODNEY:
Trigger's brain doesn't pack much.

SCENE 8 - CUT TO TRIGGER BEING SECURITY CHECKED AND WALKING TOWARDS THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE. WE SEE HIM LOOKING AT A CHECK-IN FOR 'LAS RAMBLE FLO MARKHT' OF GERMANY. HE HAS PURCHASED THE WRONG TICKETS AND BOARDS THE WRONG PLANE. HE SHOWS HIS TICKET TO THE STEWARD BY THE BOARDING DOORS.

TRIGG:
Hi, here's my ticket. I dunno where my friends are. Will you tell 'em that I've sat down already? I reckon they've been drinking too much and got on the wrong flight!

STEWARD:
Yes, sir. (Confused)

TRIGG:
Sometimes, it takes the sensible sober one to be group leader dunnit?

(Trigg makes his way through the boarding doors and on to the wrong plane.)

SCENE 9 -CUT TO THE OTHERS ON THE PLANE. BACKING MUSIC BEING PLAYED, NO DIALOGUE FOR THIS VERY SHORT SCENE.

WE SEE MICKEY, HIS DAD AND JEVON SAT TOGETHER. RODNEY IS SAT BEHIND THEM AND IS SAT BETWEEN TWO OLD PENSIONERS, NOT LOOKING BEST PLEASED. THE OTHERS ARE LAUGHING AT HIM AND TAKING PICTURES. AS THIS HAPPENS, YOU CAN LIP READ RODNEY SAYING "PISS OFF".

THE SCENE OPENS UP WITH THE BOYS WALKING THROUGH CUSTOMS AND EXITING THE AIRPORT. THEY GET IN TO A TAXI AND WE SEE THEIR JOURNEY RIGHT TO THE HOSTELS ENTRANCE. THEY ARE DRIVING THROUGH A BUSY TOWN ON THE WAY TO LAS RAMBLES, AND WE SEE A CAR LOT ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD WITH THE OWNER STOOD OUTSIDE SMOKING A LARGE CIGAR. HE IS JUST LIKE BOYCIE, ONLY THE SPANISH VERSION. COMB-OVER HAIR CUT AND AN EVEN LARGER MOUSTACHE, COUNTING MONEY. THE CAR THEN PASSES VARIOUS STALLS ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD SELLING TACKY GEAR. THERE'S A LITTLE SPANISH GUY SELLING HIS GOODS AND TRYING TO CHARM THE CUSTOMERS. LIKE DEL, HE IS SHORT, LOUD AND IS WEARING SUNGLASSES AND WEARS LOTS OF JEWLERY. WE ALSO SEE A GORMLESS LOOKING INDIVIDUAL SWEEPING THE STREETS. THE BOYS LOOK AT EACHOTHER AND LAUGH TO THEMSELVES.

RODNEY:
Bloody hell, it's a carbon copy of Peckham.

SCENE 10 - 'THE FLYING PIG' HOSTLE, LAS RAMBLES. THE BOYS CHECK IN TO THEIR HOSTEL.

RODNEY:
Hello, urr Ola. We..us, we're here to check in. Here are our passports and confirmation of booking.

RECEPTIONIST:
Hello, thank you.
(Receptionist reads Rodney's confirmation)

MICKEY:
Jevon, how about her then?

JEVON:
Learn from the master.

(Jevon attempts to woo the pretty receptionist lady and proceeds to talk in Spanish)

JEVON:
Hola hermosa. Estoy con algunos idiotas ¿por qué no podemos cumplir, tanto por nuestra cuenta más adelante para tomar una copa?

(Translated in to on-screen subtitles - hello beautiful. I'm with some idiots so why don't we both meet up on our own later for a drink?)

(The others appear
to look impressed with a grin on their faces)

RECEPTIONIST:
Usted la amabilidad puede cabrear!
(You can kindly piss off)

JEVON:
That's the way to charm 'em, Rodney.

MICKEY:
I didn't know you spoke Spanish?

JEVON:
Always prepare my son, always prepare. You'll never know when you need it most.

RODNEY:
Will you two behave? They'll chuck us out on the streets.

RECEPTIONIST:
Thank you, sir. We have your room key here. It's number 142. It is a 2 bedroom room.

JEVON:

What? I mean 'Perdon'
(Pardon in Spanish)

MICKEY:
That's wonderful. I get to spend the next 3 nights enjoying my freedom with you lot.

RODNEY:
It said it was a room for 4 people.

RECEPTIONIST:
It is a room for 8 people. The 2 beds are double bedded bunk beds.

RODNEY:
8 people? Ace! All that space. That's not so bad.

RECEPTIONIST:
But..

MICKEY SENIOR:
Here comes the punch line..

RECEPTIONIST:
There's currently 4 other people sleeping in the other beds in your room.

(The others sigh and despair)

RODNEY:
Isn't there any other room we can have?

RECEPTIONIST:
We have one other room for 3 people with 2 beds.

RODNEY:
Oh! We'll take that one if it's alright.

RECEPTIONIST:
No, I'm afraid this room has just been booked by somebody else. I am sorry sir.

RODNEY:
Oh, OK. Thank you. Come on then you lot, let's get the party going.

(They lads walk up a flight of stairs except for Jevon, who continues to talk in Spanish to this pretty receptionist, but we hear in the backround that the short-lived conversation isn't going very well, followed by a slap. The others laugh.)

SCENE 11 - IN AND AROUND LAS RAMBLAS. WE SEE THE BOYS WALK AROUND THE LAS RAMBLAS ENJOYING THEMSELVES. MUSIC WILL BE PLAYED WITH NO DIALOGUE. A COUPLE OF AMUSING MOMENTS WITH THE BOYS HAVING A LAUGH AND EYE-GOGGLING THE LOCAL WOMEN. ONE CLIP, WE SEE JEVON EYE UP A LADIES LONG LEGS, AND EVENTUALLY THIS LADY TURNS ROUND AND IT'S A LADY BOY. WE ALSO SEE THE BOYS EATING TAPAS, WITH MICKEY IN PARTICULAR LOOKING HORRIFIED AT THE FOOD ON HIS PLATE.

CUT TO NIGHT TIME. THE BOYS ARE SAT IN A LOCAL BAR ENJOYING A FEW DRINKS, WHEN A GROUP OF LOCALS APPROACH THE LADS AND COME ACROSS AS QUITE FIERCE.

RODNEY:
OK, don't look now but there seems to be a group of very tough looking Spaniards who seem to want our blood.

JEVON:
Where?

RODNEY:
Over there!

MICKEY:
Why would they want our blood, Rodney? You're not frightened are ya?

(Mickey grinning with the others)

RODNEY:
I am not frightened. But they're probably a bit mad at you due to the fact that on our way in here, whilst feeling confident, you shoulder-barging your way past 'Big Foot' and told him to 'mind out the way' where you spilled half your drink down his front jacket!

MICKEY:
It weren't my fault, Rodney! I've had a few to drink aint I? I'm on me stag do!

RODNEY:
Well, I suggest we drink up and get out of here.

JEVON:
Drink up? We've only just got here.

(Jevon walks off towards the gents)

MICKEY:
Yeah, come on Rodney. You've got nothing to be scared of. Remember that I still have my Ikedo black belt and Jevon is practically Bruce Lee!

RODNEY:
Oh great. The one time that somebody is required to have some form of martial-art skill behind them, and it's you that I have to rely on to use it!

MICKEY:
What do you mean? I got my black-belt didn't I?

RODNEY:
The black-belt you nicked from the instructor's changing room locker. No wonder they chucked you out of the class.

MICKEY:
I suppose that now Jevon's wondered off, we're a man down.

RODNEY:
Man down? What's this? Army commando?

(Rodney notices the fierce looking Spaniards walking towards them)

RODNEY:
Oh shhh.. here they come. Let's get out of here.

(Rodney, Mickey and his dad quickly make a brisk exit out of the club and walk in to what they think is the exit to outdoors. They appear to enter creepy looking room with a few punters sat down at tables, smoking and drinking cocktails)

RODNEY:
Where the hell are we?

MICKEY:
I dunno, but I can hardly see a thing. Dad? Where are ya?

MICKEY SENIOUR:
What the bloody hell is going on here? I can just make out a load of tables and chairs with a load of blokes sat down. Bloody hell! Just whacked into summin' a bit hard.

RODNEY:
Don't worry, I wouldn't have thought it was Mickey.

(Rodney attempts to speak to the blokes sat down at tables around them)

RODNEY:
Um, excuse me, uhh porpa-voi? Uhh..Can you tell us where we are and where the exit is?

(The seedy looking men around them give Rodney and the others a disgruntled look)

MICKEY:
Eh! Maybe they think we're a band?

RODNEY:
A band? What are you on about?

MICKEY SENIOR:
He could be right, Rodney. Look, I can't really make much out but we appear to be on a slightly higher level up. It's as if we're on a stage or some sort? Plus, I just banged in to what I think is a microphone stand.

MICKEY:
Yeah! We've probably gate-crashed a back-stage gig or summin! It's the return of Bunch-o Whalleys!

RODNEY:
Shut up!

(Suddenly, some lights switch on and it appears the lads are actually on a stage, and some male strippers come out on stage to perform for the seedy looking men. Rodney, Mickey and his Dad look horrified and quickly run towards the fire exit)

RODNEY:
Bunch-of Whalleys? More like a bunch of Oileys!

SCENE 12 - BACK AT 'THE FLYING PIG' HOSTEL.

RODNEY:
Move up will ya?

MICKEY:
Me?

RODNEY:
Yes, you. Who else?

MICKEY SENIOR:
It's a bit cramped in here, aint it? We're all squashed in here like Ann Frank's hideaway, where next door, some sod has booked the room for himself.

MICKEY:
I bet Jevon is comfier than us. I dunno how he manages it. I could have pulled that bird behind the bar.

RODNEY:
Except she wasn't a bird.

MICKEY:
Yes she was. Alright, she was a bit rough around the edges but had summin' about her.

RODNEY:
You don't think that 'summin about her' was the facial hair and Hulk Hulgan-esque build?

(We hear a knock at the door)

MICKEY:
Who's that, Rodney?

RODNEY:
I don't know, do I! Go and look.

MICKEY:
Me? Why have I gotta go?

RODNEY:
Because you're the one with an Ikedo black-belt, remember?

MICKEY:
Yeah, but it weren't mine!

RODNEY:
Oh! Now you play down your heroic achievement. And where's Jevon when you need him?

MICKEY SENIOR:
He copped off with some sort from one of the bars we were at.

RODNEY:
Well, I hope for your sake (Points to Mickey) that it isn't the human wardrobe you spilt your drink over from earlier and told to lay off the paella!

(A knock sounds again - Rodney and Mickey looking scared)

MICKEY SENIOR:
Who is it?

(We hear a deep voiced sounding man who appears to be talking in multi-language speak)

PERSON AT DOOR:
Rio-de-janiro! Pusz-Koos la amigo. Bonsoir chatteugh?

MICKEY:
He sounds confused - go and answer it Rodney.

RODNEY:
Me?

MICKEY:
Go on! Nothing to be frightened of.

(Rodney walks towards the door. He quickly steps back and looks at Mickey and his Dad)

MICKEY SENIOR:
Oh, get out the way. I'll do it. Jeez, a lot of use you two would make as minders!

(Mickey Senior opens the door, which follows a huge sigh from Rodney and Mickey)

DEL:
What a bunch of 42 carrot plonkers!

RODNEY:
But? What? What the bloody hell are you doing here?

DEL:
Oh! That's charmin' ain't it? What a lovely warm welcome I receive from the little burke, look. Alright Mickey's one and two?

MICKEY SENIOR:
Alright, Del? How the hell did you know we were here and why are you here?

RODNEY:
Hold on a minute. I'll do the challenging on this one. Del, how the hell did you know we were here and why are you here?

MICKEY SENIOR:
I'm glad I let you intervene; you obviously have a far superior way of approaching these things than I do!
(Sarcastically spoken to towards Rodney)

DEL:
Look at you lot, look. Cramped in here like a bunch of illegal immigrants. Why didn't you just book a bigger room, eh? I got a lovely spacious room next door, aint I!

MICKEY:
Well, that solves the mystery to why we had to stay in this dump.

RODNEY:
What are you doing here, Del? I cannot believe you followed us all the way out here? Just so you could get involved and probably get us in to yet more trouble. This was supposed to be a relaxing get-away from all that nonsense.

DEL:
That's charmin', aint it, eh? After all I've done for you. You sayin' all them words to me, is like a knife being stuck in to me heart.

RODNEY:
I'm sorry, Del. It's just, well.. you turning up out the blue is a bit of a shock...hold on a minute, I smell summin' fishy here. What's going on?

DEL:
Look, it's merely a bit of business I've got going on, alright? Nothing for you to worry about.

RODNEY:
Del, if ever you're in the middle of any business and in a foreign country where you're within yards of my vicinity, I tend to wanna know about it!

DEL:
Alright, Rodney. Shh, calm down. Now listen. You know Sunglasses Ron? Well, he knows someone out here who has a bit of business he can send my way and I fought, well..you know, I'll be up for a bit of that. Honest, Rodney. That is the only reason why I came out here.

RODNEY:
It just seems to be a bit coincidental that some business happens to fall your way during the exact time and location we're on a stag do.

DEL:
Don't you get saucy with me, Rodney. Ok, ok. I admit. I fancied getting away for a bit. Mickey has a mutual contact out here who can sort him out some gear to sell on. I'll make a killin' Rodney. You know the money is needed back home. I can hardly heat the flat at the moment. There again, with Albert there, who needs British Gas?

RODNEY:
You knew about this? (Talking to Mickey)

MICKEY:
Yeah. I had to keep it from you, Rodney. You were stressed enough as it is.

RODNEY:
Oh! I suppose I can rest easy now, eh? And that is why you two had that private board meeting back at the Nags Head. Who is this contact you're meeting anyway?

DEL:
How did you know that?

RODNEY:
Cassandra told me.

DEL:
What's that blokes name out here, Mickey? Wonda? Wondo?

MICKEY:
Wondo, Del.

MICKEY SENIOR:
He's bound to have a few tricks up his sleeve, eh?

(Mickey Senior smirks)

MICKEY:
He's says the market is there for CB Radios and other electricals. Del has a consignment load to sell on too.

RODNEY:
Oh yeah? And how the hell did you manage to get them through security?

DEL:
Easy, bruv. I checked them in to me main luggage didn't I? Anyway, there's nothing illegal with bringing electrical equipment into a foreign country is there? I mean people these days bring their mobile phones and watches and all sorts.

RODNEY:
But Del, you are selling these on to the locals. I suppose you won't be declaring tax on them?

DEL:
Leave it out, Rodney. They don't need me to claim the tax. It's not as if they need the money, eh? Everyone's on their 'olidays out here, ain't they. Anyway. I'm going to bed. Look, we'll go out and enjoy ourselves tomorrow, eh? What you got planned?

RODNEY:
Well, after this evenings events, I think we'll keep our heads down.

DEL:
Where's Jevon? I thought you said he was in attendance?

(Towards Mickey)

MICKEY SENIOR:
Oh. He copped off with some bird.

DEL:
Not the stripper I booked you, was it?

MICKEY:
What stripper?

DEL:
I booked you a surprise stripper at the place you plonkers were at. I knew you lot would go there coz Sunglasses Ron's mate knows just about every bar manager in Las Rambla so I told him to have a word with a few of the owners to keep an eye out for a small group of British stand-outs on a stag! I did tell 'em to give you a private show, Mickey. On stage, like.

(The others realise that the previous encounter with the gay strippers was organised by Del.)

SCENE 13 - AT THE BEACH, BARCELONA.

(Del, Rodney, Mickey, Jevon and Mickey Senior sunbathing)

DEL:
This is the life, innit, Rodney? I managed to sell all them CB's. Including Wondo's consignment of watches, portable CD players too.

RODNEY:
Where and how exactly did you get access to all of this hookie gear?

DEL:
Use your Hovis, Rodney.

RODNEY:
Hovis?

DEL:
Yeah, Hovis. Your loaf! Anyway, I met him at this spic drinking club he knows. Actually quite a friendly bloke. He recommended me a few places we can goto. You chaps up for a spot of local culture?

MICKEY:
What do you have in mind, Del?

DEL:
I've got tickets to the bull fighting. Only ten potatius! Bargain!

MICKEY SENIOR:
You mean pesetas?

DEL:
That's what I said.

RODNEY:
Bull fighting? I do not believe you. You expect me, a vegetarian to watch some Spanish yobo's teasing and humiliating those creatures? No thank you.

DEL:
What are you on about, you dipstick? Just because you're vegetarian, doesn't mean they'll eat the bloody things. It's just a bit of light entertainment. They don't get any harm done to them.

RODNEY:
I am not going. Anyway, we fancied watching the football. There's a match on this afternoon.

DEL:
Alright, Rodney. Whatever you say. Who's playing?

MICKEY:
Barcelona.

DEL:
I know that! Bloody hell, I meant who against?

RODNEY:
Some Spanish team I think. Not sure.

DEL:
Well, thank you Des Lynham!

(We see a bloke walking by with a carrier bag, trying to sell food and drink goods)

LOCAL SALESMAN:
You want drink?

DEL:
What have you got, Won?

LOCAL SALESMAN:
I have beer, drink, crisp..

DEL:
You got any penocolada's?

RODNEY:
Derrick! No thank you, we're alright for drinks.

DEL:
Well thank you very much, bruv. What did you say that for? I'm well parched.

RODNEY:
They'll be another one along in a minute.

DEL:
'Another one along in a minute'? It's a drink I need not the 217 to Madrid! Here you are, look. There's some mush coming along now, look.

LOCAL SALESPERSON 2:
Ola. English? I have tickets for game. You want buy?

JEVON:
Not for me. I've got my eyes set on that lovely behind over there. Her bra has got my name written all over it.

MICKEY:
I'll have some of that!

RODNEY:
God! You two are like sperm on steroids.

DEL:
How much, Jon?

LOCAL SALESPERSON 2:
My name is Leondre, not Jon.

DEL:
Whatever, Leon. How much?

LOCAL SALESPERSON 2:
Only five pesetas each.

RODNEY:
What tickets are these for?

DEL:
What are you on about, Rodney? Use your noddle. He said for the game didn't he?

RODNEY:
He didn't say which game, Del.

DEL:
You have to question absolutely everything, Rodney. I dunno. You come on yer holidays to take in the local culture, and all you do is spoil the mood. Just trust me on this one, it'll be a right laugh!

SCENE 14. CUT TO A LOCAL FOOTBALL MATCH AT A VERY SMALL STADIUM, NEXT TO A CHICKEN FARM. CLEARLY, THE BOYS HAVE BEEN MIS-SOLD TICKETS TO A LOCAL FOOTBALL MATCH, RATHER THAN THE ANTICIPATED BARCELONA MATCH TICKETS THEY WERE AFTER.

DEL:
This is all we bloody need.

RODNEY:
You bought the tickets. As per usual, it's no questions asked with you, is it?

DEL:
That's because 'he who dares, wins' Rodney. You do not turn down tickets as cheap as these to watch a bit of footy! It takes me back to my youthful days when I was the school captain.

RODNEY:
You? School captain?

DEL:
Yes! Me. Cheeky little bark. Nah, they don't play the beautiful game like what we used to. Ain't that right Micky Senior?

MICKEY SENIOR:
You're right there, Del.

RODNEY:
I should hope you did play better than this lot. Look at them, look. They look like they're all playing with two left feet.

MICKEY:
A bit like how Chelsea play then, Rodney!

*Disapproved look from Rodney*

THE REFEREE SUDDENLY BLOWS HIS WHISTLE, AND JOGS TOWARDS DEL AND THE OTHERS.

REF:
Ustedes! ¿Podría intervenir y hacer bulto?

DEL:
What's that you say, Jon?

REF:
Ingles?

DEL:
We don't speak the local lingo, pal. What's he sayin', Rodney?

RODNEY:
We, I mean, I speak English. English?

REF:
Ah! I see. No problem. We need players. Can you play?

AT THIS POINT, DEL BOY LOOKS TO EACH OF THE OTHERS, PUFFS HIS CIGAR AND APPROACHES THE REF.

DEL:
Jon, if you want players, you can have players. Come on boys, let's get out there.

MICKEY SENIOR:
Not me, Del. I'll collapse.

DEL:
Rodders? Come on, look. It's just a bit of fun!

RODNEY:
Del, they'll break our legs! They look as if they work for the Spanish Armada.

DEL:
Spanish Armada? What are you going on about you dipstick? I don't see what the make of their clothes has got to do with anything.

RODNEY:
Armani, Del! Not Armada! Nevermind. All I am saying is that no way will you find me playing against any of that horrible looking lot. No way my son.

THE NEXT SCENE, WE SEE RODNEY IN GOAL, LOOKING TERRIFIED.

RODNEY:
(Rodney whispers across to Del)
Bastard!

DEL:
Come on, Rodney! Put some back muscle in would ya! Even Mickey Seniors breaking a sweat.

CUT TO MICKEY SENIOR LEAD ON THE SIDELINE, WITH A BLEEDING LIP. MEANWHILE, MICKEY IS SEEN RUNNING WITH THE BALL.

DEL:
Mickey! Over 'ere! Come on you soft sod! I'm open! Ohh! You stupid little burk. You lost it now!

MICKEY:
Oi, watch it! Us English can put in a tackle as well you know!

OPPONENT:
Ha ha ha! English woman!

MICKEY:
Sorry, Del! It weren't my fault!

DEL:
Oh really? Who's was it then? Peter Beardsley's?!

RODNEY SUDDENLY GETS BATTERED TO THE FLOOR BY ONE OF THE OPPONENTS, AND APPEARS UNCONCIOUS. DEL REACTS TO THE INCIDENT.

DEL:
Oi! Pedro! Just who do you think you are, eh? Vinnie Jones' twin? What sort of challenge is that, ref? Ere, Rodders, wake up you dipstick!

RODNEY:
I can't see, Del! I think I've broken me ribs.

DEL:
Come on, ref. Send him off. Oi, Fernando! You wanna try that again son, do ya?!

REF:
Please! Calm down! Bloody English fools!

DEL GETS IN TO A SCRAP WITH A COUPLE OF THE PLAYERS, WHILE WE SEE MICKEY PEARCE WALKING OFF THE PITCH.

SCENE 15 - INT - LOCAL POLICE STATION - SOMEWHERE IN BARCELONA. DEL IS LOCKED UP IN A CELL AND NOTICES A FAMILIUR FACE IN THE NEXT CELL BLOCK ALONG ONCE HE'S HAD A CHAT WITH THE PRISON WARDON.

DEL:
Oi, Won. Why couldn't you put me a in bigger cell. I can hardly breathe in 'ere.

WARDON:
The only other cell that was free before you arrived is used by that gentleman over there.

DEL:
What was he done for?

WARDON:
I can't say too much. But it involves how you say 'sexual harassment'.

DEL STEPS TOWARDS THE PRISON BARS AND SHOUTS OUT TOWARDS THE OTHER PERON OCCUPIYNIG THE BIGGER CELL.

DEL:
Jevon? Is that you?

JEVON:
Del Boy! What are you doing here?

DEL:
What am I doing here? Checking in for the night! What does it look like! I've been banged up, haven' I. All because of that dozy little twonk, Rodney. What mess have you got yourself into then son?

JEVON:
Nothing Del, honest. These Spanish women are a bit feisty, aren't they? All I did was ask a bird out on a date.

DEL:
What happened?

JEVON:
She was a police woman!

DEL:
Gordon Bennet! You better speak to young Rodders about dating police women. The last time he tried that, I was preparing for a house move!

JEVON:
Where to?

DEL:
Parkhurst!

DEL:
Aint it marvellous, eh? How could Rodney get me in to this mess?

JEVON:
What did he do?

DEL:
We was playing football with these other Spanish lads. Some so-called friendly game. And that dipstick goes and gets a clattering. I've seen less blood on Terry Butcher! He took a bit of a hammering.

THE WARDON AT THIS POINT WALKS OFF, AWAY FROM DEL AND JEVON

DEL:
Listen, Jevon. We've gotta get out of here. Our plane leaves tonight.

JEVON:
How are supposed to get out of here? We're locked up. What do you suggest we do? Escape.

DEL:
It's a good plan young Jevon. I'm not ready to retire out in the sun just yet. I want to get back to good old blighty. Where the weather is grim and the grub is well, how can I describe it? Have you ever had one of Mike's pork pies?

CUT TO RODNEY, MICKEY SENIOR AND MICKEY. THEY'RE AT THE RECEPTION.

RODNEY:
Thank you officer. It won't happen again. Can I see my brother now?

OFFICER:
Yes, step this way.

THE PRISON WARDON RELEASES DEL AND APPROACHES JEVON

WARDON:
Your friend here has saved your asses! He pays your fine and you are free to go. Both you and Hugh Grant. (Pointing towards Jevon)

DEL:
Eh? Who?

RODNEY:
Del Boy!

DEL:
There you are! You little burke. Do you know how long I've been in here for??

RODNEY:
Not as long as Jevon was.

DEL:
Let's just get out of here. Thank gawd I made a bit of bunce on those CB radios. Did you pick up my wallet?

RODNEY:
Um, yeah. Here you are, Del.

DEL:
Oi! I had over 300 sobs in here. What have you done with it?

RODNEY:
Where do you think I got the money to bail you from? Rockefella?

DEL LOOKS DEVISTATED THAT HE'S LOST ALL HIS MONEY.

SCENE 16 - CUT TO THE AIRPORT, BARCELONA. THE BOYS ARE SEEN WALKING TOWARDS THEIR TERMINAL, AND SEEM EXHAUSTED. THE SCENE ENDS HERE, WITH THE SOME MUSIC PLAYING IN THE BACKROUND, LEADING TO THE END CREDITS.

DEL:
Well, that's the last time I go on an 'oliday with you, Rodders.

RODNEY:
The last time you go on a holiday with me? You cheeky bastard!

DEL:
Oi, oi! You'll get us locked up again with your aggressive language!

RODNEY:
If you remember, Derrick, it was you who decided to come with us. I wanted a peaceful holiday!

DEL:
But you did have a peaceful holiday! You went to Barcelona!

RODNEY
:
Yeah! What a peaceful holiday that was! Spending time in a hospital bed sleeping off the concussion and playing jail break with you and Jevon!

DEL:
Now, it is not my fault that you have all the strength of a stick insect. I've told you before, neck a couple of burger bund and Chinese takeaways, you'll be the next Paul Gascoigne!

THE BOYS WALK PAST THE 'ANYTHING TO DECLAIR' SECTION'. WE SEE A BOX FULL OF CB RADIOS THAT DEL HAD SOLD PREVIOUSLY.

End.

I've only read the first scene, and it's great - beautifully paced and funny. Do you often write entire scripts of other people's sitcoms?

Thanks buddy. kind words.

I've only ever written a few Only fools episodes. And I only go as far as brainstorming ideas for my own material, but that's it.

But no, just Only fools.